We'd laugh about their vacant stares

It seems as though my days are running together and I’m losing track of time. Every single day seem to pass even quicker than before, and before you know it, my weekends are here. Hahahaha but then again, maybe it only applies for this week because of all the activities lined up for me.
I helped out for my course’s JAE on Wednesday for the last time before graduation. I felt happy talking to others and sharing everything that I’ve learnt and been through in the past three years. There was a point of time when I thought that I would no longer have such feelings for this anymore. I guess the biggest regret I have thus far is not being able to get over past failures and picking myself up again. Not being able to be a pilot was a great blow to me and it made me feel so angry and disappointed with everything in life. Somehow the hurt ended up rubbing off on the wrong things and I held grudges when it was something no one had any control over. Over some time, I guess those negative feelings remained rooted in my mind and robbed me of the ability to feel such passion again. I’m thankful for the crazily hot afternoon shift from 1pm to 6pm that made me realize that sometimes, all it takes is old memories that would re-instill those old feelings within you. Flying is no longer a possibility for me, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll constantly be at rock-bottom. Of course, dinner with Donovan at Carl’s Junior after that also made my tummy happy :) Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I also had my napfa test on Friday. I know I’ve pissed people off by going against their advice, and my doctor’s, and carrying on with all that running. I know it seems ridiculous but it means more to me than simply showing others that I am strong and physically fit enough. I’ve had a tough year, and dislocating my ankle doesn’t fall under the good category. It made me feel so helpless and pathetic, I don’t even know where to begin. Being followed back home and not having the ability to fight for yourself or run, I guess that experience would always stay with you. The thoughts and feelings that run through your brain at that moment leaves a permanent imprint that changes so many things. It was the realization at that moment that my life can change so much and spiral down an endless tunnel of depression if anything were to happen to me, that was real helplessness.

All I wanted is to know whether I’m still that same headstrong person as I had been before. There’s so much that happened where all that I can do is nod and accept whatever is being taken away from me. Flying, being a defender, running, other things. It has grown to the point that sometimes I don’t even bother putting up a fight, and succumbing too the circumstances straight away. My mental strength has always been something I took pride in, something that I know I can rely on to keep me going during tough times. I wanted that back. And I guess I still have it in me. It took tremendous amount of pain that I went through, engaging in running that I should very well stay away from, and I guess I could see that I’m still going to push myself past my limits to fight for something I want. I felt like my ankle was going to give way at any time, there were sharp jolts of pain that ran all the way up my calves with every stride. But I told myself that if I’m already halfway there, then there’s no point stopping and putting all that effort to waste. Even if it means running with my eyes closed just to space out for abit.

I got what I wanted, a Gold. I got As for every station except for SBJ and I was seconds to an A for my 2.4km. I’m no longer that silly fat girl who goes into a state of panic the day before Napfa and resort to taking MCs just to get away from them. I’m no longer the same person who lives every day of her life under the opinions and judgements from other people that made her feel inferior and afraid all the time. That was years ago and I’m happy I came this far, happier, stronger, fearless. All it takes really, is for myself and the people who love me to believe in me and show me that I can as long as I don’t stop trying. I know it’s tough fighting your personal wars inside yourself, while other people try to get you down all the time, but I tell myself that happy days await me and well, it really does.

Silly pictures that keeps me smiling,

Last of all, I want to say…

Happy 20th Birthday baby ♥♥♥

(Three hearts not because I’m stingy, but because it’s your jersey number for three years)

I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there on the actual day for a proper celebration with you. I really tried, but I guess all of us are so busy right now that our schedules conflict all the time. Muchen and Huiqin have their coursework, I have my projects, and you have your internship and projects. I know this semester would be a tough and exhausting one for you, but do know that no matter what happens, we’ll all stand by you and keep you going. I realized through you, that strong friendships are built on similarities. Maybe it also has to do with the fact that all four of us fought for the same thing for such a long time, all the time holding each other together and striving for what we wanted. We don’t need to be with each other 24/7 every single day, meet up at least once every week, gossip all the time, text each other endlessly, and nevertheless, we remain that close.

You’ve been such a great difference to my life for the past three years that sometimes I can’t even remember what it’s like before I know you. Little things makes me think of the things we talked about, and I hope that’s the same for you. You’re one of the most special people I’ve ever known, and I know I have reminded you repeatedly about that. You never seem to believe it but I’m more than happy to keep doing that for the rest of my life. If the end of the world is really going to be this year, I’ll save you and put you in my apocalypse team, no second thoughts about that. Hell, if you turned into a zombie I’ll probably remain by your side and we can build a zombie army just because it’s fun. If I were Jack and you were Rose, I’ll give you my stupid wooden plank thing to float on, no questions asked. That’s what you mean to me, and probably to a lot of other people too. We’re probably going on different paths in our lives soon, because you’re so happy and lively while I’m pretty much a social outcast who fears camps and orientations. But I promise I’ll be with you every step of the way if you ever need me around, Best Friends forever, cross my heart. I can be the person you call at three am in the morning, and I can be the reply text you get when insomnia strikes and we both lay awake restless and energetic in the wee hours of the morning. We can be at each other’s weddings, and name each other’s babies even though I’m quite the sadist who might stuff your baby with food because I like them fat and round. We can even have wheelchair races, or play that hockey-lookalike thing at our retirement home. I love you :) Please keep yourself happy and sane because I’ll need you by my side many years down the road.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sinful indulges with Kenny, on random days, close to home.

 

I am a confused person who thinks weird thoughts, and daydreams and stare into space quite frequently. My mind operates on clockwork, which is probably the only reason why I allow my frantic thoughts to keep me awake and take over my mind. I worry about the littlest of things and remain insecure about what the coming day would bring me.

But I know now that the first step to looking forward, instead of glancing over my shoulder all the time fearing that my past would catch up to me, is to be brave. History made would forever remain unchanged, no matter how much you wish it would’ve turned out different. We can’t live our lives dwelling in what could’ve been and missing out on what we have in the present. All we can do is to hope that history made would not repeat themselves, that you wouldn’t go back to square one after everything that you’ve done. We have to accept things for what they are, because wishing and hoping for something else is pointless and disappointing if we never really make an effort to change them. Sure, things are never picture perfect as we want, but we learn to be satisfied and happy with all our shortcomings and flaws.

Things would change, maybe for the better, maybe they remain the same, or maybe they’ll take a turn for the worse. But that’s the thing about life, we never ever know what it holds in store for us, what is going to happen next. There’s a beauty in it because we remain pleasantly surprised when good things await us, instead of simply nodding and being unappreciative about it. There’s never a definite path that guarantees that everything would turn out how we want it to be.

All we really can do is to be brave and take the next step forward into the unknown, with our eyes closed and fists clenched tight around faith,. We close our eyes and wish for the best, hoping that we wouldn’t step into empty space and fall. And sometimes, we realize that even if we fall, there’s been someone at the bottom, waiting to catch us all along.

Thank you K, for being the best friend and making me laugh like a hyena even though it can be really embarrassing.

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves 
They'll judge it like they know about me and you 
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do 
The jury's out, but my choice is you 
It's not theirs to speculate if it's wrong 
Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in 
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you