Bruised, not broken.

Have you been overlooked before? I mean not literally having a person to stand in front of you and not see you. But to have someone forget your feelings, forget your very existence for that few moments in time. You don't know what went wrong. You kind of wish you can turn back the time to be there, waving with signal lights in hand to remind that person, "Hi, I'm right here. Please don't forget about me because it'll hurt for the rest of... I don't know, eternity?" You think about how someone can possibly say that you matter most because you're not supposed to hurt those who matters most to you.

That said, if someone chose someone else over you before, how do you rest assured that they wouldn't do it again? How would you know if the attraction of some shiny new thing, or long forgotten could-have-beens, or the possibility of feeling important or good about themselves, wouldn't falter that person again? How can you prevent yourself from being hurt? How would you know that given the circumstance, if it has happened before, what's stopping it from happening a second time? Because it's me, this is me and if I wasn't enough then, why would I be enough now? How do you find faith? How do you find the trust that you've painstakingly given away only to have it discarded like yesterday's trash? How do you forget and start anew, much less move on.

At the end of it all, do we ever move on? Do we ever forget the pain that only someone you truly care about and love with all you have can inflict on you? Can you love them the same way as you did before, a trust and love like a newborn baby that freefalls into anything, knowing that someone would be there to catch her at the end, no matter what. Yet at the same time, so naive, so weak, so vulnerable, so pathetic. Do we ever forget?

My memory of an elephant, it's tearing me up apart inside.

So lace your hands round the small of my back, and I will kiss you like a king.

With you, all that I am is complete.

If I haven't yet, I have got to let you know.

Time passes by so quickly when you aren't paying attention. I think that one of the worst feelings ever is watching the second hand on the clock tick by slowly, while you impatiently tap your feet and drum your fingers, waiting for the day to end. Waiting for the weekends to come. Waiting to get home to your solitude and refuge. It’s also the worst feeling that hits you like a wave, unexpected and all the more painful, when you realize how much time you let slip while letting your world and life pass you by. It’s the feeling you get when your head makes sense of what has become and your heart starts welling up with this sickening sour taste of… Guilt I suppose. Guilt stemming from not having cherished what you had before. Guilt coming from dreaming too big, that you get so far away and you forget the people left behind. Guilt coming from being too caught up with all these little insignificance, to pay attention to the things you once held dear to your heart. Just in case someone is reading, and just in case you’re wondering, yes I do hold you close to my heart whoever you are. Most of all, I guess, it’s the guilt you feel from knowing that you could have spent your time better. Somewhere better. Somehow better. Some way better. Most importantly, with someone better.

Guilt is also what I feel when I decided to come here today. Truth be told, I have been avoiding typing in my url or anything similar to it so that I wouldn’t be led in my temptation. I’m the sort of girl who can spend hours reading things that dates way back into the past, just because. It’s precisely because of that, that caused me to stop wanting to be a part of this; I hate what this space has been reduced to. I used to have secret journals, I used to have diaries I spill my thoughts out into, I used to be so happy with myself because I like to believe my power lies in my language. But now, I hardly do any of that anymore. That’s what time does to you huh? It changes you.

It’s strange because before all this, I was so blind. And right now, I just find it painfully obvious that my brain is still going “How can you miss something right that?” It’s like I suddenly woke up and here I am, four years from the moment I started having fun and losing track of the person I was, and the person I could be. It seems so far away but if I think about it now, I can still feel that insistent ache I felt so long ago from losing my dream and the thing I wanted. Goes to show how time can change so much, and yet so little at the same time.

This set me thinking, about what this is right now. Where I stand, where I am, who I am, and who are those that are around me. It makes me realize that those who really care, and the people who really matter, never fades away. Not the distance between us, or the time we’ve spent apart. Not the lack of words and conversation, or the fact that sometimes I question my own existence… None of that can break something that two people truly cherish. Those who are worthy will always stay. Behind the scenes, they motivate you, they support you, they listen to you, they give you unconditional love. Every single second of every single day, I am inspired to do better. To be the best that I can be for these people who never fail to keep their faith in me. And just like that, I am thankful for every moment they’ve ever been in my life because honestly, I look at the person I am now and I see myself as someone pieced together by so many other someones.
People come and go in our lives, and like it or not, they affect us in ways we cannot imagine. Each person who has been here has spent time with me, been a part of my struggles and journey, such that when I come out shaped and changed from each one, I think of them. I think of the role they’ve played, regardless of whether it’s good or bad, to get me here, to make me who I am. I guess there’s not a single person who is truly themselves. We’re all a little damaged, a little jaded, and a little altered to fit into the lives of one another. To make it count. To make what’s bad good, and to make what’s good even better. I hope I did that for someone, because I am appreciative of the goodwill that has come my way so far.

I am no longer impatient and uncaring about what others feel of me. I am no longer straightforward and insensitive with my thoughts and words that border too much on cynicism. I now hold the grace and magnitude to forgive and let live, to move on to better points in my life. Sometimes, it still hurts a little because we never really forget the hurt and disappointment that existed before, and that’s something that I have the ability to feel so greatly now, that I actually hate it. A little. I am no longer uncouth and vulgar in my thoughts and action. I am no longer immature as I was years before, when I believed that what I want in my life is what matter most, friendship and acquaintances are secondary. I have learnt that when the journey ahead is never-ending and tough, it’s the people I love who are going to be my tidal waves to push me further. To push me further and farther to a world beyond my imagination. I dream big now, because I want to be fearless; I hated myself for being that awkward girl who believed that mediocre was satisfactory, and big dreams are unrealistic dreams. I don’t want to be someone who hides in my own shadows, who judge my own capabilities and doubt my own strength. I don’t want to push things away because I think that someone else deserves it, or to reject compliments and shy away from others. I don’t want to hide the person I am, the person I want to be, from others. I want to say and show that this is it, this is me, this will always be me even if you’re my bestest friend or if you’re a stranger. I am so happy with the way I feel now. I want to pick flowers and take photos all the freaking time even though that seems a little mad. I am good, I want to be good and I want to get better. I want to learn and to live, to love and to breathe, and to make this moment and every after, the best it can possibly be. And that best is being happy.

      

Thankful for each and every single moment that you all have ever been a part of my life.

Have you ever been at this point of your life where you're faced with a decision? There's a choice I have to make for my future, for the things I want, and for the dreams I chase.
But right now, I see how hard it is for that person I love to live with it. I see how he struggles to smile and say comforting words, but at the same time, he believes that this decision would make me suffer.

Moments like this makes you wonder, whether you made the right choice after all.

A lot like love.

A long time ago, we met up for the first time for dessert at East Coast. We sat in awkward silence because we didn't know what to say. I remember feeling nervous and thinking if I looked nice throughout the whole day during my internship.
A long time ago, we sat on a bench while I worried about what to say for fear that what I have to share would bore you.
A long time ago, your first words to me were "I just finished playing soccer, damn smelly. Warning."
A long time ago, I accompanied you to get your ears pierced.
A long time ago, you lost your first earring because it got entangled in my hair while you were play-wrestling me and it came off.
A long time ago, you accompanied me on an hour's train journey to send me off for dinner. When you realized I was alone, you rushed back to find me. I remember thinking that this could be something I can get used to.
A long time ago, we went out on dates sneakily after school because we were trying to avoid people and the things they might say.
A long time ago, we would brush off people's questions with a smile or a cheeky reply.
A long time ago, you secretly laid out some paper on the floor that, when put together, says "Will you be my girlfriend?". You were standing with the last piece of paper in your suit with a bouquet of flowers in hand.
A long time ago, we would take frequent walks on the bridge or at our secret place. Now, we don't do that anymore because time is always running out.
A long time ago, we can sit and talk for hours about what was on our minds. Now, we struggle to find the things that are important so that we can get them out before we forget.
A long time ago, we spend our days watching multiple movies. We caught everything that the cinema ever showed, even if we ended up with terrible choices (Contagion hahahaha). Now, we turned from movie fanatics to watching them only if there were good ones.
A long time ago, you took every chance you can possibly have to meet me. You rushed to find me and watch my hockey trainings after your flight. Now, I wait eagerly for the weekends to come.
A long time ago, you knew how much hockey mattered to me so you make it a point to always be there. You were my fanclub on the spectator stands, through rain or shine.
A long time ago, you realized how stubborn I can be when it comes to the things I am passionate about.
A long time ago, our lives revolve around each other. You moved with me, everywhere I went.
A long time ago, you discovered my love and pickiness when it comes to food. I moved and we ate. Roti Prata at Tampines, Beancurd at Kallang Airport, and now Simpang or wherever is near to us.
A long time ago, we don't talk on the phone. Now, it is the thing that we work towards at the end of the day.
A long time ago, we were available to each other 24/7 every single day. Now, we had lesser than 48 uninterrupted hours. Sometimes even lesser than that.
A long time ago, you hardly knew me. But you made the effort to, and now I have nothing left to hide.
A long time ago, I was afraid that I cannot impress you. Now, I hope that all I am is enough for you.
A long time ago, I was skeptical and a little bit scared. Now, I am only scared when you're not around.
A long time ago, I was impatient and demanding. Now, I've learnt that when I give, I cannot ask for anything in return because I know it might not be right now in this present moment. But one day, all that I have given would be worth it.
A long time ago, I was not sure. Now, nothing has been clearer.
A year ago, and now, so much has changed. We have fought and cried and grown and matured. Sometimes I feel so alive like a little bird that yearns to fly away and to fly far. But I always know that no matter where I go, and no matter where I wish I could be, I would go back home to you.

A year ago, things were really different. We were really different.

A year ago, the love and feelings I had for you, has not changed. In fact, they can only grow stronger.

A year ago, you made a permanent reservation in my heart. Now, you have a home in it.

A year ago, this was about a girl who didn't have anything to be scared of, someone who isn't a damsel waiting to be saved from distress. Now, I'm completely changed.

A year ago, this was about a shy boy who didn't talk much and was completely clueless about what to do. Now, that stranger is you.

A year ago, I love you just as much. And years from now, it would always remain this way.
You have been all kinds of wonderful. A gift specially for me, and I'm thankful for that. Thankful for you.

I love you, and happy anniversary Kenny See.

Under the sea

I've been a mermaid and life is good that way.

How is yours?

A promise of better days

It seems like I failed at keeping my promise to keep this place as alive as it used to be :( Work robs me of my everyday activities, and when I actually am free, I go out and spend time with my favorite people instead.

Which reminds me…

I hope the remaining 348 days stays this way, because this year started out wonderfully. In fact, beautifully. I cannot express how happy I was to spend time with these important people. I have to admit, I’m someone who likes to remain cut off and unattached. Sometimes, I choose to put my guards up and keep my feelings and thoughts to myself because I believe it’s better that way. I’m also someone who tends to get too caught up with her work. I like things that don’t require any high maintenance or commitment, which pretty much explains why I like being alone sometimes. I wouldn’t have to adhere to anyone’s requests, meet anyone’s expectations, or make sacrifices for anyone. I like drawing because I draw when I want to. I don’t know to plan some extravagant date, or find a time that fits everyone’s schedule.

Yes it may seem selfish but I just think that if everyone else’s lives went on perfectly fine without me, then it would mean that I don’t hold much significance. And eventually, I just feel like I don’t have any right to be part of their lives or to demand anything of them. Most of the time, I wait till someone starts missing me before we would ever make plans to meet. I’m quite a sorry excuse of a friend, but lucky for me, most of my friends seem to be carved from the same block as I am. I find it extremely superficial to go out with my friends just to show that I have a social life, or to have more new photos to post on facebook or some social website. I would rather stick by these people who truly cares for me (I can tell), and no matter what we have between us; space/ distance/ time. We can easily overcome it the moment we meet. No awkward silences, no stranger conversations, no fidgeting, just people who have been separated falling back together again.

That said, I’m endlessly thankful for these friends who never fail to show me a truly good time. And of course, to start my new year in such a brilliant and happy way. I love each of you so much.

Not to forget, there’s also this wonderful boy who never fails to show me that he loves me. (He met my family for the second time and we went on an overseas road trip together! ^^) We’ve been seeing each other for more than a year, almost two years in fact. I am well aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect, and quarrels do arise every now and then. It’s especially hard for the both of us because we haven’t even got over the “honeymoon” phase before he has to enlist. Our time spent together is limited to the weekends, and more if we’re lucky. But we make it work don’t we? I hope we always do because you’ve truly been a dream come true and I’m really lucky to be loved by you.

Congratulations my soldier. I’m so proud of you for staying strong against the daily regimental life in NS, and also juggling our relationship at the same time. Nothing makes me more proud than to hold on to your arm while you’re all dressed up in uniform during your social night. I know you’re capable of so many many things, and I hope that wherever you go, my faith in you would remind you that you would always be loved. Stay strong Kenny, I love you so much. Most of all, I wish you didn’t have to leave. But all this would be worth it, I promise xx.