La Vengeance Est Un Plat Qui Se Mange Froid,

I'll pick up these broken pieces until I'm bleeding, if that'll make it right.

2012-01-29T22:49:00.001+08:00

I have always envisioned myself as someone who is going to grow up to be strong, indestructible and pretty much a real superwoman. I picture myself as someone I would look up to if I ever travel into the future and see a grown-up me. I was fine visualizing myself too ice-cold to be with. Too strong and lacking vulnerability that no one would ever want to protect me. I was okay with being alone because sometimes I really wonder what company is ever good for. Broken hearts, painful memories, grudges, loss of trust, disappointment, being misled, these are the things you came away with. Nothing good can ever come of it. Love, what can it be possibly good for? And kids, who needs them anyway? Chances of them growing up to be full-blown brats who shows no respect or empathy for others are increasingly high, especially after watching how children behave these days. They’ll disappoint you, break your heart, and make you wonder if you’re a failure all the time. It’s like a long term relationship you can never ever walk away from. One that tests your patience and causes never-ending heartaches. They say love makes the world go round, but the lack of it, it wouldn’t kill you either right? That is why my accomplishments and grades were really all that mattered to me because it proved my worth, they really are things I cannot do without. Honestly, love can’t fill your tummy, keep you warm and safe with a roof over your head, leave you contented when you go to sleep. What good is it for?

But then, someone comes along and he makes you wonder if it is worth it. The feeling of happiness bubbling through your body, of butterflies fluttering in your stomach, or the smiles on your face that appears without you noticing, the thoughts you share or the plans you make. I so badly want to take those words back because suddenly I realize that despite how sure I am that I would be better off alone, the situation proves otherwise. Maybe it was because I didn’t dare believe that it was possible, didn’t dare to open doors to old heartaches and repeated history. Just because something didn’t work out the way you wanted to before, doesn’t mean that it would not be perfect this time. Or the next, or the next to come.

Before you know it, it’s like you’re waking up to different days where everything was easier. Mistakes easier to overlook, nothing is able to get you down. Suddenly, I feel like I can do fine giving up the greater things in life just to keep this around. Just to make sure that my days like these last for however long it can, because I know this happiness does not come easy. Some people settle for less, some people end up regretting decisions they make. Maybe my story is that I have been closing doors to something that has been there all along. It was a slap in my face because I used to stand so firmly in my beliefs that there’s no such thing as not being able to live without another, that even if we lost someone we carry on the same as before. Despite that, I am happy because subconsciously, all I wanted was to be proven wrong. And I was.

Happy days never really last, or maybe they do, but there are bound to be short, cloudy and depressing breaks in between. It breaks my heart knowing that there is bound to be disappointment in every story I thought was perfect. What’s ironic is that, the more you love, the more the expectation, the more you’ll be disappointed. I try to keep it to a down-low, to bottle things up so I wouldn’t feel that way. But there are times when I would question myself again if this is really worth it. If all these quick thrills of euphoria would be able to tide me through the tough times I will have ahead. Or how would I able to survive if I end up losing everything, being alone and falling back to square one again. Or why is it that I’m leaving myself high and dry, that the best is all I’m giving, and yet it is never enough for anybody. Or if this effort would eventually come back wasted, unappreciated and unreturned.
I guess I can deal with it, that maybe past heartaches have toughened me up for many to come. That I would get used to having my heart broken because of my silly naivety, but still pick myself up in the end. Maybe years down the road, I’ll come back only to realize this is simply another chapter in a book and my happy ending is far from coming. But you know what I can’t handle? The disappointment that comes along when I realize that I should not be having these thoughts, should not be doubting what this is worth. The sadness that clouds your thoughts when you realize how quickly things can fall apart. When you really love someone, you wouldn’t be so quick to judge. You wouldn’t feel vulnerable at the littlest of stumbles, wouldn’t keep your guards up so quickly because you know and you have faith that you won’t be hurt at all.

But if that is true, then why do I feel this way? That said, am I really worth loving?
:*(

I find peace when I’m confused

2012-01-27T00:34:00.001+08:00

Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it was like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.

The only one that knows me, love it when you hold me

2012-01-23T23:44:00.001+08:00

A road trip to Genting that lasted over seven hours. Short day at an amusement park that got cut even shorter because of an abrupt thunderstorm. First time queuing for a ride for over two hours, first time riding on Go-Karts. Overcoming my fear of scary rides alone. Shivering in the cold all alone just to get some wifi. CottonCandy ice-cream at Baskin Robbins which I fell in love with. My first time at a casino. Visits to temples. Traffic jams because of a major car accident involving twelve cars, and realizing the vulnerability of life and how suddenly it might be taken from you. The company of a very sad iPod and my journal. That sums up how I spent my days from Friday till Sunday night.

Today was great. Went to gramps’ for the usual Chinese New Year visiting, but only better because I got to see Luke and Oliver, two of the most beautiful little boys ever. Spent a long time babysitting some of them, but it was great. I’ll always love kids, even if I threaten to do nasty things when they start getting colicky <3 Can’t wait to grow up and have babies of my own instead of queuing in line to get a chance to carry them. I love the way their little chubby hands wrap themselves around your little finger, even if it’s covered with chocolate sticky or yucky. Or how to run and hide behind your legs when they see something they’re scared of. Or how they always smell like powder even when they’re perspiring from running around a few minutes ago. Or how they like to ask a million questions, and repeat them again because they forgot the answer. Or their secret little language you’re expected to understand as a parent. I think it has something to do with the feeling you get knowing that this little human, half of which is part of me, would always love me as much as I love him/her. Come what may, I really want to be there for my child like how my mama has been there for me all my life. The first they run to, the first they sought out when they encounter difficulties in their lives, the first people they love. Silly, but I’ll put these thoughts aside and wait for the years to pass first! :)

Goodnight everyone, I hope you had a pretty good Chinese New Year yourself.

I love being the reason behind your smiles, like how you're the reason for mine

When this life tries to keep us apart, you keep calling me back to your heart
I'm so glad you found me, wrap you all around me
I'd never find a love like this
And as strange as it may seem, I'll go if you take me
I'm willing to sacrifice

Stupid girl

2012-01-20T02:22:00.001+08:00

I wish you know how I feel. I wish there's an easier way than this. I wish you know how it feels to hear the sound of text messages, hoping it'll be from the person you want it to be, and hoping it would say the things you want to see. And I wish I practiced what I preach instead of being reduced to this every single time. I wish I don't care anymore. Maybe just this once, I want to be the one chased after and cherished, than to care more and do the chasing instead.Now look who's always the one breaking her own heart apart alone late at night while her mind and heart goes on a rampage. Stupid girl, always a stupid girl.

We'd laugh about their vacant stares

2012-01-15T23:11:00.000+08:00

It seems as though my days are running together and I’m losing track of time. Every single day seem to pass even quicker than before, and before you know it, my weekends are here. Hahahaha but then again, maybe it only applies for this week because of all the activities lined up for me.
I helped out for my course’s JAE on Wednesday for the last time before graduation. I felt happy talking to others and sharing everything that I’ve learnt and been through in the past three years. There was a point of time when I thought that I would no longer have such feelings for this anymore. I guess the biggest regret I have thus far is not being able to get over past failures and picking myself up again. Not being able to be a pilot was a great blow to me and it made me feel so angry and disappointed with everything in life. Somehow the hurt ended up rubbing off on the wrong things and I held grudges when it was something no one had any control over. Over some time, I guess those negative feelings remained rooted in my mind and robbed me of the ability to feel such passion again. I’m thankful for the crazily hot afternoon shift from 1pm to 6pm that made me realize that sometimes, all it takes is old memories that would re-instill those old feelings within you. Flying is no longer a possibility for me, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll constantly be at rock-bottom. Of course, dinner with Donovan at Carl’s Junior after that also made my tummy happy :) Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I also had my napfa test on Friday. I know I’ve pissed people off by going against their advice, and my doctor’s, and carrying on with all that running. I know it seems ridiculous but it means more to me than simply showing others that I am strong and physically fit enough. I’ve had a tough year, and dislocating my ankle doesn’t fall under the good category. It made me feel so helpless and pathetic, I don’t even know where to begin. Being followed back home and not having the ability to fight for yourself or run, I guess that experience would always stay with you. The thoughts and feelings that run through your brain at that moment leaves a permanent imprint that changes so many things. It was the realization at that moment that my life can change so much and spiral down an endless tunnel of depression if anything were to happen to me, that was real helplessness.

All I wanted is to know whether I’m still that same headstrong person as I had been before. There’s so much that happened where all that I can do is nod and accept whatever is being taken away from me. Flying, being a defender, running, other things. It has grown to the point that sometimes I don’t even bother putting up a fight, and succumbing too the circumstances straight away. My mental strength has always been something I took pride in, something that I know I can rely on to keep me going during tough times. I wanted that back. And I guess I still have it in me. It took tremendous amount of pain that I went through, engaging in running that I should very well stay away from, and I guess I could see that I’m still going to push myself past my limits to fight for something I want. I felt like my ankle was going to give way at any time, there were sharp jolts of pain that ran all the way up my calves with every stride. But I told myself that if I’m already halfway there, then there’s no point stopping and putting all that effort to waste. Even if it means running with my eyes closed just to space out for abit.

I got what I wanted, a Gold. I got As for every station except for SBJ and I was seconds to an A for my 2.4km. I’m no longer that silly fat girl who goes into a state of panic the day before Napfa and resort to taking MCs just to get away from them. I’m no longer the same person who lives every day of her life under the opinions and judgements from other people that made her feel inferior and afraid all the time. That was years ago and I’m happy I came this far, happier, stronger, fearless. All it takes really, is for myself and the people who love me to believe in me and show me that I can as long as I don’t stop trying. I know it’s tough fighting your personal wars inside yourself, while other people try to get you down all the time, but I tell myself that happy days await me and well, it really does.

Silly pictures that keeps me smiling,

Last of all, I want to say…

Happy 20th Birthday baby ♥♥♥

(Three hearts not because I’m stingy, but because it’s your jersey number for three years)

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there on the actual day for a proper celebration with you. I really tried, but I guess all of us are so busy right now that our schedules conflict all the time. Muchen and Huiqin have their coursework, I have my projects, and you have your internship and projects. I know this semester would be a tough and exhausting one for you, but do know that no matter what happens, we’ll all stand by you and keep you going. I realized through you, that strong friendships are built on similarities. Maybe it also has to do with the fact that all four of us fought for the same thing for such a long time, all the time holding each other together and striving for what we wanted. We don’t need to be with each other 24/7 every single day, meet up at least once every week, gossip all the time, text each other endlessly, and nevertheless, we remain that close.

You’ve been such a great difference to my life for the past three years that sometimes I can’t even remember what it’s like before I know you. Little things makes me think of the things we talked about, and I hope that’s the same for you. You’re one of the most special people I’ve ever known, and I know I have reminded you repeatedly about that. You never seem to believe it but I’m more than happy to keep doing that for the rest of my life. If the end of the world is really going to be this year, I’ll save you and put you in my apocalypse team, no second thoughts about that. Hell, if you turned into a zombie I’ll probably remain by your side and we can build a zombie army just because it’s fun. If I were Jack and you were Rose, I’ll give you my stupid wooden plank thing to float on, no questions asked. That’s what you mean to me, and probably to a lot of other people too. We’re probably going on different paths in our lives soon, because you’re so happy and lively while I’m pretty much a social outcast who fears camps and orientations. But I promise I’ll be with you every step of the way if you ever need me around, Best Friends forever, cross my heart. I can be the person you call at three am in the morning, and I can be the reply text you get when insomnia strikes and we both lay awake restless and energetic in the wee hours of the morning. We can be at each other’s weddings, and name each other’s babies even though I’m quite the sadist who might stuff your baby with food because I like them fat and round. We can even have wheelchair races, or play that hockey-lookalike thing at our retirement home. I love you :) Please keep yourself happy and sane because I’ll need you by my side many years down the road.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sinful indulges with Kenny, on random days, close to home.

I am a confused person who thinks weird thoughts, and daydreams and stare into space quite frequently. My mind operates on clockwork, which is probably the only reason why I allow my frantic thoughts to keep me awake and take over my mind. I worry about the littlest of things and remain insecure about what the coming day would bring me.

But I know now that the first step to looking forward, instead of glancing over my shoulder all the time fearing that my past would catch up to me, is to be brave. History made would forever remain unchanged, no matter how much you wish it would’ve turned out different. We can’t live our lives dwelling in what could’ve been and missing out on what we have in the present. All we can do is to hope that history made would not repeat themselves, that you wouldn’t go back to square one after everything that you’ve done. We have to accept things for what they are, because wishing and hoping for something else is pointless and disappointing if we never really make an effort to change them. Sure, things are never picture perfect as we want, but we learn to be satisfied and happy with all our shortcomings and flaws.

Things would change, maybe for the better, maybe they remain the same, or maybe they’ll take a turn for the worse. But that’s the thing about life, we never ever know what it holds in store for us, what is going to happen next. There’s a beauty in it because we remain pleasantly surprised when good things await us, instead of simply nodding and being unappreciative about it. There’s never a definite path that guarantees that everything would turn out how we want it to be.

All we really can do is to be brave and take the next step forward into the unknown, with our eyes closed and fists clenched tight around faith,. We close our eyes and wish for the best, hoping that we wouldn’t step into empty space and fall. And sometimes, we realize that even if we fall, there’s been someone at the bottom, waiting to catch us all along.

Thank you K, for being the best friend and making me laugh like a hyena even though it can be really embarrassing.

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you
It's not theirs to speculate if it's wrong
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you

Echo

2012-01-12T21:31:00.000+08:00

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name, like a fool at the top of my lungs
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright, but it's never enough
Cause my echo is the only voice coming back
My shadow is the only friend that I have

Bigger things

2012-01-11T04:01:00.001+08:00

Things has been good for me recently. I'm facing a dilemma because suddenly I realize that I'm growing up. A couple of months later, I'll be facing tough decisions I have to make by myself, making tough choices and giving up on some things. I want so badly to realize my dreams, soar and fly on my own wings. But it scares me that doing so may mean that I have to give up on other things I've been fighting for and dreaming off all my life.
This is all happening too fast.

Pretty hectic days

2012-01-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

Looking at you, holding my breath

For once in my life, I'm scared to death

I'm taking a chance, letting you inside

I’m a sucker for silly videos, pretty pictures and many other nonsensical things you can find on the internet, which is why I put off blogging properly for so long.

30th December:
We Bought A Zoo at I12 Katong! I wanted to go to the zoo but somehow the lazy bug inside got the best of me and we started coming up with excuses; it will rain/ too hot/ too far/ damn smelly. But all’s well because the movie made up for it. It was damn good, I love animal movies. MAKES ME MELT ON THE INSIDE. Ice-cream chef at night with the boys before heading to East Coast to walk around. Ended up at Mac’s waiting for Deon who overslept so Darren fetched us back in the end.

31st December:
Rather uneventful New Year’s Eve but that was fine with me! I had some alone time shopping and sinfully buying things I do not need, hahahaha what a way to end a year. Anyway, it’s a habit I’m trying to kick so may that be the last time until Forever. Sent Kenny off for his flight before heading to Ming’s for our countdown. We ordered pizza that took more than 1.5hours to arrive and devoured it because it was already 11pm! Watched football > Fell asleep > Watched Thirty Minutes And Less > Cabbed to Deon’s before going back home.

1st January:
Dinner at Pastamania before walking around talking about everything and pretty much anything.

After that, school reopened and everyday has been the same. School, dinner, and back home. FINALLY MET MY LOVELY CLASSMATES AFTER AGES, and I miss them all to death. That’s the only plus point about school I think.

OH, I FINALLY MET HASEEF AFTER HIS ONE YEAR IN AUSTRALIA. He came back for his NS, and then he’s flying back there to complete his studies. I wish I have a chance to do that too! Can’t wait to meet him again along with the rest! :D

4th January:
Went to Ngee Ann Polytechnic to watch Ming’s IVP after school with Deon and Kenny. They won 2-0, so happy for them because now they qualify to move on to other matches! Had dinner at Kallang Airport before going back home.

5th January:
Finally got to meet my hockey babies during lunch break, even though it’s only for awhile. Had dinner at DingTaiFung after school, something I’ve been craving for ages. My stomach had a pretty good time, I had an emeffing awesome time too! I’m pretty sure XLB would be the only thing I’ll be eating if Doomsday really comes soon. I’m adamant on spending all my money on it, cannot change my mind because this kind of thing, cannot give chance. Food is food, I want to die a happy and satisfied ghost :B

7th January:
MET UP WITH MAH GANGGGGGG ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Dinner, then we hang out at CoffeeBean as usual. Caught up so much with the rest of them, especially our dear army boys who passed out that very same afternoon!

Today, I caught up with a new book I’ve just purchased and I had the longest meal in my life. Spent two hours in The Soup Spoon trying to force down every morsel of food because the portion was humongous. Good day nevertheless :B
I’ll upload pictures sometime soon, goodnight. I AM A GIANT MASS OF HAPPINESS THAT BOUNCES AROUND, NO GRAVITY YOU CAN’T PULL ME DOWN >:)

If you like me, then say you like me.

2012-01-04T02:43:00.000+08:00

"And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter."

Remember how I said life has a funny way of handing you surprises at times when you least expect it? How good times can suddenly turn insufferable. Or how the worst days can suddenly leave you crawling into bed happy, with a smile so genuine and jubilant that you feel like your face might split.
The past few days originally left my head spinning like it has been thrown onto a turnabout with no clue about how go get off. But after today, it seems like those days of mental turmoil were merely just a dream that remains far away, while this huge amount of happiness and contentment stays right here. Tangible, real and warm in my palm.

Heart to heart talks have never been something I was ever good at. I cannot even look you straight in the eye and hold a proper conversation while expressing my feelings. Needless to say, having to do that while baring my soul and innermost thoughts, most of which are silly, is a herculean feat for me. But I did it because this one time, I know it will all be worth it.
I do not have the slightest clue or idea where this could go from here or how things would end up. I may not have a lot of faith in my capabilities, but I stay contented knowing that I will try and I would never give up without fighting.

I love long strolls and beautiful lights. I love laying down to stargaze and the chilly wind. I love conversations with topics that shift and change like sand in tidewaters. I love the silhouettes and shadows casted by street lamps on faces that would remain permanently imprinted in my memories.
This has been magical. It has been everything I can possibly ask for, and even more. I think this is a first step to growing up, learning to be satisfied with everything in the present instead of looking at the things you lack. It feels so unreal, too good to be true that I am afraid of blinking sometimes. Afraid that it would turn out to be a dream.

But even if it is, please let it come true.

Goodbye, my 2011.

2012-01-01T00:30:00.000+08:00

My 2011 has been filled with ups and downs, but nonetheless it was an eventful year. It was filled with heartache, worries and frustrations that sometimes I worry that my happy things would run out and I’ll end up feeling miserable for the rest of whenever. Despite that, I’m happy because whatever that happened in this year shaped me and made me a better person than I was before.

My 2011 in 19 significant events, for my 19th year of life:

1. Spending my first day of the year cycling my butt off.

2. Chinese New Year with a beautiful family

3. Applying for an internship with Cathay Pacific and spending six months there, before getting the most tedious part of year3 life over and done with

4. Said goodbye to love of close to two years.

5. Learning to stand on my own feet and finding myself all over again

6. Dislocating my ankle, nearly tearing my calves muscles

7. Sending off a beloved friend who went overseas for her internship

8. Chopping off my long locks for short pixie crop hair before coloring it red and brown.

9. Becoming a hockey goalkeeper

10. POL-ITE 2011, coming back home with Silver.

11. Getting to know an amazing bunch of people who gave me endless laughter and support

12. Late night lepak and jamming sessions after Div4 matches

13. Rounding with my hockey girls and coach

14. Watching my first live soccer match ever, and getting addicted to it

15. My amazing 19th birthday at Ikea

16. The Wolfpack

17. Going to Bangkok with my friends

18. AMS Reception and spending time with my amazing classmates

19. Finding my love for drawing and writing all over again

This is a year where many things changed for me. I found out that I am actually a lot more stronger than I thought I was, and I also let go of many things I thought I wasn't strong enough to. I had many "first"s, there were many downs and ups but my friends kept me going. I made about a thousand mistakes, and at the same time learnt ten times more valuable lessons than I ever could otherwise. There was a share of tiffs and fallout among friends, but I guess that gave me a second look at how friendship works and what keeps all of us together.

In 2011, good things happened to me,

Had my happy moments in a long term relationship
Met different people from all walks of life through my internship
Had a wonderful internship experience that left me so much wiser, despite the stressful days and never-ending workload
Bonded more with my family than before
Pushed myself past my physical capabilities
Did my hockey team proud and exceeded my own expectations by conceding only one goal the entire season, the lowest goalcount by far
Tasted victory and accomplishment when hard work is paid off
Shared my secrets with friends, something I've never really done before
Found true friends who stood by me and gave me everything I could ask for when I was at my most vulnerable
Learnt to make selfish decisions
Experienced new-found freedom
Started writing things that made sense again
Realized that I didn't have a clue of who I am as an individual and eventually, I managed to find myself again
Learnt to be slightly more friendly instead of being so painfully shy all the time
Made new friends who never fail to make me laugh like a hyena
Rollerbladed the night before my birthday away
Found the courage to try new things; Riding pillion on motorbikes, clubbing, soccer, etc
"Say You Like Me" - We The Kings
Learning to let go and stop being afraid

Then again, there are definitely a share of bad things and mistakes,

I picked up smoking because I thought it'll make it easier when things get tough. Dropped it because I realize that I'm only fooling myself.
Finally admitted defeat after fighting for something I deluded myself into for so long
Had my share of annoying people who test my patience all the time
Let my expectations of people get ahead of me
Became slightly more vulgar because of some things, but it got better already!
Nearly lost a loved one, left me shaking and praying to whoever who would listen
Had my heart broken
Tried to shut people who love me out
Got followed back home
Some pervert took photos of me on a bus ride home
Got groped in a club
Lost touch with some people, and some things I love
Got angry at myself repeatedly
Disappointed people who loved me

I've made decisions no one would expect me to, I learn to lay down my defences and pride. I realized that sometimes, you've got to be strong and admit that no matter what you do, you can't make things the way you want them to be. I've never been brave, quite often I can't wait to admit defeat and wallow in my own puddle of self-pity. But after everything I've been through this year, I can stand on my own feet and fight for what I think I deserve. Even if I can't, I rest assured that my friends would be there to push me to go further. I'm getting better at accepting changes instead of being scared and worried about them all the time.

Life has a funny way of getting better at the worst, and bringing bad things when you're sky high. I've come to realized that even though that may frustrate the heck out of me, all these little obstacles that come my way make me appreciative of what I'm capable of, and the people around me who loves and cares. People would know that I'm more comfortable behind the shield of a computer screen, I'm better expressing my feelings through texts and long entries written here. I'm thankful for the people who love me because they put up with that, and they deal with the endless waiting and awkward silences I may give sometimes.

I guess the biggest challenge the entire year is having to be alone. It was difficult to let go of something that you know you've been fighting so hard to hold on to and keep alive. It's one thing to say goodbye to love you lost, it's another to do that with something you were previously too stubborn to let go off. It's also because of this stubbornness that brought me more ache and pain I could've spared myself from, but at least through it, I know that I'm still kicking after losing something that had meant the world to me. Every step of letting go wasn't easy. It took me courage to wake up everyday and face a phone that no longer have texts awaiting your reply. It was also that much harder waking up to a reality you rather not face. It was harder to endure long bus rides alone and having no one to send you back home. I guess that was one of the toughest things I had to get over because being the hopeless romantic that I am, I love being sent/walked back home. It took me ages to see things as they are, instead of replaying old memories when I walk past certain places or listen to silly music. Every step along the way, I told myself that it was for the best and I was stronger being by myself. Knowing that I'm the one who made the decision and brought on my own misery didn't make things any better. I was a mess but the past few months of being loved by the people around me and being cared for, it pieced me back together bit by bit.

I'm still flawed, still broken. There's parts of me I hide away now because I've learnt that letting people have your vice isn't a good thing. I'm still that little bit afraid of committing too much, caring too much, just in case it comes back unappreciated. Worst of all, I'm a whole lot more sensitive to things that wouldn't have hurt me in the past. I hate being this fragile and weak but I know it's all in the process of growing back to who I once was before. Yet maybe this might be a blessing because despite being incomplete, someone might come along and love me better than before. I miss being happier instead of relying on people for laughter and smiles all the time. But I know that things would get better as long as I am still putting up a fight.

It was a year filled with a lot more negativity and pain that I've expected, but it wasn't a bad one. I've gained so much in the process, and I have to say that I like the person I am now than I ever was. This is my 2011, and I know now that hearts don't remain broken, at least not for eternity. I know now that I may be flawed but I have my strength to change for the better.

I hope 2012 has better things in store for me. All I really want is for the people who love me, to remain loved and safe. I want to learn more valuable lessons, and meet the right people. I want to love myself instead of only seeing mistakes and incompetency. I want my dreams to come true. I want to know that love and happiness is really able to last a lifetime.

Now you're a song I love to sing, never thought it'd feel so free
Now I know what's meant to be and that's okay with me

Beginnings

2011-12-31T05:46:00.000+08:00

A new year is supposed to mean new beginnings right? I hate that mine started without me feeling terribly carefree and happy, like there’s nothing that can possibly go wrong. I wish that I can erase the thoughts in my head or maybe just stop them from getting to me at times like this.
I always make the mistake of looking back into the past, and it’s not just mine. People like to tell others to live in the present and forget the past because it’s long gone and over. But how often do we find ourselves glancing back because really, it’s a curiosity that cannot be sated. Quite often, we come out from this curiosity hurt and troubled even more than before. I know that sucks but I’d say that sometimes it’s better to know and feel the ache than to just go on hoping that what you believe in is true.
I can’t help but wonder if the decisions that people make right now are merely reflections from the mistakes, the decisions they did not get right in the past. Sometimes I wish that I was in that past, because maybe then I wouldn’t need to keep thinking that much. But that’s impossible right? There is nobody that’s really been there all along. And all this hopeless thinking and wild thoughts can get me nowhere. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe it should stop.

I'm not sure what this is going to be

2011-12-28T03:31:00.001+08:00

I fall into things too hard and too fast, and quite often I only discover this when I have gone past the point of redemption. I realize that sometimes, wanting something and wishing for it hard enough does not mean that it would stay that way, or that things would miraculously work out the way you hope for it too. Sometimes, when you are done with sitting around hopelessly building your alternate endings on luck, wishes and crossed fingers, you do things you would not have and try your best to make things go your way. Despite that, there's never a guarantee that whatever you have resorted to would work its wonders, most of the time it does not.

I know now that there is never really a forever. I am nineteen, not four, and I have grown up to realize that wishing on stars are silly fantasies made up to help put a little hope in the hopeless. But what is the point of doing that when really, all you are doing is to have them strung up higher to be disappointed and hurt more when they really do fall? Our good intentions often have this uncanny twisted ability to come back and slap us in our faces, undoing whatever good we wish we could have done and creating more pain and confusion we wanted to avoid.

I have been through enough to know better. No matter how happy things may be, no matter how your luck seemed to have turned for the better, no matter how many of your silly wishes are finally coming true, things do not last that long because they just can't. What you have to offer may be the very best that you can give, in fact it can be everything that you can possibly give, and sometimes by pure chance it might be enough. Or at least it might be enough for the moment in the entire space of a lifetime. Sometimes what you have to offer lose meaning after awhile, sometimes it loses value or significance because it will gradually grow to become a norm and habit in another's life. And then what?

I grow accustomed to the fact that something better would always show up, something new would shine, something other than what I can give, something other than me. And who would choose me over a better alternative. Who would give up what they want all their life, give up everything they wished for, for a temporary distraction that only fills in the void? Would you give up a chance of touching your dream, making it come true to a reality where things are never quite as good as you want it to be? It's an obvious decision to make, with options that speak so clearly for themselves. Would you give up a pretty diamond for some shiny penny you happen to find while on the way to seeking that diamond? I have accepted that fact that people would always leave for the better. They would not have before because back then, you were the better until another new shiny and more improved better comes along. People leave no matter how they promised not to do so, people seek better happy endings than the one I may have to offer. Sometimes my happy endings are not quite as you want it to be, they are never ever pretty enough.

Is it not fair if I chose my own better alternative before I get chosen over? Is it selfish to pull myself out of this mess of a heart before I get entangled deeper than I already am. Can I stop loving before another stops so that when it really happens, I can tell myself that it was fair and square and hopefully that would help erase the ache that still persists. Can I push myself away and be alone again within my walls before people have the chance to find that one single weakness and crumbling brick and rip me apart? Can I start hurting to stop myself from hurting after? Can I shut off my feelings to save my heart? Is it wrong to choose to be strong and alone over the possibility of being torn apart from the inside? Can I safekeep my feelings elsewhere, lock it and throw away the keys so it remains lost forever, before you have the chance to break my heart apart?

I always seem strong to many, it would not have mattered if I fell. Would you have a happier ending even if it means that I am alone?

Para-para-paradise

2011-12-27T23:00:00.000+08:00

Another photo from Christmas Eve’s dinner :)
My body’s aching all over because I went to the gym yesterday. It’s been ages since I last exercised (fyi, that was the hockey competition period). Went back to school to get my shoes and I nearly couldn’t get in because it was a public holiday but I exchanged my IC and ezlink card with the security guard and promised to run back asap, thank god.

I timed my 2.4km run and finished it within 14 minutes and 7 seconds, but that’s only if I maintain constant running and a few minutes of slow jogging. My doctor told me to excuse myself from my 2.4km and shuttle run because of the dislocated ankle but I really don’t want to. I’m worried sick about my physical fitness test and I know that people say that it’s okay to fail since it doesn’t mean anything for girls. I know it seems silly but it actually means more than just a test I have to take to get my graduation testimonial. It’ll be pretty ironic if a hockey player fails her physical test right. Besides, it’s significant because it would mean that I’m fighting my monsters, dislocated ankle and anemia, and winning. I hate the thought of my physical inabilities robbing me of the chance to be better, and I really want to fight all that bad.

But no matter how I am so determined to do so, I still have to admit defeat, have to admit that the pain is real. It’s no longer imaginary or psychological, like how I would fear my calves muscles tearing and feeling the pain even when it was no longer present. I felt my ankle give way and start being wobbly barely 1km on the treadmill, which is easy as compared to real outdoor conditions. I was fighting and focusing harder to keep my balance than to pace myself while running. After the 3.3km run yesterday, my ankle was hurting so bad I couldn’t even stand for long while showering in the toilet. Every step, or everytime that I lean my weight towards my left, I fear that my bones would just shift and dislocate all over again. The aching abs and arms from the planks and core exercises didn’t help either. I hate that so much, I feel so weak and helpless. I don’t know if I should listen to my doctor, or to screw it and run because I want so badly to prove myself wrong.

Lunch with Deon and Kenny cheered me up quite a bit though. Original plan was to go home and meet later to watch Liverpool’s match at Ming’s, but they were called down for some last minute street soccer at Simei and I went along to watch. It was pretty exciting and funny because of some disputes. Deon drove us to Ming’s after and I was so knackered that I fell asleep halfway and only woke up an hour later. They took a photo of me while I’m sleeping and tried posting it online, and apparently even then I didn’t wake up when the camera’s flash went off directly in my face.

Simpang for supper after that before we all went back home and knocked out. I woke up feeling like an old lady because of the creaky bones, plus I couldn’t even sit up at all HAD TO ROLL WHAT A JOKE. Hey, but all that’s okay because I weighed myself and I’m so much lighter than I expected hehehehe :B I WANT TO BE SKINNY, I DON’T WANT TO BE A FATASS!

A very wolfish Christmas

2011-12-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

Met the wolfpack repeatedly even after our trip, it’s kind of funny now if you think about it. Had the legendary banmian on Friday before we walked about lepaking and reminiscing the bangkok times. It seems ridiculous, especially since “Bangkok times” was just a day before but hey, we really missed it like crazy. Buy things really feel like bargaining, the trait is in us already!
Went to popular and NTUC, and then we decided we were hungry again. This was barely three hours after dinner. Walked to Deon’s to get his car before we drove to Kembangan for meesua and beancurd. It was a good night ^^

On Christmas Eve, finally met up with Yongxiang for Sherlock Holmes at Tampines. It’s amazing that we got tickets because people were raving about the show. I nearly fell asleep though because there were a few parts when the dialogue got pretty boring. Too used to the bkk ways of sleeping everywhere hahahahaha! Anyway, the movie was good and they had cute animals (THE PITBULL AND THE PONY OH MY GODZ DROOLS), plus points.

Went back home to get Tzuming’s things he left in my luggage before going over to his house for Christmas eve dinner! Only Darren was around though, Kenny came later because of his flight but hey at least we all made it. The food was great as usual, the company even better :) Can never get tired of the cosiness over there.

Our last comrade Deon came over with his car hahahahaha, best thing ever because I feel like we can travel the world with it. Reached Katong for karaoke at midnight (HAHAHAHAHA KATONG FOR KAROKE, quite funny). Yet another long awaited event because the previous time we tried, the place was fully booked. Had our own concert in the tiny room, complete with dancers, backup singers and lead vocalists. Best times hehehehehe. Went for meesua again after that before I reached home and knocked out.

I had a simple Christmas this year, didn’t even bother to go to Orchard Road to see the pretty lights. I love the Christmas decorations, in fact it’s one of the things I look forward to most each year. Kinda silly to be so crazy over tiny bulbs you manipulate with a switch but heck, it’s just my silly little indulgence. PRETTY LIGHTS <3

Had dinner with my beautiful family at bedok round corner or whatever they call it. It was simple, not artsy fartsy high-class dining, but sometimes it’s the people around that really matter isn’t it? I can be seated on the floor with a bunch of people I love all around me and I’ll be satisfied. Of course, throw in some xiaolongbaos and I’ll be hopelessly indebted to you, but that’s just a bonus. It’s like getting all As, except for a single distinction, but that doesn’t really make a difference right. I love the people who love me and every single day I’m so thankful to have them all around.

One of my greatest flaw is my stubbornness. But sometimes, it’s also the flaw I take the most pride in because it has its good and bad. I know that once I’ve got my heart set on something, I’ll carry it through until the end. And once I love someone or something, I’ll fight even when it hurts until it gets too tiring to carry on doing so anymore. I’m grateful for the people who look past the bad and love me for who I am inside, no matter how little good I have. No matter how badly damaged I may be, no matter how my insecurities may eat at you or me, no matter how I may accidentally hurt others in my own path to self-destruction. There are times I seem porcelain perfect and alright on the exterior, but thank you all for seeing past my defences and holding me together because you know I’m falling apart on the inside. This Christmas, I am happy thanks to all the people who kept me this way the entire year xxxx

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there's just one thing I need
Santa Claus won't make me happy with a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know
Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you

Hab Wolfpack in Bangkok, flix plice

2011-12-23T23:23:00.000+08:00

HAI THERE, Merry Christmas! I had an awesome Christmas Eve, but more on that later. I’m stuck at home right now on Christmas though, can’t really find anything to do in Singapore anymore :( I’ll take the time to blog about my 5 days trip in Bangkok instead!

There was alot of panic and imagination going wild before the trip because of the bomb threats (and actual bombs found and defused) two days prior to our departure. Luckily, I didn’t let my thoughts get the better of me so from the 18th to 22nd, I finally got my long awaited trip to Bangkok with the Wolfpack. Wolfpack aka Darren, Deon, Kenny and Tzuming, by the way going with them was the best decision ever because they made everything x1928927397439473 times funnier and better. I have no idea how the wolfpack thing came about but I suppose it has something to do with the birthday card Tzuming received.

Mama sent all five of us to the airport where we had macs before joining the ridiculously long queue for check-in. Darren and Kenny were wearing similar shirts which is pretty inappropriate given the fact that we’re about to step into a land filled with bapoks and guys who like guys (no discrimination intended). Darren’s teacher-look and gentle ways during the entire trip did not help at all either hahahahahahahahaha, quite amusing.
Pictures we took upon getting into the transit area. Pretty excited!

ON THE PLANEEEEEEEEE, psyched. We were pretty lucky to be seated next to each other and I got the window seat hehehehe. I love planes, love love love love love love absolutely love. Deon made friends with the stranger next to him :d

By some sort of magical ability to twist my body into awkward positions that fit into a small airplane seat, I feel asleep. Like seriously knock out all the way till we landed, and bam we’re in SuvernaBHUMi airport.

Darren’s dad has an apartment in BKK since he goes there regularly for business trips. Uncle was also there to pick us up at the airport before bringing us back to his apartment to put our things down. The apartment’s where we stayed in for the entire trip, so thankful for that because it was really convenient and helped us to save on lodging. It was pretty squeezy though but we went grocery shopping and bought an extra mattress to sleep on + cleaning supplies.

Ming and I got there first because we shared the cab with uncle and we didn’t get lost, unlike the rest hehehehehe. GOT CONNED WITHIN THE FIRST FEW HOURS OF THE TRIP. Notice that Darren and his dad has the same way of walking, quite cool. DAMN THANKFUL THAT WE HAD THEM AROUND OR BANGKOK WOULD’VE HAD US.

Had lunch at the nearby foodcourt and I had really bad gastric, reason unknown but it probably has to do with eating at 3pm. We went hotel-shopping after that because we thought the apartment didn’t have enough space. I was dying from the pain, say real. After about three hotels, we decided to screw it and squeeze into the apartment instead.

The Link2 apartment was on Sukhumvit Road which was in On Nut, pretty far from all the shopping places but it was okay because travelling proved to be quite a fun experience for us. We had a Tesco Lotus near us, kind of like an NTUC but a ridiculously cheap one. Grocery shopping has never been that fun because we screwed the whole maintaining image thing (never mind ah, never going to see all these people anymore) and played with trolleys. Funny story: Darren and his dad went to find mattresses, Ming went to find soap, we went off and he couldn’t find us so we started finding him. Kenny walked off to find him and Kenny got lost, so Deon plus me in the trolley decided that we’re the last few surviving so we had to stick together. Kenny came back after a few minutes, then Ming showed up looking super relieved. “Walao I cannot find you all and I have no money no phone, never felt that lost in my life. I thought I can never see you guys again.”, got the group hug feel. I want to laugh when I think about it now, too funny!!!!! We stuck together and tried to find Darren and his dad, nonstop reminding each other “EH COME BACK DON’T WALK OFF ALONE LATER LOST”. They showed up fifteen minutes later with groceries in hand, likeaboss. Scenario = win. Uncle introduced us to the train system in BKK, and we got this awesome cheatsheet, then class was released for us to go shopping by ourselves! CHATU-FREAKING-CHAK \m/ ^^

Shop like never give chance but I couldn’t find anything whereas the guys were really on a roll slippers, shirts, pants nonstop. UNTIL like the last half an hour when we were leaving the market, we saw the girl-heaven part. ALL THE THINGS I WANT WERE ALL THERE, but we were leaving and I couldn’t get anything so it was pretty sad.

Motorcycles were pretty much the best form of transport for us, cheap 10baht thrill. We went to meet uncle before he brought us out for dinner at this pub/restaurant specially chosen because they all wanted to watch the Arsenal v Mancity game.

We watched another game before the Arsenal one at 1am and I was pretty knocked out from one cup of beer and it was freezing in the restaurant so all of us headed out for a breather and I fell asleep HAHAHAHAHAHAHA xiaopang win. We went back to watch football after awhile and BAMMMM, the place transformed because it was buzzing with people (who are not watching football at all so it was vaire vaire tres annoying). Turns out that the live performances there were a favorite amongst the locals, there was also this bapok comedian who performed weird songs dressed in only his tighty-whities (I think he shoved sponge infront so his crotch area was really obscene). It was funny, until this group of people decided to sit themselves at the table infront of the screen and block the view. Plus they kept standing up and (stupid stupid stupid until quite funny) dancing, especially at the important parts where we’re at the edge of our seats and then this fatty decided to wiggle his junk at us. Yuck. It was a good game though, or whatever that I can see while dodging the people blocking my view.

We went back home to clean up the entire place and slept really late that night. Darren got cold and took out his eskimo outfit, rad.

DAY 2:

Woke up to this, and this also continued for the remaining days. Either that or they’ll be trying out massaging techniques, or wrestling hahahaha. Wrestling as in the pin your friend down in painful positions until they smack the bed and countdown from ten seconds kind of thing, being with them is pure entertainment like watching tv but live! We went swimming! Bangkok’s air is really dry as compared to Singapore so even though the sun was blazing hot, we get the chills! Our apartment’s pool was in the shade because the building blocked the sun so the water was freezing. We spent half an hour trying to get everyone else to jump into the icy waters, but apeman had a brilliant idea, which was to monkey and climb into the Link3’s pool which wasn’t in the shade. He succeeded and remained dry all the way until he climbed into Link3, hurray. So anyway, we did that too, daredevils living on the edge aren’t we.

We didn’t swim at all in the end hahahahaha, did jumping jacks to stay alive and it really felt like titanic true story.

Sigh, boys watching soccer.

Lunch (and awesome delish fruit juice) before taking the train down to Chit Lom for Platinum Mall!

The guys went to make their suits and left me at Platinum to my own devices for two hours. I thought I’d be in shopping heaven, but not really because the things there weren’t really my taste. It’s all lacey, flowery, fluffy and… Yea.

THEY CAME BACK FOR ME! Surprisingly I did more shopping with them than alone. But maybe that’s because I wasn’t stuck on the first floor walking about in circles because I’m a direction idiot.

HarryPotter-ing with Rudolph > MacDonald dinner with Ronald’s sawadeeka gesture > Taking advantage of Christmas decorations for camwhoring, yes the boys were totally riding that sleigh. Plastic bags in my hands are not all my shopping, I was like a part-time maid but only difference is that I volunteered for the job hahahahhahaha helpful and nice.

That’s how we roll, proud of our new tees. Kenny accidentally photobombed the three of us blind mice when he ran out from the freezing cold shower. We went to club at Shock39 after that! I was so so so excited because it was my first time clubbing ever and I was prepared to shuffle hahahahahahaha for real.

Weirdly interesting night as it turns out. We got rejected by two cabs because they no speak english, and we finally got one who thought he knows where we wanted to go. Brought us to Hollywood Bangkok which is some stripper place but luckily the bouncers directed him to the correct place. In one sentence, which is truly amazing because Ming even tried sign language and failed hahahahahaha.

We were all prepared to dance and imitate the guy we were observing while he ruined our soccer night the day before. Serious observe, I took mental notes on each hip sway or thrust quite funny. Got an entire bottle of cranberry vodka and some pepsi (all finished by the four of them, I barely drank). And they partied, and partied so hard I was proud of them *chest pump*. Darren was the champ of course, he never left the dancefloor and he get hit on when he went to the toilet. The rest pretty much stayed by my side the whole night, or jiggled/shuffled/danced next to our table. So nice of them, I felt like a real mama hahahahaha. Despite that, someone touched my ass which resulted in me gluing my butt to a chair or wall for the remaining time. Deon spent about 20 minutes walking to and fro, asking me if I remember where we stayed in case they all got drunk, quite funny but that’s his usual drunk self.

Darren the teacher whatsapped me a map, which was not really helpful because I forgot to download it hahahaha. I had to make my way back to the apartment with two drunk boys and it was quite funny. Darren puked out of the cab’s window which pissed the driver off but honestly, I’m sure the vomit cleaned the dust off instead but yea we had to pay extra. Best part was walking back home with them. Deon puked in the middle of the road while we were crossing, so we ran across the remaining part of the road while Darren and the rest stayed at the intersection hahahaha. THEN Darren started vomiting so I ran back with tissue, while Deon stripped on the other end. Hilarious shit, I cannot tahan when I visualize now. Remainder journey while walking, we had to half-drag Darren and convince Deon to keep his shirt on.

Random story: Tzuming underpacked for the trip, he only had an extra set of clothes so he needed pajamas that Darren offered to lend him. Pajamas aka a yellow shirt. On the third morning after Darren woke up from his drunken stupor after the previous night's clubbing,
D: Ming.
T: Ya?
D: Why you wearing my blue shirt.
T: *cheeky ape smile* Hahahahaha, I came back and I couldn't find the shirt. Try talking to you also no use so just take a new one
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA must be there to find it funny, Darren was seriously speechless. We found the shirt on a chair under Tzuming's bag on the last day. End of random story.

DAY 3:

Brunch at this roadside stall which was good stuff. The food there is really good, and if anyone ever goes to Sukhumvit road and sees this little Coffee Huk place tucked away in a corner, do try it! It has the best coffee I ever tasted the entire trip, don’t be deceived by the bad name. The uncle is really nice too, he talked to me while making coffee and even brought our drinks over to the table we were seated at even though he didn’t need to. I like nice kind thai people hehehehe :>

Platinum again, but this time I made my way there alone because the tuktuk was really small and the guys needed to get their suits. It was fun though because I felt fearless and really tourist-like (Okay I know technically I am a tourist but I like to pretend I’m a backpacker so whoever laughed at me that day, stop laughing). I think it’s weird that I like being alone :B

Meet up with them again after awhile, then we tuktuk-ed to the National Stadium so that they can get their soccer jerseys. We even stayed for abit to watch some local school’s soccer match, quite good actually. Absolutely miss the street food there :(

Darren the teacher ate some creepycrawlies, om nom nom yum yum.

MBK bored the heck out of us all because there’s nothing at all! We tuktuk-ed to Nana which is the wrong place once again because it was filled with people trying to pull us into watching their ThaiGirl shows. Interesting things once again, it was really the place made to scam gullible tourists. They sold slippers at 450 when we originally got them at 120 at some other place. MUST BARGAIN IF YOU EVER GO THERE.

Back to On Nut, where we waited for them to dropped the things at the apartment before exploring the night bazaar nearby. Deon discovered something, “EH WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LEG, I’M LIKE FREAKING FRODO LEH.”

DAY 4:

Boys in their relax pants got breakfast back, it was a feast. STREET FOOD <3 I hate that Singapore doesn’t have that. Once again, we platinum-ed and the guys finally collected their suits! We headed to Sala Deang after that because we thought there was a nightmarket there. Had dinner at this a random expensive restaurant. Once again, we made the wrong choice because the street was just about 50 metres away from the shady place we were the previous night. And we only realized this after staring at this familiar KFC. Ended up kind of running away from that place and walking about randomly. We also dropped by random hotels because somebody wanted to take a dump.

Went back to pack our bags and clean the apartment up!

Day 5:

Sigh, once again trying out their massaging techniques! Darren and I headed out in the morning to grab some last minute shopping. Came back, bathed and grabbed some snacks nearby ESPECIALLY DIARY QUEEN before we took a cab to the airport.

Grabbed the best chicken wings ever in the transit area, followed by some mango glutinous rice. I miss the mango glutinous rice so much, constantly having a bad craving for it especially the one we got from streetstalls.

Got back to the lovely land of crazy taxi fares, rude people and pure boredom at around six in the evening. Had dinner at Souperlicious in Terminal 2 for the first time ever and it was gooooooood. I miss hanging out with them 24/7 and listening to their nonstop soccer talk or bickering so much. We have plans for another trip soon, can’t wait hehehe!

Back from Bangkok

2011-12-23T12:50:00.001+08:00

Hi guys, I’m back and very much alive. So thankful for that.

Bangkok with the wolfpack is an experience I would never forget. I’m so happy I didn’t chicken out on the trip because we had so much fun. Cheap motor rides, tuktuks, nightlife, street food. I can totally get used to living there, plus they always make things alot more fun with the silliness and laughter.

I’ll do a proper post soon! Need to catch up with the things I’m missing out on. Till then, :)

Temasek Polytechnic Aviation Management and Service AGM 2011

2011-12-17T15:58:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was the course’s Annual General Meeting to announce the new committee for Blackbox. It turned out to be alot more fun than I expected. The video presentation was downright hilarious, I laughed until my stomach hurt really bad. There was also Pastamania buffet after the entire event which was great because it’s been pretty long since I attended such things. Oh and of course, I got to see some alumnis again and honestly, they made the entire thing a success because of their little dancing skit. Brings me back to the times in Year1! :)

Pictures!

My brand new crochet back dress which is so gorgeous, I still can’t get over it!

Gary commented that I lost too much weight that I was too skinny and boney! Hehehe but that’s good right?

CAN’T WAIT FOR BANGKOK TOMORROW! :D

Forget your scars, we’ll forget mine

2011-12-16T02:54:00.001+08:00

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

My holidays are packed like crazy and I should be feeling vexed right? But I’ve never felt so damn good in such a long time because now it’s like I’m making better use of my time. AMS AGM/Reception tomorrow, and I’m going overseas on the 18th to 22nd! There’s Crescent Hockey Carnival on the 29th, I’m psyched to be playing outfield again. And somewhere along the way there’s also the hockey bbq and gathering at Jerm’s. I want to make the best out of this short break. Hockey, beach volleyball, tanning, whatever, going to try and complete the things I want for so long :)

I had some thoughts on some issues I’ve been trying to figure out for quite some time now. The thought of going somewhere else to start anew is so tempting, it’s like dangling candy infront of a child. Furthermore, if you add on everything that has happened, the idea of a getaway seems perfect. Sometimes, the easiest solution doesn’t require much and sometimes the easiest solution may very well mean running away from things. But not all things are bad though. There’s a million things that no matter how hard you shake, you can’t bear to walk away from because you know deep inside that this could very well be one of the best things in your life, and walking away right then wouldn’t guarantee anything but broken hearts, disappointment, and throwing all that good away. Good things like friends and family who love you endlessly and read your mind like an open book. You have to weigh the costs of trading all that away for something that you want all your life, something you need to become who you really want to be. To start all over again and be a whole new different person, cut off the path you’re already taking and start drawing a perfect one… It all comes back to a perfect circle. I know that if I was given a choice, if I had the ability to, I’ll go for what my heart really wants and what I’ve been working towards all my life. But at the same time, every single night, I will squeeze my eyes shut tightly, cross my fingers and hope and pray that people would wait.

Saying goodbye to my last term test!

2011-12-16T02:44:00.001+08:00

Hello peepok. It seems like years since I last updated this space. I’ve been busy with assignment submissions and last minute revision for the midsems. This semester’s one is extremely tedious because there’s a never-ending flow of work. Major Project submission > Major Project Report submission > Assignments submission > Quizzes > Term tests. It was crazy and it’s sort of a miracle how I’m even able to sit here and type the above paragraph out. I was expecting myself to be buried six feet under the dirt or probably held back by restraints and straitjackets in a mental hospital by now. Not very good at dealing with stress, am I?

Now that the stupid tests (that got me cursing and swearing at random bits and pieces of paper at night) are over, I can finally catch a breather. I don’t remember much from the past week actually, my brain was functioning on energy-saving mode the whole time so that I can make full use of it to memorize ridiculously long formulas that I probably will NEVER EVER get to use again in my life. But that is what studying is about right?! Learn a huge amount of things you can never find a need for, then end up regretting your decisions for the rest of your life. This is why I choose to play my schooldays away and torture my brain for about two weeks. Nice strategy *claps*

Studying with Don at Leisure Park on Saturday. We ended up talking endlessly instead hahaha.

Studying with Masri and Daniel on Sunday in school, super ineffective because we spent ages trying to look for comfortable and windy seats in school. You can never imagine how crowded the school actually is on a weekend. Not a single empty seat, no kidding. It was also the day my emotions went on a rollercoaster because of some unfortunate incident that left me close to tears and on the edge of my seat the entire day.

I even tried to study at home and ended up wasting two complete days away. I’m a terrible terrible person with a complete lack of self control, sigh. But heck yes, I have cute toenails so it’s a-okay.

Couple of things I do when I’m really bored.

Meatballs and dinner with classmates Persis, Don, Alvan and Colin on Wednesday after our hardcore FMF studygroup session. It wasn’t that hardcore actually because we were all stuck on the same question and topic for hours. I think all of us were really close to breaking down because we had over 20 different formulas to memorize by heart and we weren’t even close! The car ride and awesome dinner made up for the stress we caused our brains, honest. I’ve never been a huge fan of sweet things but I really desperately needed that chocolate mousse to cheer me up! >:)

Silly photos from today’s little alone time. I’m so addicted to instagram now because it’s like a little photo album I bring around to help me remember by days!
I had lunch with a huge group of people today at Pastamania (Weihao, Don, Nick, Ben, Nicholas, Yono, Daniel, Timothy) after our last paper. Then I had my Me Time for chillax and finally loosen up for abit. Caught Mission Impossible too, great movie though it’s pretty draggy and my bladder was dying from the suddenly huge amount of pee it had to hold HAHAHAHAHAHA. I hate leaving the movie halfway because it’s scary to walk down the badly-lit steps in the theatre.

Recently, I’ve once again picked up my habit of collecting notebooks and writing my favorite quotes/ feelings/ words in them again. I love writing so much, I can’t begin explaining why. It’s not just writing, penmanship too! Growing up to be an author has always been such a near and realistic ambition since I was in secondary (or maybe primary) school. I kind of gave up on that dream when I realized how hard it is to complete an essay of over ten pages, a book would definitely be worse. Not to forget, there are times when you want to pour your feelings out on paper, but halfway through you can’t find the right words to express your exact emotions and somehow you just get stuck. Besides, half the things I write/ blog / think about it complete nonsense and no one would even bother reading it. I guess I’ll have to stick to my little stupid notebooks then, no matter how ridiculous my collection of notebooks is getting :B

Awake and unafraid

2011-12-07T02:11:00.001+08:00

Someone told me recently that she found me a better and happier person than I’ve ever been before. I have never paid close attention to how things have become, how much changes has taken place in my life right now. But after that statement, I had a little bit of a reflection and I realized many things I previously didn’t.
I’ve got to admit that the past three months or so hasn’t been smooth-sailing. It wasn’t easy to come out of a two year relationship, start afresh and expect things to go your way. In fact, easy was the last thing that came to mind. There were days I fought back tears during my internship because my emotions got the better of me. There were days I dragged myself out of bed and remind myself that today can only be better, but it hardly ever turns out so because every little memory, a glimpse of something familiar, certain sights and sounds would open the floodgates once more. I didn’t expect it to be easy but I never expected myself to make it even harder than it already was. I’m thankful that I chose to spend my time on other things that kept me busy; hockey, school, internship and friends. Most of all, I’m appreciative of the friends who stuck by my side. They didn’t have to listen to me whine or complain or sob another heartbreaking story, but simply by being among them with nothing constantly bugging me, I felt better.

Dealing with judgemental people is another entirely annoying issue. I don’t like how people assume that I’m doing okay, that I’m someone who’s capable of breaking people’s hearts and moving on like it didn’t matter. It did, and there was so many times that I thought of giving things a second chance. But I’m always reminded that there’s already been so many chances taken and lost, one more couldn’t have made a difference. Very often, people make decisions, say things, or take action on things that they could’ve spared another moment to think over. But that never happens and all those little issues come together to make a big one, and by then, things are already past the point of redemption. There’s so many things that goes on beneath the surface, that people have no clue about, but instead they choose to ignore that and pin their disappointment or anger on me because I finally have something worth being happy about.
The relationship has never been a romantic, head over heels, fairytale-ish one. It may seem that way at the very beginning, or so I thought. I know that it’s normal that every relationship would come to a point where people take each other for granted. Where little habits you used to think was adorable started being annoying. But what matters most is that there’s effort and fighting involved to keep the entire thing together. Doesn’t matter if you’ve hit a rough patch, what matters is that there’s someone frantically gluing and stitching the seams together to make everything okay again. For me, it got tiring when suddenly I realize that I’m the one who’s always chasing after things that didn’t want me to follow. Always trying my best to meet expectations that can never be met. You wish that you can work things out, but you know that it would never be the same as it was because now you’ve seen the ugly side of things you wish you never knew. The constant anger and disappointment you feel and the negativity you place upon yourself everyday because you tell yourself repeatedly that you’re never good enough, it changes me into someone bitter and depressing.

All that aside, I wouldn’t say that it wasn’t worth the effort. There was a share of happy memories and happy times when I thought that nothing would ever get me down. But times like that hardly ever last, and at the end of the day, you realize that maybe what you can give is never enough for another. And maybe sometimes, the only thing is to stop the hate from getting at you, to change what was happy into something that’s completely insufferable. Sometimes, all that’s left to do is to let go because what you want, and what he want is two completely different things. Staying behind would only make you realize how much of a mistake it has been from the start.

I’ve became someone that’s better, hopefully, than I was before. But at the same time, there’s a million things I wish I could’ve done different, a million things I wish that I’ve never changed. I hate how this has turned me into someone who’s paranoid and insecure. I miss how sure I was of myself, confident that wherever life may lead me, I’ll still be two steps ahead. I miss how I used to be nonchalant and uncaring, laughing over the slightest of things, allowing rolls of dices to determine what I want, instead of being so anal about every single thing now. I miss how I used to live in my own world and do whatever I want to, without a single care about the consequences.

I don’t know where I would go from here. I don’t know how it’ll be like, to step into the same old territories which is familiar and different at the same time. It can be exasperating after all that time of having someone around regardless of any condition, and being reduced to being alone all the time. It was hard getting used to that the most, but now I realize that there are times I’m comfortable with silences, comfortable with my own thoughts and nothing else. I feel like I’ve changed, but at the same time, I’m still the same. I like how I’m able to do any single thing I want without offering an explanation. How I can cut my hair, shave it off, color it any way that I want. I like how it feels, not caring about what others think because I feel like it. I’ve never liked the feeling of being scrutinized or watched.

This new chapter that I’m stepping into on my own, I’ve been enjoying it every step of the way. The pressure of schoolwork smothers me now, but I know there’s better things in store and we will always reap what we sow. It would’ve killed me if, one year ago, I’d known that I’ll be all alone on my own. But now that I’ve been through it, I know I’m stronger, I’m capable of fighting my own battles and finding myself again. I’m fat, I have chubby cheeks, I don’t have long slim legs or the perfect body of people I wish to be. I blurt out the most ridiculous of things at the wrong time, I get a little annoying on certain days. I’m not brave, I hesitate alot and I’m shy like hell even though I pretend not to be. I’m nowhere near pretty or beautiful. But what matters most is that I know where I am now, and who I want to be.

Here’s to happier days :]

Dear you.

2011-12-07T02:10:00.001+08:00

Dear you,

One day we’ll meet, but where I’m not sure myself. But what I do know is that one day we will meet, maybe not under the same circumstance we’ve spent all our lives imagining, maybe not like how we’ve always thought and planned it would be. It could be a street market, it could be a crowded restaurant, it could be somewhere in the middle of nowhere. But whatever that is, and whatever may happen, I know we will. I know you will see me, and you would fall irrevocably and uncontrollably in love with me, and my existence.

You’ll love the way I say good morning, the way I rub the sleep out of my eyes furiously. The way my laughter can get uncontrollable and hysterical, maybe even embarrassing. My preternatural love for the color orange and all things fat and cuddly (cats, babies, santa clauses). My secret sketchbooks and notebooks collection which I don’t even use. My weird way of eating. My daily necessary intake of milk and calcium, and my obsession with my straight teeth. How I love writing, be it lyrics, quotes or excerpts from a book. How I brush my hair back with my fingers, only to have to flopping all over messily again. My terribly not-very-pretty button nose. My naivety to be used by people, coming back home to whine to you and seek comfort almost every single day. Constant worrying over my stupid and dangerous trust in people I hardly know. My eerily double-jointed fingers and feet that have the ability to act like hands. My lack of knees. My ability to get sunburnt even from a five minute walk to the bus stop. My spontaneous outburst of energy to write stories or long blog posts. My annoying little handmade cards over the most trivial of matters. The insomniac nights I have, and late night texts at 3am to ask you something random when I can’t fall asleep. My need for you to cuddle me to sleep when I feel so worn out I could die. My extreme curiosity that sometimes may leave you wanting to tie me up so I would stay out of trouble. The way I sleep like a caterpillar, all wrapped up in my cocoon of blankets except for my right foot that hangs out on the left side of my bed. My messy but familiar room. Me being a pain in the ass sometimes when I get really annoying. That single wall in my bedroom that gets so out of control. Times when I can be very quiet, and noisy the next minute. My uncontrollable desire to bite my bottom lip. Extremely long (sometimes way too long) hugs. Sketchbooks filled with doodles and words that makes no sense. Constant replaying of youtube videos that shows babies laughing or animals and their silly stunts. Me stepping on your feet. How annoying I can be when I hug you from behind with my arms wrapped around your tummy, acting like I’m glued to your back so you can hardly walk properly. My sudden outbursts of random facts. Obsessions with Harry Potter. Hearing me sing you ‘soft kitty’ to sleep even when you are sleeping. Hearing me sing all the time. My low self esteem issues that need your assurance.

You’ll love every bit of me, the good the bad. The things that may leave you smiling to the deepest remnants of your soul, or leave you exasperated beyond belief the next. But it will all be okay because we’re in love. Silly people so madly in love. We’ll act like kids and spend rainy Sundays cuddled up indoors watching silly shows and eating ice-cream straight from the tub. We’ll love and see only each other, possess only each other in this big crazy world filled with endless possibilities, love, trust and.. Us. We’ll leave traces of our beings all over the world, travel until we find a place we really belong. We’ll have happiness we’ve always dreamt of. Warm blankets and strong endearing hugs you can never get enough of. Delicious food awaiting you when you get home, and a house filled with all the joy and laughter in the world. You’ll feel like it’s your dream come true because we’re both in it together. And that’s all that it can ever be, and that’s all we will remember when we die and meet again elsewhere. We will keep loving, with all our hearts. We will love, with all we’re capable of. We will leave with memories that stays etched within every inch of your memories, your brain and your heart. And no one can ever take our love from us, just because.

I’ll love you, until the end of time. But until then, I hope to meet you soon.

Love,
Sengie xxxx

Bobochacha

2011-12-03T17:11:00.001+08:00

It was a busy weekend last week because of birthdays! Tzuming’s birthday celebration and dinner on Sunday at his house with Kenny, Deon and Darren. The boys introduced me to their version of monopoly, where they add random rules just to get the game going. I was fined constantly because a) I insulted the game, b) I insulted the gamemaster aka Darren. By the end of everything, I was the politest person ever or I would’ve been bankrupt within five minutes flat. Dinner was awesome, we laughed like crazy and apparently I found my calling to be a master prawn peeler. Not everyone can peel prawns like that, say real until the tail also got meat to eat. It was for ten minutes though because I spilled prawn + shells all over my dress after, but they had their fill of making use of my “talent”. We watched Man City and Liverpool’s match after, but I fell asleep halfway.

Ikea for dinner on Monday before going to watch You Are The Apple Of My Eye! I’ve never been a huge fan of chinese movies because I have to concentrate on the subtitles like crazy, but really it’s a must watch! Bloody hilarious, sweet and sad at the same time. The ending was pretty confusing, can’t figure out if that’s the parallel universe thing or the real deal but Deon has an awesome theory about it HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Tuesday evening is the real deal, celebration at Timbre art house for Kenny, Tzuming and Brandon. It was a bigger group (+ Shalo, Vinod, Ginny, Glenn, Brandon, Jerrold) and a hell lot more of fun. I finally got to eat the duck pizza which was fantastic until I ate the pepperoni one, call me boring but I like to stick to the usual pizzahut stuff hehehe :B Drank my erdinger’s foam, got all red and itchy and I gave it to the rest. It’s so embarrassing to transform into a tomato every single time I drink a sip of alcohol, so next time that I do, I’ll bring a bottle of baby powder to maintain my face.

Can’t remember the rest of the night because we were pretty much laughing about everything, and abusing the SMS song dedication thing. Deon was high+gone, I observed that much from the sudden increased usage of vulgarities and crazy laughter. Halfway through he just showed me his phone and asked me what to type to wish Darren a happy birthday, siao one. Okay pictures!

Gone boy and “Happy birthday to my friend Darren, can you please any chinese song you song you know.”

Some pictures while walking back to the train station hahahahaha, it was epic ‘cause they just decided to start these “lion dance wars” in the middle of nowhere. Oh yea I got them wonderful glow-in-the-dark orange shoelaces from Darren! :B

Bye! :) Let’s wait till something interesting happens again. I’ve three assignments and termtests waiting for me! :(

I don’t stop when I’m tired, I stop when I’m done.

2011-12-02T20:14:00.001+08:00

David Goggins sleeps three hours a night. He has a resting heart rate of 32 beats per minute. He wakes up at 3.a.m. and runs 15 to 20 miles. He commutes 25 miles to work by bicycle. He is the only person to complete Navy SEALS “Hell Week” three times. He is the only person to complete Tactical Air Control, SEAL and Army Ranger training. With no special training, David Goggins ran 100 miles in 18 hours. In finishing that race, in 2006, he suffered stress fractures in his feet and shins, urinated blood and lost control of his bowels. David Goggins completed ten 100-mile races in 2007. He finished third at the 2007 Badwater, a 135-mile trek through Death Valley known as “The World’s Toughest Footrace.” He once ran 203.5 miles in 48 hours.

"With the Special Ops Warrior Foundation's help, we put 266 kids through college last year. And that's what keeps me going. I'll be honest, I don't like running. I don't like biking. I don't like swimming. I do it to raise money. But, now that I'm in this sport, I want to see how far I can push myself. What makes me tick is that pain you feel when you do these ultramarathons. I love knowing that everyone's suffering because I know I can suffer just a little bit more. I can take a lot of pain."

Living life with a purpose, I like the idea of that. All this negativity and disappointment, I must not let it get to me anymore. There’s more to life than this, there’s worthier things I’m meant to fight for.

Madonna Mia

2011-11-30T22:58:00.001+08:00

A LILY-GIRL, not made for this world's pain,
With brown, soft hair close braided by her ears,
And longing eyes half veiled by slumberous tears
Like bluest water seen through mists of rain:
Pale cheeks whereon no love hath left its stain,
Red underlip drawn in for fear of love,
And white throat, whiter than the silvered dove,
Through whose wan marble creeps one purple vein.
Yet, though my lips shall praise her without cease,
Even to kiss her feet I am not bold,
Being o'ershadowed by the wings of awe.
Like Dante, when he stood with Beatrice
Beneath the flaming Lion's breast, and saw
The seventh Crystal, and the Stair of Gold.
                                         - Oscar Wilde

I thought it would be okay after all this time that has already gone by. I thought awkwardness and silence on my part was okay, as long as it got me through everything. Well, as long as I remain intact in one piece at the end of the day. I didn’t expect myself to be capable of that single tinge of sadness or hurt from something I’ve already grown accustomed to. It’s just another of those days when my emotions surprise me more than ever.

See, no matter how much I have told myself not to feel, no matter how many times I try to dodge the incoming bullets, they still get me at my weakest. I wish I’m invincible, or better still, that I’ve been invisible all along. What many don’t get is that, I would never have asked for any of this, to feel like I’m flying high before all of that is taken away. That’s how most people’s minds work; To never have own, than to feel the pain of loss.

What’s the use of speaking about my feelings only to have them brushed off as insecurity again and again. Yes, it’s the insecurity that’s eating me up inside. But why? Because I’m afraid of losing everything and letting go. Because I’m fighting like hell to open these doors and keep doing so, but all I ever feel is like there’s no point if no one wants to come in. Why would I ever want to talk again, only to hear people say “It’s nothing, you always think too much.”. Why can’t anyone hear me out, give me the benefit of doubt like how I just listen instead of pushing others problems aside and cutting them off before their story is even done.

I have it easy because I have the right looks, the right grades, the right face, the right hair, the right everything. You can take it, you can have it all. You can take all that away, and then you realize I’m left with nothing. I'm not funny enough, I can never say the right things, I can't offer your comforting words or advice, I can't hug the right away, I can't smile properly, my jokes are never funny, I'm not cute or vulnerable because I'm too fierce, I'm not someone others would stay around to protect, I'm never good at anything, I'm not kind or considerate, I’m a no-good doer, I'm not the gentlest girl around, I'm not made of sunshines sweetness and flowers, I bring a depressing air all around, I'm quiet, I'm selfish stubborn and full of angst, I can’t get anything right, I’m not good at anything, I'm just not. I'm a huge boulder, unmoving and unfeeling, I make people angry upset and frustrated all the time. There’s nothing redeemable about me, and when it comes all the way down to this, you’d realize that there’s nothing much behind me, I’m made of air, negativity, all the bad things in life and emptiness. Here I am, someone irreplaceable, who’d never matter. Take that away.

If there is nothing missing in her life, then why do these tears come at night?

Abandoned

2011-11-27T00:30:00.001+08:00

Talked about our future like we had a clue, never plan that one day I'd be losing you
Never one, we got the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on
Someone said you had your tattoo removed, saw you downtown singing the blues
It's time to face the music, I'm longer your muse
In another life I would be your girl
We’ll keep all our promises, it’ll be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

Everyone is alone. That is what I have learned, in time.

In the end, nothing changes the truth: Others don’t know, in that dark, what I am thinking in my heart of hearts, and I don’t know the same of him. This is the truth. We are all separate islands.
I am okay with that now. There was a time when I fought against the idea, as I guess everyone does. We want to know everything about our partner, share every last detail. We want to read minds and have our mind read. We want to erase all distance between us, become one person.

But we’re not one person. However close we get, some distance will always remain. Love, I’ve come to realize, lies not only in sharing each other but being at peace with those parts that will never be shared.

I want you to know, I am my Hair

2011-11-26T00:12:00.001+08:00

I chopped my long long long locks off for a pixie crop in September. And somehow it just stuck, I love the hair and it felt so good not worrying about drying it and all.

Today, I did this.
Red and golden brown highlights! I was going for purple, green and blue but the salon didn't have it. I came back with this though, and still it made me happy! :)

Hello hair, I see good and happy times ahead. Weird stares, awkward glances, I’m not going to care about any of that. We only get to live once, this is it :) Goodnight!

You can talk all you want but my skin is really thick
I'm the leader of the crowd and my game is really slick
Save your pity for tomorrow when I smash it like a ball
In the club, on the news, I'll be rocking like a rock star
I'm unstoppable, unstoppable, unstoppable, unstoppable