La Vengeance Est Un Plat Qui Se Mange Froid,: March 2013

Have you been overlooked before? I mean not literally having a person to stand in front of you and not see you. But to have someone forget your feelings, forget your very existence for that few moments in time. You don't know what went wrong. You kind of wish you can turn back the time to be there, waving with signal lights in hand to remind that person, "Hi, I'm right here. Please don't forget about me because it'll hurt for the rest of... I don't know, eternity?" You think about how someone can possibly say that you matter most because you're not supposed to hurt those who matters most to you.

That said, if someone chose someone else over you before, how do you rest assured that they wouldn't do it again? How would you know if the attraction of some shiny new thing, or long forgotten could-have-beens, or the possibility of feeling important or good about themselves, wouldn't falter that person again? How can you prevent yourself from being hurt? How would you know that given the circumstance, if it has happened before, what's stopping it from happening a second time? Because it's me, this is me and if I wasn't enough then, why would I be enough now? How do you find faith? How do you find the trust that you've painstakingly given away only to have it discarded like yesterday's trash? How do you forget and start anew, much less move on.

At the end of it all, do we ever move on? Do we ever forget the pain that only someone you truly care about and love with all you have can inflict on you? Can you love them the same way as you did before, a trust and love like a newborn baby that freefalls into anything, knowing that someone would be there to catch her at the end, no matter what. Yet at the same time, so naive, so weak, so vulnerable, so pathetic. Do we ever forget?

My memory of an elephant, it's tearing me up apart inside.

Time passes by so quickly when you aren't paying attention. I think that one of the worst feelings ever is watching the second hand on the clock tick by slowly, while you impatiently tap your feet and drum your fingers, waiting for the day to end. Waiting for the weekends to come. Waiting to get home to your solitude and refuge. It’s also the worst feeling that hits you like a wave, unexpected and all the more painful, when you realize how much time you let slip while letting your world and life pass you by. It’s the feeling you get when your head makes sense of what has become and your heart starts welling up with this sickening sour taste of… Guilt I suppose. Guilt stemming from not having cherished what you had before. Guilt coming from dreaming too big, that you get so far away and you forget the people left behind. Guilt coming from being too caught up with all these little insignificance, to pay attention to the things you once held dear to your heart. Just in case someone is reading, and just in case you’re wondering, yes I do hold you close to my heart whoever you are. Most of all, I guess, it’s the guilt you feel from knowing that you could have spent your time better. Somewhere better. Somehow better. Some way better. Most importantly, with someone better.

Guilt is also what I feel when I decided to come here today. Truth be told, I have been avoiding typing in my url or anything similar to it so that I wouldn’t be led in my temptation. I’m the sort of girl who can spend hours reading things that dates way back into the past, just because. It’s precisely because of that, that caused me to stop wanting to be a part of this; I hate what this space has been reduced to. I used to have secret journals, I used to have diaries I spill my thoughts out into, I used to be so happy with myself because I like to believe my power lies in my language. But now, I hardly do any of that anymore. That’s what time does to you huh? It changes you.

It’s strange because before all this, I was so blind. And right now, I just find it painfully obvious that my brain is still going “How can you miss something right that?” It’s like I suddenly woke up and here I am, four years from the moment I started having fun and losing track of the person I was, and the person I could be. It seems so far away but if I think about it now, I can still feel that insistent ache I felt so long ago from losing my dream and the thing I wanted. Goes to show how time can change so much, and yet so little at the same time.

This set me thinking, about what this is right now. Where I stand, where I am, who I am, and who are those that are around me. It makes me realize that those who really care, and the people who really matter, never fades away. Not the distance between us, or the time we’ve spent apart. Not the lack of words and conversation, or the fact that sometimes I question my own existence… None of that can break something that two people truly cherish. Those who are worthy will always stay. Behind the scenes, they motivate you, they support you, they listen to you, they give you unconditional love. Every single second of every single day, I am inspired to do better. To be the best that I can be for these people who never fail to keep their faith in me. And just like that, I am thankful for every moment they’ve ever been in my life because honestly, I look at the person I am now and I see myself as someone pieced together by so many other someones.
People come and go in our lives, and like it or not, they affect us in ways we cannot imagine. Each person who has been here has spent time with me, been a part of my struggles and journey, such that when I come out shaped and changed from each one, I think of them. I think of the role they’ve played, regardless of whether it’s good or bad, to get me here, to make me who I am. I guess there’s not a single person who is truly themselves. We’re all a little damaged, a little jaded, and a little altered to fit into the lives of one another. To make it count. To make what’s bad good, and to make what’s good even better. I hope I did that for someone, because I am appreciative of the goodwill that has come my way so far.

I am no longer impatient and uncaring about what others feel of me. I am no longer straightforward and insensitive with my thoughts and words that border too much on cynicism. I now hold the grace and magnitude to forgive and let live, to move on to better points in my life. Sometimes, it still hurts a little because we never really forget the hurt and disappointment that existed before, and that’s something that I have the ability to feel so greatly now, that I actually hate it. A little. I am no longer uncouth and vulgar in my thoughts and action. I am no longer immature as I was years before, when I believed that what I want in my life is what matter most, friendship and acquaintances are secondary. I have learnt that when the journey ahead is never-ending and tough, it’s the people I love who are going to be my tidal waves to push me further. To push me further and farther to a world beyond my imagination. I dream big now, because I want to be fearless; I hated myself for being that awkward girl who believed that mediocre was satisfactory, and big dreams are unrealistic dreams. I don’t want to be someone who hides in my own shadows, who judge my own capabilities and doubt my own strength. I don’t want to push things away because I think that someone else deserves it, or to reject compliments and shy away from others. I don’t want to hide the person I am, the person I want to be, from others. I want to say and show that this is it, this is me, this will always be me even if you’re my bestest friend or if you’re a stranger. I am so happy with the way I feel now. I want to pick flowers and take photos all the freaking time even though that seems a little mad. I am good, I want to be good and I want to get better. I want to learn and to live, to love and to breathe, and to make this moment and every after, the best it can possibly be. And that best is being happy.