I am here for a higher purpose

A month ago, I took my first step to one of the biggest changes in my life. It has been something I've been looking forward and training hard for throughout the past year. Unknown to many, this has started a really long time ago, in fact before my graduation, which is more than a year. I have been going for interviews and medical check-ups, and finally signing my contract with the Air Force on the 31st of July. The reason for the delay was namely because there wasn't any intake in the vocation I wanted, and also because I was still sorting out many things in my life. I went through interviews and was accepted into a "better" vocation, but I was afraid that I would regret that decision so I would rather wait a year for something I want. 

Most of the people I know calls this a "Gap Year", whereby you take a year off studying and working so that you can decide which path you truly want to take after graduation. Unlike them, I spent that one year working because I think I've already figured out what I wanted, all that needs to be done is to get the waiting over and done with. During that year, working in the corporate world and being faced with things like sexual harassment, bullying and the lack of a meritocratic system, affirmed my decision even more. 

I will make it clear now that joining the Air Force isn't a choice I made as a last resort. It definitely isn't a last resort because I have a placing in a prestigious university course. Being in the Air Force and aviation industry has been a choice I made, and a choice that I am continuing to make, since young. I was influenced by my cousin who is a WSO fighter, which is why I chose to study in a polytechnic instead of JC, to get a private pilot license. But as I've shared previously in my blog, I failed the medical check-up because of my blood deficiency. That broke me and I felt like I lost all dream and direction that I've endlessly followed since young. Imagine how I felt when I took the chance with the Air Force and realized that I cleared the tests I previously failed (I'm endlessly thankful to pick up hockey and start getting fit, which might have improved my blood condition). It felt like I lost my way and suddenly, I found that same old familiar beaten path; It never felt more familiar and at home. I wasn't sure of what lies ahead of me and how my life would turn out to be like, but I can tell you for sure that no matter what lies ahead of me, at that moment, I felt like I can take it all. Having your dreams dashed, and finding them all over again, it gives you a temporary shield of invincibility. I found myself more motivated to do things with the best of my abilities.

A couple of weeks before my enlistment, I got myself a tattoo of one of my favorite latin phrases; She flies with her own wings. It serves as a reminder to me to always remember my dreams. No matter how tough things would get, the pain will bring me one step closer to fulfilling everything I've ever wished for. I am proud to say that throughout everything that I have been through, I found it all worth it. And I think that is what people seek most of their lives, to find something worth it. To find a passion that would run so deep in their veins that even mindlessly repeating it wouldn't change their mindset at all.

Contrary to what people believe, BMT for girls is exactly the same as it is for guys. For certain activities, such as IPPT, we are given a different and more realistic set of standards as compared to the guys. But that does not mean that we are in any way inferior, or weaker than men. I think it takes guts, perseverance and a vast amount of determination to make the choice as I did. I think it takes a lot more for us to subject and volunteer ourselves to the exact treatment that men dread and get forced into. In the beginning, I did this because I wanted to. But along the way, I feel the sense of patriotism and love for my country set in. I feel proud and honoured that along with so many others, I am now capable of protecting this land and the people I love on it. My emotions overwhelm and I found myself with tears in my eyes when I took my vow on the first day of enlistment. I feel strong, accomplished and the sense of responsibility I have right now is something I look forward to every single day when I wake up. 

BMT life was a whole new world to me in the beginning. It was tiresome and sometimes it gets in my head when I have to wait to do the same routine every single day. But with each day, I get better and more confident in my tasks. With each day, I strive along with my friends and fellow soldiers. I build friendship and a (sorry for the lack of a better word) brotherhood with people who go through thick and thin. I know these people around me would be for life because we have a strong foundation build through the tough times we shared together. I also know for sure that when things turn for the worst, there are people we can count on, and we can link hands to shoulder the weight of the world. 

Most of my bunkmates say that I'm headstrong and tough. They know of my high expectations for myself because I get very beaten up and I am hard on myself when I don't meet the goals I have for myself. In a way, I have accepted that and came to appreciate the good and bad. With my determination, I know I can help to encourage those around me and let us all believe that we are capable of so much more. At the same time, I am aware that this attitude can only hurt myself more because in the past month, I have suffered more injuries than I've ever expected. I was discharged from CGH with a possible meniscus tear (I have to see a specialist the coming tuesday), and I suppose that's the worst news I have received so far. It is also a good wake-up call because I have came to accept that our body have limits even if our mind knows no boundaries. I am proud of the person I am, and how I have changed in the past month. I run in Category A1 with the fast guys in my company for our group runs, my IPPT Cat test is a Gold, I am a marksman. I believe that I can be everything I want to be if I set my heart to it.

During one of my interviews before enlistment, someone asked me "The people in overseas army units are honoured and looked up upon. How do you feel about that?". I believe that my answer back then impressed the interview board, but as I repeat my words now, I feel a deeply set sense of purpose I didn't have before. Our soldiers get subjected to scrutinization and the judgement of the general public just because of our obligation to our country. We may not fight a real war, our country may not be torn apart by others. But if a body count and blood shed are the things you need to realize our importance and be thankful for the peace and stability this country has, then why should you be appreciative of anything else? Yes, we may not get the recognition and we may not feel the kind of pride that overseas soldiers may have when donning our uniforms. But I know that no matter what, this country is ours and I feel more than happy to guard it with my life.

These motherfuckers are doing jumping-jacks now

Procrastination

I used to be someone who would sit herself infront of the computer immediately after a long day at school, typing all my thoughts out feverishly. I have always had this constant fear of forgetting things, but more importantly, the fear of forgetting things that matter to me. Because if that happens, it would mean that those things really aren't that important anymore are they? Try as we might, we are not capable of inscribing memories into our heads no matter how we wanted that moment to last forever. Trust me, I have a few of such memories and years down the road, I hope that I can look back at them and realize that they are still fresh as ever. Memories with no expiration dates on the feelings and emotions we attach to them. But I digress.

Looking at this blog right now angers me. I have not kept the promises I make to myself to keep this alive. Time passes, life goes on, things change, and of course, people change too. I am angry at my lack of consistency, at my sluggishness. But most of all, I am angry at the regret I feel when I think about the past one (almost two) year that has passed and how little I remember of it. It would have been perfect to have something to scroll through, to remember every date and event, instead of little snippets of memories and not knowing where they fit. I hate that. But let's move on from forlorn things and complaining about things that we can't change. Okay maybe I can change that and squeeze my brain so that what little I can remember can be like water bleeding reluctantly from a sponge that has already been sucked dry. Hmmmmm.

Working

So. 

Working in school is quite something. I had no idea how hard it is to be managing a group of over 1000 students all by myself. It's not an easy feat, especially when it comes to Mondays in which you suffer from the blues, plunk yourself at your desk and go about replying the avalanche of emails those darlings bombard you with over the weekends. Literal hell. But this job has its perks. First of all, I met alot of new people. I got to know health fanatics whom I can share knowledge and have civilized debates with. I also found more people who appreciate my (very strange) sense of humor and the bank of random fun facts I have in my head, yippee to that. Don't get me started on the food. It's good, school food is always good. I have this theory that they intentionally make school food sooooo damn good so that gluttons like myself still drag themselves to school even when they can skip lessons. Plus it's cheap so you grow fat and die in school hahahahaha. Thirdly, I am suddenly open to so many opportunities that it's scary. That's one change I still have problems adapting to and I don't enjoy that one bit. People have been telling me that it's good and I'm lucky and that I should be proud of myself. Not really, when you do not know that you have your face plastered all over school, until a couple of friends take a photo of the posters and tag you on Facebook :( Blehhhhhh. But nevertheless, the photoshoots were fun and I enjoyed that.

Fear and Crazy Ideas

Good things come to an end though. I'll be leaving this job in about two weeks' time for bigger things. Literally bigger, and so much scarier. It's like you know your future would be brighter and more positive, but the very bright light that shines ahead is so great that it hurts your eyes and you are afraid of taking yet another step towards it. I am afraid and I spend nights being afraid. But that's something I have to move on from.

I also have this crazy idea to find a job at a cafe and work for free being a barista for a little while. The experience would really be amazing and I think it will be great to work for something I enjoy, instead of working for the sake of money or something beneficial to me. Few people ever get the chance to jump overboard into something they're passionate about, without thinking of consequences and breakeven. I feel like doing something that would make me happy internally and spiritually. Or maybe I'll just do another one of those things in my bucket list like, paint my heart out, travel by bicycle and explore Singapore, or something like that.

Working, out

I have been working out for quite some time now. My lightest weight in the past year was 45+, 46kg. But that wasn't my fittest, urgh. I am 50kg now, with a really low percentage body fat and I'm (sort of) strong! Some girls have this idea that skinny is fit and I want to laugh at how wrong they are. You can be underweight but if you have a high fat content, that's not really fit is it? I don't think it feels good to have an earthquake of jiggles erupting through your body when you skip rope or when you go for a slow jog. It feels... Wrong. Same goes for guys who have this perception that girls should be meek/ demure / gentle / tiny, so that they can boost their egos while "protecting" you. Protect from what, the shopping crowds on a weekend? Mehhhhh. I think men should be proud of girls who are physically, mentally and emotionally capable of tending to their own needs, instead of whining for more and more attention. There is a fine line between being depended on and trusted, and having someone behave like a clingwrap and sticking to you expecting you to do everything. Most of all, I hate hearing guys boasting and talking about you without knowing that I have the volume of my iPod at its lowest. Nope, girls in the gym aren't disgusting or too strong, too manly to the point that no guy would be attracted to them. It's a case of sour grapes. And not because they wish their girlfriends could be that way. No, they wouldn't "want" girls like us because they want to be us. To be strong enough to beat the odds and what people say and push ourselves for that one last rep, instead of crowding around one corner and checking each other out while trying their best to pop a muscle.

Being Something

Okiedokes I think I'm getting a little carried away. I'm going to be fighting for something that's relatively unattainable soon. But I really want to be the best I can be, the best I know I can be. Some people tell me to stop trying so hard to be someone better because I'm perfect the way I am and I should appreciate the person I am. But what if the person I am striving to be is the person I know I am fully capable of being, only better? I want to be at the best of my potential and I want to be proud of that. The best feeling in the world is being happy, satisfied and proud of the things you achieve, and of course the fact that you proved someone wrong.

I want to be the best I can. I am going to be the best I can imagine myself to be.

Watch me.

I'm doing this for me
So fuck the world, feed it beans, it's gassed up if it thinks it's stopping me
I'll be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably
And all those who look down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck-you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth
He's got the urge to pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe

Coffee and Cigarettes

Hello. I have been gone for too long, way too long. And as usual, I barely know how to begin... Or end.

Let's start with this.

Stability

Hello there. I'm sorry I didn't hold on to my end of the promise and update this space as much as I like to.

I am offered a placing in NUS. And I've also received a call for an interview with NTU Business School.

This is the first time in a very long while that I feel like things are falling in place. This is the first time that I feel surety and confidence in the road ahead. This is my landing ground. It's stable, it's real. It is also about time I stop flying in chimerical daydreams and living life just by the day.

Watch out world, this flower wants to grow.

Bruised, not broken.

Have you been overlooked before? I mean not literally having a person to stand in front of you and not see you. But to have someone forget your feelings, forget your very existence for that few moments in time. You don't know what went wrong. You kind of wish you can turn back the time to be there, waving with signal lights in hand to remind that person, "Hi, I'm right here. Please don't forget about me because it'll hurt for the rest of... I don't know, eternity?" You think about how someone can possibly say that you matter most because you're not supposed to hurt those who matters most to you.

That said, if someone chose someone else over you before, how do you rest assured that they wouldn't do it again? How would you know if the attraction of some shiny new thing, or long forgotten could-have-beens, or the possibility of feeling important or good about themselves, wouldn't falter that person again? How can you prevent yourself from being hurt? How would you know that given the circumstance, if it has happened before, what's stopping it from happening a second time? Because it's me, this is me and if I wasn't enough then, why would I be enough now? How do you find faith? How do you find the trust that you've painstakingly given away only to have it discarded like yesterday's trash? How do you forget and start anew, much less move on.

At the end of it all, do we ever move on? Do we ever forget the pain that only someone you truly care about and love with all you have can inflict on you? Can you love them the same way as you did before, a trust and love like a newborn baby that freefalls into anything, knowing that someone would be there to catch her at the end, no matter what. Yet at the same time, so naive, so weak, so vulnerable, so pathetic. Do we ever forget?

My memory of an elephant, it's tearing me up apart inside.

So lace your hands round the small of my back, and I will kiss you like a king.

With you, all that I am is complete.

If I haven't yet, I have got to let you know.

Time passes by so quickly when you aren't paying attention. I think that one of the worst feelings ever is watching the second hand on the clock tick by slowly, while you impatiently tap your feet and drum your fingers, waiting for the day to end. Waiting for the weekends to come. Waiting to get home to your solitude and refuge. It’s also the worst feeling that hits you like a wave, unexpected and all the more painful, when you realize how much time you let slip while letting your world and life pass you by. It’s the feeling you get when your head makes sense of what has become and your heart starts welling up with this sickening sour taste of… Guilt I suppose. Guilt stemming from not having cherished what you had before. Guilt coming from dreaming too big, that you get so far away and you forget the people left behind. Guilt coming from being too caught up with all these little insignificance, to pay attention to the things you once held dear to your heart. Just in case someone is reading, and just in case you’re wondering, yes I do hold you close to my heart whoever you are. Most of all, I guess, it’s the guilt you feel from knowing that you could have spent your time better. Somewhere better. Somehow better. Some way better. Most importantly, with someone better.

Guilt is also what I feel when I decided to come here today. Truth be told, I have been avoiding typing in my url or anything similar to it so that I wouldn’t be led in my temptation. I’m the sort of girl who can spend hours reading things that dates way back into the past, just because. It’s precisely because of that, that caused me to stop wanting to be a part of this; I hate what this space has been reduced to. I used to have secret journals, I used to have diaries I spill my thoughts out into, I used to be so happy with myself because I like to believe my power lies in my language. But now, I hardly do any of that anymore. That’s what time does to you huh? It changes you.

It’s strange because before all this, I was so blind. And right now, I just find it painfully obvious that my brain is still going “How can you miss something right that?” It’s like I suddenly woke up and here I am, four years from the moment I started having fun and losing track of the person I was, and the person I could be. It seems so far away but if I think about it now, I can still feel that insistent ache I felt so long ago from losing my dream and the thing I wanted. Goes to show how time can change so much, and yet so little at the same time.

This set me thinking, about what this is right now. Where I stand, where I am, who I am, and who are those that are around me. It makes me realize that those who really care, and the people who really matter, never fades away. Not the distance between us, or the time we’ve spent apart. Not the lack of words and conversation, or the fact that sometimes I question my own existence… None of that can break something that two people truly cherish. Those who are worthy will always stay. Behind the scenes, they motivate you, they support you, they listen to you, they give you unconditional love. Every single second of every single day, I am inspired to do better. To be the best that I can be for these people who never fail to keep their faith in me. And just like that, I am thankful for every moment they’ve ever been in my life because honestly, I look at the person I am now and I see myself as someone pieced together by so many other someones.
People come and go in our lives, and like it or not, they affect us in ways we cannot imagine. Each person who has been here has spent time with me, been a part of my struggles and journey, such that when I come out shaped and changed from each one, I think of them. I think of the role they’ve played, regardless of whether it’s good or bad, to get me here, to make me who I am. I guess there’s not a single person who is truly themselves. We’re all a little damaged, a little jaded, and a little altered to fit into the lives of one another. To make it count. To make what’s bad good, and to make what’s good even better. I hope I did that for someone, because I am appreciative of the goodwill that has come my way so far.

I am no longer impatient and uncaring about what others feel of me. I am no longer straightforward and insensitive with my thoughts and words that border too much on cynicism. I now hold the grace and magnitude to forgive and let live, to move on to better points in my life. Sometimes, it still hurts a little because we never really forget the hurt and disappointment that existed before, and that’s something that I have the ability to feel so greatly now, that I actually hate it. A little. I am no longer uncouth and vulgar in my thoughts and action. I am no longer immature as I was years before, when I believed that what I want in my life is what matter most, friendship and acquaintances are secondary. I have learnt that when the journey ahead is never-ending and tough, it’s the people I love who are going to be my tidal waves to push me further. To push me further and farther to a world beyond my imagination. I dream big now, because I want to be fearless; I hated myself for being that awkward girl who believed that mediocre was satisfactory, and big dreams are unrealistic dreams. I don’t want to be someone who hides in my own shadows, who judge my own capabilities and doubt my own strength. I don’t want to push things away because I think that someone else deserves it, or to reject compliments and shy away from others. I don’t want to hide the person I am, the person I want to be, from others. I want to say and show that this is it, this is me, this will always be me even if you’re my bestest friend or if you’re a stranger. I am so happy with the way I feel now. I want to pick flowers and take photos all the freaking time even though that seems a little mad. I am good, I want to be good and I want to get better. I want to learn and to live, to love and to breathe, and to make this moment and every after, the best it can possibly be. And that best is being happy.

      

Thankful for each and every single moment that you all have ever been a part of my life.

Have you ever been at this point of your life where you're faced with a decision? There's a choice I have to make for my future, for the things I want, and for the dreams I chase.
But right now, I see how hard it is for that person I love to live with it. I see how he struggles to smile and say comforting words, but at the same time, he believes that this decision would make me suffer.

Moments like this makes you wonder, whether you made the right choice after all.

A lot like love.

A long time ago, we met up for the first time for dessert at East Coast. We sat in awkward silence because we didn't know what to say. I remember feeling nervous and thinking if I looked nice throughout the whole day during my internship.
A long time ago, we sat on a bench while I worried about what to say for fear that what I have to share would bore you.
A long time ago, your first words to me were "I just finished playing soccer, damn smelly. Warning."
A long time ago, I accompanied you to get your ears pierced.
A long time ago, you lost your first earring because it got entangled in my hair while you were play-wrestling me and it came off.
A long time ago, you accompanied me on an hour's train journey to send me off for dinner. When you realized I was alone, you rushed back to find me. I remember thinking that this could be something I can get used to.
A long time ago, we went out on dates sneakily after school because we were trying to avoid people and the things they might say.
A long time ago, we would brush off people's questions with a smile or a cheeky reply.
A long time ago, you secretly laid out some paper on the floor that, when put together, says "Will you be my girlfriend?". You were standing with the last piece of paper in your suit with a bouquet of flowers in hand.
A long time ago, we would take frequent walks on the bridge or at our secret place. Now, we don't do that anymore because time is always running out.
A long time ago, we can sit and talk for hours about what was on our minds. Now, we struggle to find the things that are important so that we can get them out before we forget.
A long time ago, we spend our days watching multiple movies. We caught everything that the cinema ever showed, even if we ended up with terrible choices (Contagion hahahaha). Now, we turned from movie fanatics to watching them only if there were good ones.
A long time ago, you took every chance you can possibly have to meet me. You rushed to find me and watch my hockey trainings after your flight. Now, I wait eagerly for the weekends to come.
A long time ago, you knew how much hockey mattered to me so you make it a point to always be there. You were my fanclub on the spectator stands, through rain or shine.
A long time ago, you realized how stubborn I can be when it comes to the things I am passionate about.
A long time ago, our lives revolve around each other. You moved with me, everywhere I went.
A long time ago, you discovered my love and pickiness when it comes to food. I moved and we ate. Roti Prata at Tampines, Beancurd at Kallang Airport, and now Simpang or wherever is near to us.
A long time ago, we don't talk on the phone. Now, it is the thing that we work towards at the end of the day.
A long time ago, we were available to each other 24/7 every single day. Now, we had lesser than 48 uninterrupted hours. Sometimes even lesser than that.
A long time ago, you hardly knew me. But you made the effort to, and now I have nothing left to hide.
A long time ago, I was afraid that I cannot impress you. Now, I hope that all I am is enough for you.
A long time ago, I was skeptical and a little bit scared. Now, I am only scared when you're not around.
A long time ago, I was impatient and demanding. Now, I've learnt that when I give, I cannot ask for anything in return because I know it might not be right now in this present moment. But one day, all that I have given would be worth it.
A long time ago, I was not sure. Now, nothing has been clearer.
A year ago, and now, so much has changed. We have fought and cried and grown and matured. Sometimes I feel so alive like a little bird that yearns to fly away and to fly far. But I always know that no matter where I go, and no matter where I wish I could be, I would go back home to you.

A year ago, things were really different. We were really different.

A year ago, the love and feelings I had for you, has not changed. In fact, they can only grow stronger.

A year ago, you made a permanent reservation in my heart. Now, you have a home in it.

A year ago, this was about a girl who didn't have anything to be scared of, someone who isn't a damsel waiting to be saved from distress. Now, I'm completely changed.

A year ago, this was about a shy boy who didn't talk much and was completely clueless about what to do. Now, that stranger is you.

A year ago, I love you just as much. And years from now, it would always remain this way.
You have been all kinds of wonderful. A gift specially for me, and I'm thankful for that. Thankful for you.

I love you, and happy anniversary Kenny See.

Under the sea

I've been a mermaid and life is good that way.

How is yours?

A promise of better days

It seems like I failed at keeping my promise to keep this place as alive as it used to be :( Work robs me of my everyday activities, and when I actually am free, I go out and spend time with my favorite people instead.

Which reminds me…

I hope the remaining 348 days stays this way, because this year started out wonderfully. In fact, beautifully. I cannot express how happy I was to spend time with these important people. I have to admit, I’m someone who likes to remain cut off and unattached. Sometimes, I choose to put my guards up and keep my feelings and thoughts to myself because I believe it’s better that way. I’m also someone who tends to get too caught up with her work. I like things that don’t require any high maintenance or commitment, which pretty much explains why I like being alone sometimes. I wouldn’t have to adhere to anyone’s requests, meet anyone’s expectations, or make sacrifices for anyone. I like drawing because I draw when I want to. I don’t know to plan some extravagant date, or find a time that fits everyone’s schedule.

Yes it may seem selfish but I just think that if everyone else’s lives went on perfectly fine without me, then it would mean that I don’t hold much significance. And eventually, I just feel like I don’t have any right to be part of their lives or to demand anything of them. Most of the time, I wait till someone starts missing me before we would ever make plans to meet. I’m quite a sorry excuse of a friend, but lucky for me, most of my friends seem to be carved from the same block as I am. I find it extremely superficial to go out with my friends just to show that I have a social life, or to have more new photos to post on facebook or some social website. I would rather stick by these people who truly cares for me (I can tell), and no matter what we have between us; space/ distance/ time. We can easily overcome it the moment we meet. No awkward silences, no stranger conversations, no fidgeting, just people who have been separated falling back together again.

That said, I’m endlessly thankful for these friends who never fail to show me a truly good time. And of course, to start my new year in such a brilliant and happy way. I love each of you so much.

Not to forget, there’s also this wonderful boy who never fails to show me that he loves me. (He met my family for the second time and we went on an overseas road trip together! ^^) We’ve been seeing each other for more than a year, almost two years in fact. I am well aware of the fact that no relationship is perfect, and quarrels do arise every now and then. It’s especially hard for the both of us because we haven’t even got over the “honeymoon” phase before he has to enlist. Our time spent together is limited to the weekends, and more if we’re lucky. But we make it work don’t we? I hope we always do because you’ve truly been a dream come true and I’m really lucky to be loved by you.

Congratulations my soldier. I’m so proud of you for staying strong against the daily regimental life in NS, and also juggling our relationship at the same time. Nothing makes me more proud than to hold on to your arm while you’re all dressed up in uniform during your social night. I know you’re capable of so many many things, and I hope that wherever you go, my faith in you would remind you that you would always be loved. Stay strong Kenny, I love you so much. Most of all, I wish you didn’t have to leave. But all this would be worth it, I promise xx.