These motherfuckers are doing jumping-jacks now

Procrastination

I used to be someone who would sit herself infront of the computer immediately after a long day at school, typing all my thoughts out feverishly. I have always had this constant fear of forgetting things, but more importantly, the fear of forgetting things that matter to me. Because if that happens, it would mean that those things really aren't that important anymore are they? Try as we might, we are not capable of inscribing memories into our heads no matter how we wanted that moment to last forever. Trust me, I have a few of such memories and years down the road, I hope that I can look back at them and realize that they are still fresh as ever. Memories with no expiration dates on the feelings and emotions we attach to them. But I digress.

Looking at this blog right now angers me. I have not kept the promises I make to myself to keep this alive. Time passes, life goes on, things change, and of course, people change too. I am angry at my lack of consistency, at my sluggishness. But most of all, I am angry at the regret I feel when I think about the past one (almost two) year that has passed and how little I remember of it. It would have been perfect to have something to scroll through, to remember every date and event, instead of little snippets of memories and not knowing where they fit. I hate that. But let's move on from forlorn things and complaining about things that we can't change. Okay maybe I can change that and squeeze my brain so that what little I can remember can be like water bleeding reluctantly from a sponge that has already been sucked dry. Hmmmmm.

Working

So. 

Working in school is quite something. I had no idea how hard it is to be managing a group of over 1000 students all by myself. It's not an easy feat, especially when it comes to Mondays in which you suffer from the blues, plunk yourself at your desk and go about replying the avalanche of emails those darlings bombard you with over the weekends. Literal hell. But this job has its perks. First of all, I met alot of new people. I got to know health fanatics whom I can share knowledge and have civilized debates with. I also found more people who appreciate my (very strange) sense of humor and the bank of random fun facts I have in my head, yippee to that. Don't get me started on the food. It's good, school food is always good. I have this theory that they intentionally make school food sooooo damn good so that gluttons like myself still drag themselves to school even when they can skip lessons. Plus it's cheap so you grow fat and die in school hahahahaha. Thirdly, I am suddenly open to so many opportunities that it's scary. That's one change I still have problems adapting to and I don't enjoy that one bit. People have been telling me that it's good and I'm lucky and that I should be proud of myself. Not really, when you do not know that you have your face plastered all over school, until a couple of friends take a photo of the posters and tag you on Facebook :( Blehhhhhh. But nevertheless, the photoshoots were fun and I enjoyed that.

Fear and Crazy Ideas

Good things come to an end though. I'll be leaving this job in about two weeks' time for bigger things. Literally bigger, and so much scarier. It's like you know your future would be brighter and more positive, but the very bright light that shines ahead is so great that it hurts your eyes and you are afraid of taking yet another step towards it. I am afraid and I spend nights being afraid. But that's something I have to move on from.

I also have this crazy idea to find a job at a cafe and work for free being a barista for a little while. The experience would really be amazing and I think it will be great to work for something I enjoy, instead of working for the sake of money or something beneficial to me. Few people ever get the chance to jump overboard into something they're passionate about, without thinking of consequences and breakeven. I feel like doing something that would make me happy internally and spiritually. Or maybe I'll just do another one of those things in my bucket list like, paint my heart out, travel by bicycle and explore Singapore, or something like that.

Working, out

I have been working out for quite some time now. My lightest weight in the past year was 45+, 46kg. But that wasn't my fittest, urgh. I am 50kg now, with a really low percentage body fat and I'm (sort of) strong! Some girls have this idea that skinny is fit and I want to laugh at how wrong they are. You can be underweight but if you have a high fat content, that's not really fit is it? I don't think it feels good to have an earthquake of jiggles erupting through your body when you skip rope or when you go for a slow jog. It feels... Wrong. Same goes for guys who have this perception that girls should be meek/ demure / gentle / tiny, so that they can boost their egos while "protecting" you. Protect from what, the shopping crowds on a weekend? Mehhhhh. I think men should be proud of girls who are physically, mentally and emotionally capable of tending to their own needs, instead of whining for more and more attention. There is a fine line between being depended on and trusted, and having someone behave like a clingwrap and sticking to you expecting you to do everything. Most of all, I hate hearing guys boasting and talking about you without knowing that I have the volume of my iPod at its lowest. Nope, girls in the gym aren't disgusting or too strong, too manly to the point that no guy would be attracted to them. It's a case of sour grapes. And not because they wish their girlfriends could be that way. No, they wouldn't "want" girls like us because they want to be us. To be strong enough to beat the odds and what people say and push ourselves for that one last rep, instead of crowding around one corner and checking each other out while trying their best to pop a muscle.

Being Something

Okiedokes I think I'm getting a little carried away. I'm going to be fighting for something that's relatively unattainable soon. But I really want to be the best I can be, the best I know I can be. Some people tell me to stop trying so hard to be someone better because I'm perfect the way I am and I should appreciate the person I am. But what if the person I am striving to be is the person I know I am fully capable of being, only better? I want to be at the best of my potential and I want to be proud of that. The best feeling in the world is being happy, satisfied and proud of the things you achieve, and of course the fact that you proved someone wrong.

I want to be the best I can. I am going to be the best I can imagine myself to be.

Watch me.

I'm doing this for me
So fuck the world, feed it beans, it's gassed up if it thinks it's stopping me
I'll be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably
And all those who look down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck-you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth
He's got the urge to pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe