Last year, last exam, freedom!

The very fact that this video is up here on my blog speaks for how much of a cliché this is. I know people would laugh when they see this but I’m a huge fan of HSM. Don’t really like the sudden outbursts into full-scale dancing and singing (Like Troy running in the golf course, what is that?!), but I love the little romantic scenes hehehehehe. I’ll always be a hopeless romantic and sucker for fairytales. I want a tree house, can I have a tree house?

Today was a very very exciting day. Doesn’t sound that way when you read it from my blog, but I’m genuinely excited that Poly life is finally over for me. It’s just the mugging and weird sleeping habits that’s getting to me, but otherwise I feel like a free birdie. So ecstatic at the thought of finally being able to do the million things I’ve always wanted to but never did because of the continuous and never-ending workload that comes with school. BUT ANYWAY, IT IS ALL OVER NOW. Odd though, it doesn’t really seem that way because my classmates and I pretty much just waved each other goodbye. I got a little teary and sniffle-ish when I hugged them, but I fought it all back! Maybe it isn’t much of a dramatic farewell because we’re going to meet up again soon. Saving all the tears, snot and mascara dripping things for the actual Graduation Ceremony. Yes, I would wear makeup (try to because I don’t know how to apply it) just so that I can let it leave obvious tear streaks, now that would be funny.

I’m feeling rather lost now though. Me, being the usual blur girl that I am half the time, missed the application dates for Uni semesters this year. FOOOOOOOOOOOL >:( I have to wait for next year then, and probably work my ass off in the meantime or something like that. I don’t have much to complain about though because this would be the break I’ve always wanted for a long long long time. Plus, working is awesome because you get money and all that would go into my rather loaded savings account for Apocalypse Fund. Surprisingly I’m pretty rich for someone who looks like she shops and spurges on whatever she wants all the time. I do not do that, but somehow I was packing my room today and I found about 20 things I would never need but ended up buying anyway. Mehhhhhh but that’s about a year ago so let’s hope this habit has died, or maybe is buried somewhere really deep and can’t crawl its way back out.
I’m blabbering aren’t I? My brain feels so alive now that it’s no longer weighed down my financial ratios, business continuity methods and working environment strategies :B
I’ll be going away for a bit, in fact just two days but there’s a million things I would talk about, and a million things I would do once I come back! I missed out on quite a bit here; Sleepover, my pretty sweet valentine’s date, and things that’s been keeping me busy all these while!

To-Do List:

• Get my applications done asap
• Keep up with my blogging habits because I really want every part of my life HERE!
• Get a new journal, I’m left with >10pages worth of doodling/drawing/writing
• Practice my guitar (currently stuck at K’s house), and maybe record something?
• Draw, write, eat, love.
• Beach Volleyball
• Suntanning
• Go on one of those little exploring excursions I’ve always wanted
• Meet up with real people instead of textbooks and studying all the time
• Find a job that I’ll really like
• Maybe start learning how to drive (Still scared of cars though)
• Start my healthy lifestyle all over again, I hit 50kg already and I want less!
• Hockey <3

The list shall wait! Adventure starts tomorrow and I need to sleep :) Meanwhile, a couple of pictures so this wouldn’t be so wordy!

I want to be an artist or author. What’s your thoughts on that?

To the end of three years

I have been an extremely busy girl. Ironic thing though, was that despite putting in extra time into studying for this last round of exams, I did not put in the same amount of effort as I previously used to. I remember days I spend the weekends before termtests mugging like a mad woman and surviving on two hours of sleep plus countless cups of coffee. I’m thinking this probably has to do with the mentality that I am already so close to the finishing point, so the urge to fight and keep up with that amount of stress doesn’t really exist anymore.



Oh well, haven’t you heard? I’m down to my last paper already so hooray for me. Lucky for me, TBP and BCM were both manageable, I have my fingers crossed that this semester’s GPA would be 4! Okay maybe after reading the above paragraph, people might think this is pure luck and I don’t deserve such results but I honestly did put in a lot of effort. The only difference is that I procrastinated more often than before so the entire study week has pretty much gone to waste :( I spent each day after my papers studying though, so I’m pretty confident I would be prepared for FMF.


I can’t wait for my last paper to be over and done with. It marks the end of my three years as a polytechnic student, and the beginning of strange unfamiliar journeys into adulthood. Isn’t it strange? To be so thoroughly psyched at the thought of freedom and excitement that awaits you once you escape the cottonwool-ed environment of school, but still remaining that slightest bit afraid at the same time? I honestly have no clue what I’ll be doing a week, a month or even a year after graduation, but I hope that it would be good. I hope that it would make me happy, and I hope that it would bring me closer to new dreams and ambitions. Most of all, I hope the people I love and cherish right now – The friends and team mates I’ve come to know, people who are becoming a habit in my life, people that have slowly grown to be a part of me – Would always stay here by my side with every step I take. I love each and everyone of you, you have no idea how much.

Just some weeks back, I had to complete my values reflection. It came with guidelines and word limits, and I was pretty sure that I wanted to fill in whatever crap my mind could come up with, meet the minimum requirement and submit it. Funny thing was, while scanning through the questions, I actually started pondering back about what I’ve been doing the past three years and how much things has changed since 15th April 2009.
I screwed my results up during the second semester in Year1 and ended up regretting it so much. Wait, I wouldn’t even consider it screwing up because I got 3.31 that semester, which was pretty good compared to other courses but that dragged my cumulative GPA down by quite some bit. Ever since then I’ve been getting B+ or A average but it has never been enough. It taught me so much, that it was so easy to fall but climbing up back to where you’ve been is an entirely different story. Future Sengie Ten Years Down The Road, if you’re reading this like you should be, please don’t ever make decisions you’ll regret. Don’t ever leave space for regrets in your life because it would probably haunt you with could-have-beens every night before you fall asleep.

I also went through this really dark phase in my life when I found out that there was something wrong with my body. Kenny told me today that I’m a really weird girl because I am always tolerant towards others and constantly forgiving people for their mistakes, but there is never a single time that I forgive myself for my own inabilities and failures. He told me I have to be more easy on myself instead of trying to beat my own records and fulfil my  own expectations all the time. It’s silly that I only realize how much of a perfectionist I am today, and how much agony and disappointment  I put myself through because of me wanting to get everything right. That dark phase really got me down in the dumps because it was everything I’ve ever wanted with my whole heart and it was the one thing I know I can never get no matter how I fight and struggle for it. I guess that is just Fate’s own way of telling me that I’m much more stronger than what I seem to be. Her own way of telling me that things would never go as planned but that doesn’t mean that the alternative I would take is a bad one. I’m still striving for my dreams till this day, and I really wish that the amount of faith and hope I’ve put into it would make things work out right.

I have never been good at socializing because I’m so painfully shy when it comes to first impressions and new environments. Bring me along to a party and you’ll see me seated awkwardly at one corner and giving the slightest of smiles every now and then. Lucky for me, that shell sort of cracked and I am much more at ease with who I am right now. I’ve made friends and wonderful team mates who showed me that I may be really silly, and I may blurt out the most ridiculous of things and thoughts, but there are people who would always enjoy my company. Be it three hours straight of lectures, boring tutorials filled with random outbursts of sarcasm or comments that makes the tutor blush/laugh, long four hours breaks spent swimming or at the sports complex picking up new sports, long bus journeys to tournaments, team talks, frolick sessions, I can be myself and my friends would always love that part of me. I’ve been a brother to the guys in my class, a best friend to many, someone to confide in, and someone to fight alongside with. I would never. Ever, regret any of that.

Throughout pretty much all my schooling years, I’ve always blended into the background and remained plain and invisible. There were many people around me who shone brighter and I’ve always admired that because I’ve always assumed that there’s nothing in me, or about me that stands out. I took a leap of faith though, I wanted to be brave. I wanted to do the things I thought of without holding back, without letting people’s perceptions and judgemental stares determine the path I should take. Guess what? I got so much more in return, I don’t even know where to start being appreciative. I may not shine that much, may not be pretty, may not be incredibly talented. I’m no genius, there would never come a day where heads turn when I walk by. But I know that who I am, and who I have been would leave a mark on the people I love. And hopefully too, even though we may not be together for much longer, I hope that spot still shine and fill the people I love with memories and laughter, like what they’ve done for me.

Don’t even get me started on Hockey. The hockey team, and my girls have been more than I can ever ask for. I never expected a bond like what I share with them now when I decided to join the team. Sure, I was five months late and pretty much a stranger as compared to the team that already has been formed. But look where we are now. I guess that is what comes with striving alongside each other for the same thing. People always make comments because once they start asking me about the sport I play, I wouldn’t shut up about it. I would spam them with youtube videos about the skills, or tell them what my experiences were like running up and down the pitch. I’ve gained valuable best friends through the very sport, and that is probably the most surprising and satisfying reward. Words cannot express what it felt like when we proved everyone else wrong. We, the underdogs, fought so much harder than anyone else did and we emerged Silver. It’s a legacy we leave behind, coming from nothing to becoming something. From nothing to a team that opponents deem their equal and struggle to gain the upper hand. From an entire group of out-of-place newbies to bringing home medals every year. I cannot even find the words to say how proud I am of each and everyone of us. I learnt so much about myself. That I can fight and overcome the pain of a dislocated ankle just to be there for my team. That I may get so angry and frustrated till the point of breaking down and crying, but that’s only because I care. That being  taupok-ed and buried alive by a group of sweaty girls after our game against the champions with a close scoreline of 2-1, the game where I surprisingly performed, contributed and did them proud, would feel so good. That a pat on a back from my coach can fill me up with so much pride and achievement, better than whatever distinctions and As I get during exams. And most of all, I would never forget the feeling of hugging my best friends and crying together when we got what we deserved. I love hockey, but I love the people who made me love the sport even more. Three years of injuries, ugly scars, dislocation, nearly torn muscles, and a body that is failing me even quicker than it should be, it is all worth it.

They say it is the experiences that make the journey, the steps along the way, the obstacles you encounter and overcome. It is those things that leaves a mark in your life, those things that you would always remember. I would not dispute that fact, but honestly, I also believe that it is the helping hands that pushed you along the way. The hands that pulled you through your dark days, guide you when you’re lost, and offer you comfort and solace while wiping tears from your face. My classmates, teammates and friends would always remain in this place close to my heart. Three years doesn’t count for much, but three years is all I need to always remember you for what you are and what you have been to me ♥

 

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Last but not least, how can I ever forget, this beautiful boy who makes every single day that much more wonderful and happy than it can possibly get. The past few days have pretty much been boring, but that’s how we like it and that’s how we roll. We do boring things like spend money on endless movies and popcorns just because we like it and it’s each others company that matters anyway. We’ve been studying nonstop and eating excessive fastfood just to guarantee us our seats in MacDonald’s, and even though that’s the lamest date you can ever think of, we still managed to have fun :)


I would never expect to find something like this only when we’re coming to the end of our journey, but it’s a pleasant and lovely surprise nonetheless. You’re lovely, someone who came from a best friend to this much more. I hope my presence in your life really did pull up your grades or I’d be really sad. Thank you for the little notes you leave for me to find, the way you pay attention to detail, the hours we used to webcam in the past because we’re too busy with projects and the late night phone calls that rob you of your precious sleep. Most of all, thank you for how understanding and tolerant you’ve been when it comes to my plans for the future. I would type about a five thousand word essay more but you’re forcing me to study right now hehehehe.

I never knew perfection till I heard you speak

Now it kills me just to hear you say the simple things

Now waking up is hard to do, sleeping is impossible too

And everything is reminding me of you, what can I do?

A fool to let you slip away, I'll chase you just to hear you say

You're scared enough, you think that I'm insane

I see you, you look so nice from here

Pity, I can't see it clearly

While you're standing there, it disappears

It's not right, not okay

Say the words that you're saying

Maybe we're better off this way

I'm not fine, I'm in pain

It's harder everyday

Maybe we're better off this way

I'll be under the impression I'm somewhere in between

Everyone have dreams, they spend their entire lives trying to sought them out and find the road that leads them there. I have never been able to get close enough to mine. Every single time, they proved too hard to achieve, something gets in the way, health problems, life played me out. Whatever there could be, I have been there. I find hope from even the littlest good things in my life and tell myself that it can only get better. But repeatedly, I was proved wrong. Just because you have had your share of obstacles and difficulties at one point of time doesn't mean that life would be easier from that point onwards. Contrary to what we would like to believe, hardship doesn't come in fixed amounts, and more importantly, it isn't deserving. Just because you've done good all your life, just because you had it harder than most people, it doesn't reduce the "debt" we have. It doesn't make what is remaining of your journey any easier. That is the toughest part; Getting up from the hardest of blows, settling for second best and building your dreams from scratch again. 

Through all my falls, through the climbs to get me back to where I was, through the many times I have came close to just resigning to fate, I have never been this close to achieving my dreams like this time. It seems so real and so near, I know if there is a map with all our dreams in fine blueprint, I would be able to see mine. I could use my finger to trace the fine lines and linger on the pages because I know dreams are fragile, they could break. Best to indulge in the moment because anything can go wrong the next. I have never been this close. It's like I have been struggling so hard to get back on the path I have strayed from, one that would eventually lead me to my white picket fences and a garden that rolls out to meadows. Then suddenly, I have to give up on this dream again. 

I suppose it's odd to feel relief despite the disappointment that comes from knowing here I am once again, stuck. Relieved from not having to take on more things on life that I'm uncertain of. Relieved from not needing to continue without a single clue about what awaits me at the next step. Relieved from questions that remain unanswered, promising nothing but leaving you anticipating and excited all the same. At the same time, I cannot help but wonder what could have been. What would happen if for once my dreams, this dream took flight? 

The only way I know how to feel

There’s always a point of time where you question whether it is worth it after you have given up on many things. Problem is, why doesn’t these moments strike before you fall deeper, at least the regrets wouldn’t be that great. Problem is, why do things fall apart and crack to show the ugly truth. Problem is, why does everything have to stop being perfect. Sometimes I wish I can be permanently stuck in a self-delusional world of my own than to let my feelings and thoughts fall victim to others. Is it selfish to lie to myself and keep my thoughts for my own so that they wouldn’t be vulnerable, so that they wouldn’t turn out to be my weakness? I hope one day I wouldn’t have to look back at this moment in time and loathe the decisions I make, that I wouldn’t find that this would turn out to be yet another great mistake. Or maybe it’s time I put my own desires first, stop planning my life after others because one thing for sure is that ten years later, I’d still be here. And ten years later, maybe they wouldn’t be or they wouldn’t turn out to be who I thought they were.
Sometimes, the only things we have to offer are words. You don’t need fancy poetry, or a wide vocabulary akin to a thesaurus, and people would already fall for what you say. The bottom-line is trust because if I trusted you and you told me to jump the cliff because I can fly, I would just because I believed. That’s the kind of power people can hold with their words, and I really wish they comprehend their ability to make or break a person with them. With words, you give people the strength and faith to wage wars against their personal demons. You give them the drive to change into a completely different person because they thought you cared. Does anyone realize how they are capable of making people make serious life-changing decisions just because of a simple sentence with impacts that they aren’t even aware of? You can build imaginary could-have-beens and happy endings that silly people eventually fall and fight so hard for. If people even knew, they’d be careful with the things they say and the words they pick. What good are pretty words and empty promises if you don’t act upon them? I know better. Actions will always speak louder than words in the end. I don't know about you, but somehow I always go back to thinking that the only person left to fall back on, isn't the person you wish it to be. And sometimes, it turns out that there's no one to fall back on at all.

Before you let me fall, kill me so I don't feel it at all
Push my body up against the wall and pick your poison
’Cause everything feels wrong and I don't know where I belong

Take me for granted, make me feel used and leave me in pieces
Misery is company because I know that it's real
I've learned to love the pain, that's the only way that I know how to feel

Maybe it's a phase, maybe I will break out of it someday
Maybe this is just my twisted fate
I always feel like everything is wrong, and I don't know where I belong

To feel your arms around my neck, I’m suffocating with regret
From all the wasted hours spent, believing I was never meant to touch the face of something real
These so called scars will never heal, and I put down a deal
Because that's only way that I know how to feel

Take me for granted, make me feel used
Leave me in pieces, broken and bruised
I promise that you will never keep on falling to pieces
Misery is company because I know that it's real
I've learned to love the pain, because that’s the only way that I know how to feel
You're the only way that I know how to feel

We’re going to dance all night because we say so.

SLEEPOVER on the 16th!
We finally got to meet up after about a gazillion years, but I guess that’s what makes things better than they already are. We had so much to talk about, so much to laugh over.

 

 

Barbequed goodness that melts in your mouth, sinful ice-cream treats, and an entire night of catching up and talking. We played Kinect, pool tables and silly games that left us jumping, laughing and exhausted. We had a movie marathon in the theatre, before knocking out together snuggled under warm covers. There’s never a day that goes by without me being thankful for them being around. We had early morning breakfast by the pool with pretty decorations all around. I want to wake up everyday to days like these, I love my girls to bits :)

Your pen's waiting for you

I detest days when exhaustion kicks in but my head and thoughts continue racing like a high-speed car race on the highways. I do not know how people look at me. They do that and see the good within and continue loving me for who I am. The good that I have been struggle to find. I know making comparisons can only make me spiral deeper into this never-ending hole of insecurities and paranoia. If I could, I would, it seems so easy to spot the best in others but I am never capable of doing the same for myself. I am always so easily contented with the simplest of things; a silly doodle or joke on pages of textbooks, old notes passed around during class that are kept as memorabilia, photographs. But it is never the case when it comes to being contented with who I am. That's just me, constantly on the search of something better within myself, constantly trying to make myself better for others. Sometimes I think of myself as a puzzle on the back of some Sunday newspaper, spot the difference and pinpoint the flaws. I wish it can be easier to let myself down, like how people can disappoint others but just shake hands, walk away like nothing ever happened. I wish I knew what it is like when people look at me, because when I do, all I see is things better left unloved. I see my flaws, the things I hate about my physique, the shoes I am never good enough to fill, the things I cannot do that others can, the disappointment I have left in others, the things I left unfinished, the words I could not make good, and the hurt I wish I can take away and protect them from. I would give anything to have someone else's eyes just for a day, or an hour to say the least. Wouldn't it be perfect, to be down in the dumps, but being able to get the assurance you need. Being able to know that you may have failed, and you may not be good at that one thing, but you definitely are worth it. I cannot be brave, my eyes are those of critique and insecurity. Sometimes I think that it is so much better to be blind, than to only be able to see the ugly. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I need to start loving myself. No one would ever want eyes like mine.

In my heart, I know that you’ll always stay.

Maybe we can sleep in, I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now, we could pretend it all the time
We could close the curtains, pretend like there's no world outside

We’ve got everything we need right here, and everything we need is enough.
It is just so easy, when the whole world fits inside of your arms.

Used to

Hello there! So much has happened during the past two or three weeks. In fact, I would say that the time that I spent while I disappeared from here is probably the most significant of my entire year so far. Time passes so quickly, it feels like just yesterday that school started but in fact an entire month and more has already gone by. One more week of school, followed by study break and exams and that’s it, my polytechnic life would be over. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I haven’t had time to post decent updates here because of schoolwork and deadlines that we’re expected to meet. But now that it’s over, I don’t really have the drive to continue blogging anyway because there’s so much I missed out and I would really really love to talk about all that, but I honestly don’t know where to start. But if people would be happy seeing bits and pieces of my life posted here all jumbled up, here goes…

I had my first clubbing experience ever! One of our tutors actually planned an event for us at MBS, we were all pretty psyched. The view up there was magnificent, I was contented just spending hours there trying to pick our familiar buildings and hopefully allow my eyes to forever immortalize the beautiful sight.

 

 

There was a lot of miscommunication though and some of us didn’t want to wait around with nothing to do, so we ended up going to Rebel/Zirca instead.

One heck of an interesting night, even though I disappeared and sat alone at a corner for more than half the time.

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There was this one day at school when I broke down and started crying. Hahahaha okay I want to laugh at myself when I think back but yea I was really stressed out about some things and my three weeks worth of work on a project screwed up, so I had to start from scratch all over again. That was the final straw, so I started crying in the midst of labwork so silly silly silly. Afterwards I was still feeling like crap and I felt like not a single person understands how it’s like to be me. It felt really bad and I was so filled with rage and disappointment, felt so badly like taking it out on a punching bag. I was feeling so miserable, I thought I might kill someone. Well anyway, because I can’t do things like that, I had some time all alone to myself. It was a pretty stupid idea in the beginning because I don’t really like being alone so it made me feel worse, but a certain repeated playlist on my ipod and some beautiful sights made me so much better. 

 

I swear, it felt like the angry monster inside of me just hit the snooze button and went to sleep. Hopefully forever though. Well anyway, I managed to draw something decent so I was rather contented.

I was also lucky enough to catch some fireworks, and it was by chance, lucky me! I’ll always have this insane obsession for fireworks, don’t care where or when. If I could, I want to catch every single firework display in Singapore possible but then things don’t always work out the way I want it.

Anyway, on the 7th, I had one of the nicest surprises ever in a very long time. L CAME BACK FROM NETHERLANDS. That sneaky girl actually ganged up with J to surprise me in school. She told me she would only be back on the 11th, so imagine the shock I had when J told me she needed a heart-to-heart talk badly, then when we went somewhere private, BAM there Lennie was! ♥♥♥♥ We caught up and talked nonstop for two hours about so many things. I miss them so much, can’t wait for the next sleepover!

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Another really awesome thing that happened was the love in class recently. No, I’m not talking about big big lurve-ing, but the time that I’ve been spending with my classmates recently. I’m not really a huge fan of being in class because it makes me so painfully aware of human beings and their continuous thirst and need for recognition, even at the sake of their peers’ feelings. That royally sucks because I honestly can swear that I’d rather have mediocre average results than to treat people like shit when they don’t deserve it. I rather have fun being grouped together with some effing awesome people who gets the job done and knows how to have fun, than to be with “geniuses” who guarantee me a skyhigh grade but leave me miserable and complaining incessantly. Which is pretty much why I’ve always stuck around with this certain group of people I’ve came to love in these three years. Well anyway, recently I’ve come to discover that our small group of people has actually merged and combined until we’re a much bigger group now, even though we don’t have silly little gatherings and dinners like most people do, but yes I’m still happy.

On the 9th, I had one of the best meals ever with some of the best people ever. Rebby, Iffah, Persis, Yk, Philo, Weihao, Ivan and I skipped our lectures for sushi buffet at downtown east! ♥ We were disappointed because Hei Sushi only starts their buffet at 3pm and it was only 11+ and our stomachs were all prepped up for some sashimi lurving. Thankful that there was Sakura nearby though, so our cravings were still sated. I laughed so much that day, I thought I might die from choking on sushi. The amount I ate definitely wasn’t worth the price of the buffet but the company sure was. We now have a pregnant fish boy, salmon boy, anything-also-can boy and a prawnstar/silent killer in our midst. I’m so happy that the last few days of poly is ending this way, with this amazing group of people ♥

   

Not to forget, the best thing right now is ALL OUR DEADLINES ARE FINALLY OVER. Bidding my final farewells to presentations, formal wear, and projects yippee ya yay :D

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I also took part in the interclass Captain Ball competition on Friday with my classmates and it rocked. Never mind that we didn’t emerge victors, but that’s a buttload of fun I’ll never ever be able to have without them. We got wayyyyyy too excited whatsapping each other in the late night before the match (We called ourselves the exterminators hahahahahahaha), and we even had a basketball game with fellow year3s before the games began. It felt so good to exercise and be under the hot sun sweating it out. Soccer, basketball, captain’s ball all in a day, what else can I ask for? :)

Came back home to realize how ridiculous I look with my sunburns. I was beetroot red and so exhausted, even more exhausted than going to school from 8am till 4pm with only three hours of sleep. So yes this is pretty much everything interesting that has happened recently! :)


I was just browsing through some old photos today and I realized how different I look right now as compared to two years ago. Good changes though, I hope :)
I think it would be really awesome if people were able to read other people’s intentions, wants and needs. There will be no need for waiting around, no need for secrets, no need for guessing games. Some people think it’s only as simple as speaking up, fighting for the things you want and asking for them. If you really put it that way, it’ll be really easy especially if you’re so at ease around someone that secrets and boundaries don’t exist, and these requests are as light as passing remarks. You needn’t be shy, or have second thoughts, or rehearse and stay awake at night thinking about the words you are going to say. Then you actually tell yourself that this is it, I’m going to say what I’ve been wanting to for so long. But when you actually do see that face, it’s like the words previously imprinted on your mind, words you’ve practiced so hard you can recite them while you’re half-asleep, they all fade away. All because you think that it’s okay, why bother about my thoughts when what I have now is perfect. But what would I know about that? Maybe what I’m doing, what I am, isn’t what people is asking for anyway.