I'll be under the impression I'm somewhere in between

Everyone have dreams, they spend their entire lives trying to sought them out and find the road that leads them there. I have never been able to get close enough to mine. Every single time, they proved too hard to achieve, something gets in the way, health problems, life played me out. Whatever there could be, I have been there. I find hope from even the littlest good things in my life and tell myself that it can only get better. But repeatedly, I was proved wrong. Just because you have had your share of obstacles and difficulties at one point of time doesn't mean that life would be easier from that point onwards. Contrary to what we would like to believe, hardship doesn't come in fixed amounts, and more importantly, it isn't deserving. Just because you've done good all your life, just because you had it harder than most people, it doesn't reduce the "debt" we have. It doesn't make what is remaining of your journey any easier. That is the toughest part; Getting up from the hardest of blows, settling for second best and building your dreams from scratch again. 

Through all my falls, through the climbs to get me back to where I was, through the many times I have came close to just resigning to fate, I have never been this close to achieving my dreams like this time. It seems so real and so near, I know if there is a map with all our dreams in fine blueprint, I would be able to see mine. I could use my finger to trace the fine lines and linger on the pages because I know dreams are fragile, they could break. Best to indulge in the moment because anything can go wrong the next. I have never been this close. It's like I have been struggling so hard to get back on the path I have strayed from, one that would eventually lead me to my white picket fences and a garden that rolls out to meadows. Then suddenly, I have to give up on this dream again. 

I suppose it's odd to feel relief despite the disappointment that comes from knowing here I am once again, stuck. Relieved from not having to take on more things on life that I'm uncertain of. Relieved from not needing to continue without a single clue about what awaits me at the next step. Relieved from questions that remain unanswered, promising nothing but leaving you anticipating and excited all the same. At the same time, I cannot help but wonder what could have been. What would happen if for once my dreams, this dream took flight?