The only way I know how to feel

There’s always a point of time where you question whether it is worth it after you have given up on many things. Problem is, why doesn’t these moments strike before you fall deeper, at least the regrets wouldn’t be that great. Problem is, why do things fall apart and crack to show the ugly truth. Problem is, why does everything have to stop being perfect. Sometimes I wish I can be permanently stuck in a self-delusional world of my own than to let my feelings and thoughts fall victim to others. Is it selfish to lie to myself and keep my thoughts for my own so that they wouldn’t be vulnerable, so that they wouldn’t turn out to be my weakness? I hope one day I wouldn’t have to look back at this moment in time and loathe the decisions I make, that I wouldn’t find that this would turn out to be yet another great mistake. Or maybe it’s time I put my own desires first, stop planning my life after others because one thing for sure is that ten years later, I’d still be here. And ten years later, maybe they wouldn’t be or they wouldn’t turn out to be who I thought they were.
Sometimes, the only things we have to offer are words. You don’t need fancy poetry, or a wide vocabulary akin to a thesaurus, and people would already fall for what you say. The bottom-line is trust because if I trusted you and you told me to jump the cliff because I can fly, I would just because I believed. That’s the kind of power people can hold with their words, and I really wish they comprehend their ability to make or break a person with them. With words, you give people the strength and faith to wage wars against their personal demons. You give them the drive to change into a completely different person because they thought you cared. Does anyone realize how they are capable of making people make serious life-changing decisions just because of a simple sentence with impacts that they aren’t even aware of? You can build imaginary could-have-beens and happy endings that silly people eventually fall and fight so hard for. If people even knew, they’d be careful with the things they say and the words they pick. What good are pretty words and empty promises if you don’t act upon them? I know better. Actions will always speak louder than words in the end. I don't know about you, but somehow I always go back to thinking that the only person left to fall back on, isn't the person you wish it to be. And sometimes, it turns out that there's no one to fall back on at all.

Before you let me fall, kill me so I don't feel it at all
Push my body up against the wall and pick your poison
’Cause everything feels wrong and I don't know where I belong

Take me for granted, make me feel used and leave me in pieces
Misery is company because I know that it's real
I've learned to love the pain, that's the only way that I know how to feel

Maybe it's a phase, maybe I will break out of it someday
Maybe this is just my twisted fate
I always feel like everything is wrong, and I don't know where I belong

To feel your arms around my neck, I’m suffocating with regret
From all the wasted hours spent, believing I was never meant to touch the face of something real
These so called scars will never heal, and I put down a deal
Because that's only way that I know how to feel

Take me for granted, make me feel used
Leave me in pieces, broken and bruised
I promise that you will never keep on falling to pieces
Misery is company because I know that it's real
I've learned to love the pain, because that’s the only way that I know how to feel
You're the only way that I know how to feel

Your pen's waiting for you

I detest days when exhaustion kicks in but my head and thoughts continue racing like a high-speed car race on the highways. I do not know how people look at me. They do that and see the good within and continue loving me for who I am. The good that I have been struggle to find. I know making comparisons can only make me spiral deeper into this never-ending hole of insecurities and paranoia. If I could, I would, it seems so easy to spot the best in others but I am never capable of doing the same for myself. I am always so easily contented with the simplest of things; a silly doodle or joke on pages of textbooks, old notes passed around during class that are kept as memorabilia, photographs. But it is never the case when it comes to being contented with who I am. That's just me, constantly on the search of something better within myself, constantly trying to make myself better for others. Sometimes I think of myself as a puzzle on the back of some Sunday newspaper, spot the difference and pinpoint the flaws. I wish it can be easier to let myself down, like how people can disappoint others but just shake hands, walk away like nothing ever happened. I wish I knew what it is like when people look at me, because when I do, all I see is things better left unloved. I see my flaws, the things I hate about my physique, the shoes I am never good enough to fill, the things I cannot do that others can, the disappointment I have left in others, the things I left unfinished, the words I could not make good, and the hurt I wish I can take away and protect them from. I would give anything to have someone else's eyes just for a day, or an hour to say the least. Wouldn't it be perfect, to be down in the dumps, but being able to get the assurance you need. Being able to know that you may have failed, and you may not be good at that one thing, but you definitely are worth it. I cannot be brave, my eyes are those of critique and insecurity. Sometimes I think that it is so much better to be blind, than to only be able to see the ugly. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to start loving myself. No one would ever want eyes like mine.

In my heart, I know that you’ll always stay.

Maybe we can sleep in, I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now, we could pretend it all the time
We could close the curtains, pretend like there's no world outside

We’ve got everything we need right here, and everything we need is enough.
It is just so easy, when the whole world fits inside of your arms.

Used to

Hello there! So much has happened during the past two or three weeks. In fact, I would say that the time that I spent while I disappeared from here is probably the most significant of my entire year so far. Time passes so quickly, it feels like just yesterday that school started but in fact an entire month and more has already gone by. One more week of school, followed by study break and exams and that’s it, my polytechnic life would be over. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I haven’t had time to post decent updates here because of schoolwork and deadlines that we’re expected to meet. But now that it’s over, I don’t really have the drive to continue blogging anyway because there’s so much I missed out and I would really really love to talk about all that, but I honestly don’t know where to start. But if people would be happy seeing bits and pieces of my life posted here all jumbled up, here goes…

I had my first clubbing experience ever! One of our tutors actually planned an event for us at MBS, we were all pretty psyched. The view up there was magnificent, I was contented just spending hours there trying to pick our familiar buildings and hopefully allow my eyes to forever immortalize the beautiful sight.

 

 

There was a lot of miscommunication though and some of us didn’t want to wait around with nothing to do, so we ended up going to Rebel/Zirca instead.

One heck of an interesting night, even though I disappeared and sat alone at a corner for more than half the time.

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There was this one day at school when I broke down and started crying. Hahahaha okay I want to laugh at myself when I think back but yea I was really stressed out about some things and my three weeks worth of work on a project screwed up, so I had to start from scratch all over again. That was the final straw, so I started crying in the midst of labwork so silly silly silly. Afterwards I was still feeling like crap and I felt like not a single person understands how it’s like to be me. It felt really bad and I was so filled with rage and disappointment, felt so badly like taking it out on a punching bag. I was feeling so miserable, I thought I might kill someone. Well anyway, because I can’t do things like that, I had some time all alone to myself. It was a pretty stupid idea in the beginning because I don’t really like being alone so it made me feel worse, but a certain repeated playlist on my ipod and some beautiful sights made me so much better. 

 

I swear, it felt like the angry monster inside of me just hit the snooze button and went to sleep. Hopefully forever though. Well anyway, I managed to draw something decent so I was rather contented.

I was also lucky enough to catch some fireworks, and it was by chance, lucky me! I’ll always have this insane obsession for fireworks, don’t care where or when. If I could, I want to catch every single firework display in Singapore possible but then things don’t always work out the way I want it.

Anyway, on the 7th, I had one of the nicest surprises ever in a very long time. L CAME BACK FROM NETHERLANDS. That sneaky girl actually ganged up with J to surprise me in school. She told me she would only be back on the 11th, so imagine the shock I had when J told me she needed a heart-to-heart talk badly, then when we went somewhere private, BAM there Lennie was! ♥♥♥♥ We caught up and talked nonstop for two hours about so many things. I miss them so much, can’t wait for the next sleepover!

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Another really awesome thing that happened was the love in class recently. No, I’m not talking about big big lurve-ing, but the time that I’ve been spending with my classmates recently. I’m not really a huge fan of being in class because it makes me so painfully aware of human beings and their continuous thirst and need for recognition, even at the sake of their peers’ feelings. That royally sucks because I honestly can swear that I’d rather have mediocre average results than to treat people like shit when they don’t deserve it. I rather have fun being grouped together with some effing awesome people who gets the job done and knows how to have fun, than to be with “geniuses” who guarantee me a skyhigh grade but leave me miserable and complaining incessantly. Which is pretty much why I’ve always stuck around with this certain group of people I’ve came to love in these three years. Well anyway, recently I’ve come to discover that our small group of people has actually merged and combined until we’re a much bigger group now, even though we don’t have silly little gatherings and dinners like most people do, but yes I’m still happy.

On the 9th, I had one of the best meals ever with some of the best people ever. Rebby, Iffah, Persis, Yk, Philo, Weihao, Ivan and I skipped our lectures for sushi buffet at downtown east! ♥ We were disappointed because Hei Sushi only starts their buffet at 3pm and it was only 11+ and our stomachs were all prepped up for some sashimi lurving. Thankful that there was Sakura nearby though, so our cravings were still sated. I laughed so much that day, I thought I might die from choking on sushi. The amount I ate definitely wasn’t worth the price of the buffet but the company sure was. We now have a pregnant fish boy, salmon boy, anything-also-can boy and a prawnstar/silent killer in our midst. I’m so happy that the last few days of poly is ending this way, with this amazing group of people ♥

   

Not to forget, the best thing right now is ALL OUR DEADLINES ARE FINALLY OVER. Bidding my final farewells to presentations, formal wear, and projects yippee ya yay :D

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I also took part in the interclass Captain Ball competition on Friday with my classmates and it rocked. Never mind that we didn’t emerge victors, but that’s a buttload of fun I’ll never ever be able to have without them. We got wayyyyyy too excited whatsapping each other in the late night before the match (We called ourselves the exterminators hahahahahahaha), and we even had a basketball game with fellow year3s before the games began. It felt so good to exercise and be under the hot sun sweating it out. Soccer, basketball, captain’s ball all in a day, what else can I ask for? :)

Came back home to realize how ridiculous I look with my sunburns. I was beetroot red and so exhausted, even more exhausted than going to school from 8am till 4pm with only three hours of sleep. So yes this is pretty much everything interesting that has happened recently! :)


I was just browsing through some old photos today and I realized how different I look right now as compared to two years ago. Good changes though, I hope :)
I think it would be really awesome if people were able to read other people’s intentions, wants and needs. There will be no need for waiting around, no need for secrets, no need for guessing games. Some people think it’s only as simple as speaking up, fighting for the things you want and asking for them. If you really put it that way, it’ll be really easy especially if you’re so at ease around someone that secrets and boundaries don’t exist, and these requests are as light as passing remarks. You needn’t be shy, or have second thoughts, or rehearse and stay awake at night thinking about the words you are going to say. Then you actually tell yourself that this is it, I’m going to say what I’ve been wanting to for so long. But when you actually do see that face, it’s like the words previously imprinted on your mind, words you’ve practiced so hard you can recite them while you’re half-asleep, they all fade away. All because you think that it’s okay, why bother about my thoughts when what I have now is perfect. But what would I know about that? Maybe what I’m doing, what I am, isn’t what people is asking for anyway.

Until the morning sun, you’re mine. All mine.

Crisp white pieces of paper that remain lying on the floor, each piece containing a single word. Seven words that made the perfect sentence I’ve been waiting to hear for quite some time. You know how to feels like when you know very well what is about to happen next? It is like, at the bottom of your heart, all you want to is to jump straight to the end of the line because whatever awaits you there is too good to be true. But you still savour the moment and drink in the sight, take each step slowly and gingerly anyway because despite all that, you need seconds or maybe minutes to register everything that is taking place. It seems like eternity when it could have just been less than a minute, but when everything sets in, I cannot help but smile and then at the seventh piece, I know that it was worth it. You, with a bouquet of pretty white flowers in hand, dressed up in a complete suit that you haven’t had a chance to wear elsewhere. At that moment, all I was thinking was how underdressed and unprepared I was, how my hair and pretty much everything else about me is a mess. The next, I was filled with so much happiness, I feel like I might burst out of my skin.

There has never been anyone who put in this much effort, and in a way, I'm glad there's been no one but you. I'm no poet, nor artist, nor would I claim to know love for what it is. What would I know about it? I have never been one to deal well with emotions and feelings, and I tend to screw up most of the time. But for what it is worth, I promise to keep on to this end of the deal and give you as much as you have given me. I hope this would last, like how good things are supposed to.

You say you have flaws, but it's those little things that makes you perfect. 
I hope you know that's enough for me.

A lack of color

I’ve been so busy recently with all the project submissions, deadlines and presentations. I’ve taken to neglecting this space ever since the start of internship last year. In fact, just the other day, I scrolled down and noticed that through the past month I’ve only posted ten times, most of which doesn’t even really makes sense. I haven’t been penning down my feelings as often as I wish to but I guess that’s only because I’m keeping a diary. Well, sort of because it’s only my schedule book and I just randomly jot down/draw what I feel inside. I really want to continue doing that because every scrawl and illegible scribble really speaks how you feel, the pressure on the paper, the bumps and ridges you feel when you flip through them. Then again, it’s not really that practical because I’m already running out of paper and it’s just the start of February :(

Schoolwork is killing me because I’m not really used to the new project groupings but I guess change is always good isn’t it? Three modules worth of projects are down, two more to go and then it’s time for exams and shortly after, graduation. Scares me how time is moving so quickly. I love that we’ve been taking photos more than ever recently, just looking through them makes me smile from ear to ear, I don’t know how to deal without having my classmates around for my usual dose of nonsense. On the bright side, I got through an entire communicatons module without pissing the tutor off! Me and comms tutors normally don’t click, I have no idea why but I always get Bs for such modules and it sucks because I think it’s so easy to score.

Other than that, life’s been good to me. I’ve been burying myself under books, powerpoints and tons of PDFs that I haven’t really had time to take a breather. I feel like I need an entire week away to get my stress levels back to normal but that’s impossible. I guess it’s the stress that’s making my emotions really volatile like happy sad happy sad happy sad. But right now, I’m really happy and I wish I can share but yea… Not really. I guess I’ll have to wait then.

Anyway, I’ll try to write again tonight but first I have to get my project done and help my brother with his assignment. A very good day to you! <3 Keep clicking on my ads because I’m a couple more dollars to chequeing out! :D

I'll pick up these broken pieces until I'm bleeding, if that'll make it right.

I have always envisioned myself as someone who is going to grow up to be strong, indestructible and pretty much a real superwoman. I picture myself as someone I would look up to if I ever travel into the future and see a grown-up me. I was fine visualizing myself too ice-cold to be with. Too strong and lacking vulnerability that no one would ever want to protect me. I was okay with being alone because sometimes I really wonder what company is ever good for. Broken hearts, painful memories, grudges, loss of trust, disappointment, being misled, these are the things you came away with. Nothing good can ever come of it. Love, what can it be possibly good for? And kids, who needs them anyway? Chances of them growing up to be full-blown brats who shows no respect or empathy for others are increasingly high, especially after watching how children behave these days. They’ll disappoint you, break your heart, and make you wonder if you’re a failure all the time. It’s like a long term relationship you can never ever walk away from. One that tests your patience and causes never-ending heartaches. They say love makes the world go round, but the lack of it, it wouldn’t kill you either right? That is why my accomplishments and grades were really all that mattered to me because it proved my worth, they really are things I cannot do without. Honestly, love can’t fill your tummy, keep you warm and safe with a roof over your head, leave you contented when you go to sleep. What good is it for?

But then, someone comes along and he makes you wonder if it is worth it. The feeling of happiness bubbling through your body, of butterflies fluttering in your stomach, or the smiles on your face that appears without you noticing, the thoughts you share or the plans you make. I so badly want to take those words back because suddenly I realize that despite how sure I am that I would be better off alone, the situation proves otherwise. Maybe it was because I didn’t dare believe that it was possible, didn’t dare to open doors to old heartaches and repeated history. Just because something didn’t work out the way you wanted to before, doesn’t mean that it would not be perfect this time. Or the next, or the next to come.

Before you know it, it’s like you’re waking up to different days where everything was easier. Mistakes easier to overlook, nothing is able to get you down. Suddenly, I feel like I can do fine giving up the greater things in life just to keep this around. Just to make sure that my days like these last for however long it can, because I know this happiness does not come easy. Some people settle for less, some people end up regretting decisions they make. Maybe my story is that I have been closing doors to something that has been there all along. It was a slap in my face because I used to stand so firmly in my beliefs that there’s no such thing as not being able to live without another, that even if we lost someone we carry on the same as before. Despite that, I am happy because subconsciously, all I wanted was to be proven wrong. And I was.

Happy days never really last, or maybe they do, but there are bound to be short, cloudy and depressing breaks in between. It breaks my heart knowing that there is bound to be disappointment in every story I thought was perfect. What’s ironic is that, the more you love, the more the expectation, the more you’ll be disappointed. I try to keep it to a down-low, to bottle things up so I wouldn’t feel that way. But there are times when I would question myself again if this is really worth it. If all these quick thrills of euphoria would be able to tide me through the tough times I will have ahead. Or how would I able to survive if I end up losing everything, being alone and falling back to square one again. Or why is it that I’m leaving myself high and dry, that the best is all I’m giving, and yet it is never enough for anybody. Or if this effort would eventually come back wasted, unappreciated and unreturned.
I guess I can deal with it, that maybe past heartaches have toughened me up for many to come. That I would get used to having my heart broken because of my silly naivety, but still pick myself up in the end. Maybe years down the road, I’ll come back only to realize this is simply another chapter in a book and my happy ending is far from coming. But you know what I can’t handle? The disappointment that comes along when I realize that I should not be having these thoughts, should not be doubting what this is worth. The sadness that clouds your thoughts when you realize how quickly things can fall apart. When you really love someone, you wouldn’t be so quick to judge. You wouldn’t feel vulnerable at the littlest of stumbles, wouldn’t keep your guards up so quickly because you know and you have faith that you won’t be hurt at all.

But if that is true, then why do I feel this way? That said, am I really worth loving?
:*(

I find peace when I’m confused

 

Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it was like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.

The only one that knows me, love it when you hold me

A road trip to Genting that lasted over seven hours. Short day at an amusement park that got cut even shorter because of an abrupt thunderstorm. First time queuing for a ride for over two hours, first time riding on Go-Karts. Overcoming my fear of scary rides alone. Shivering in the cold all alone just to get some wifi. CottonCandy ice-cream at Baskin Robbins which I fell in love with. My first time at a casino. Visits to temples. Traffic jams because of a major car accident involving twelve cars, and realizing the vulnerability of life and how suddenly it might be taken from you. The company of a very sad iPod and my journal. That sums up how I spent my days from Friday till Sunday night.

Today was great. Went to gramps’ for the usual Chinese New Year visiting, but only better because I got to see Luke and Oliver, two of the most beautiful little boys ever. Spent a long time babysitting some of them, but it was great. I’ll always love kids, even if I threaten to do nasty things when they start getting colicky <3 Can’t wait to grow up and have babies of my own instead of queuing in line to get a chance to carry them. I love the way their little chubby hands wrap themselves around your little finger, even if it’s covered with chocolate sticky or yucky. Or how to run and hide behind your legs when they see something they’re scared of. Or how they always smell like powder even when they’re perspiring from running around a few minutes ago. Or how they like to ask a million questions, and repeat them again because they forgot the answer. Or their secret little language you’re expected to understand as a parent. I think it has something to do with the feeling you get knowing that this little human, half of which is part of me, would always love me as much as I love him/her. Come what may, I really want to be there for my child like how my mama has been there for me all my life. The first they run to, the first they sought out when they encounter difficulties in their lives, the first people they love. Silly, but I’ll put these thoughts aside and wait for the years to pass first! :)

      
Goodnight everyone, I hope you had a pretty good Chinese New Year yourself.

I love being the reason behind your smiles, like how you're the reason for mine

When this life tries to keep us apart, you keep calling me back to your heart
I'm so glad you found me, wrap you all around me
I'd never find a love like this
And as strange as it may seem, I'll go if you take me
I'm willing to sacrifice