I have always envisioned myself as someone who is going to grow up to be strong, indestructible and pretty much a real superwoman. I picture myself as someone I would look up to if I ever travel into the future and see a grown-up me. I was fine visualizing myself too ice-cold to be with. Too strong and lacking vulnerability that no one would ever want to protect me. I was okay with being alone because sometimes I really wonder what company is ever good for. Broken hearts, painful memories, grudges, loss of trust, disappointment, being misled, these are the things you came away with. Nothing good can ever come of it. Love, what can it be possibly good for? And kids, who needs them anyway? Chances of them growing up to be full-blown brats who shows no respect or empathy for others are increasingly high, especially after watching how children behave these days. They’ll disappoint you, break your heart, and make you wonder if you’re a failure all the time. It’s like a long term relationship you can never ever walk away from. One that tests your patience and causes never-ending heartaches. They say love makes the world go round, but the lack of it, it wouldn’t kill you either right? That is why my accomplishments and grades were really all that mattered to me because it proved my worth, they really are things I cannot do without. Honestly, love can’t fill your tummy, keep you warm and safe with a roof over your head, leave you contented when you go to sleep. What good is it for?
But then, someone comes along and he makes you wonder if it is worth it. The feeling of happiness bubbling through your body, of butterflies fluttering in your stomach, or the smiles on your face that appears without you noticing, the thoughts you share or the plans you make. I so badly want to take those words back because suddenly I realize that despite how sure I am that I would be better off alone, the situation proves otherwise. Maybe it was because I didn’t dare believe that it was possible, didn’t dare to open doors to old heartaches and repeated history. Just because something didn’t work out the way you wanted to before, doesn’t mean that it would not be perfect this time. Or the next, or the next to come.
Before you know it, it’s like you’re waking up to different days where everything was easier. Mistakes easier to overlook, nothing is able to get you down. Suddenly, I feel like I can do fine giving up the greater things in life just to keep this around. Just to make sure that my days like these last for however long it can, because I know this happiness does not come easy. Some people settle for less, some people end up regretting decisions they make. Maybe my story is that I have been closing doors to something that has been there all along. It was a slap in my face because I used to stand so firmly in my beliefs that there’s no such thing as not being able to live without another, that even if we lost someone we carry on the same as before. Despite that, I am happy because subconsciously, all I wanted was to be proven wrong. And I was.
Happy days never really last, or maybe they do, but there are bound to be short, cloudy and depressing breaks in between. It breaks my heart knowing that there is bound to be disappointment in every story I thought was perfect. What’s ironic is that, the more you love, the more the expectation, the more you’ll be disappointed. I try to keep it to a down-low, to bottle things up so I wouldn’t feel that way. But there are times when I would question myself again if this is really worth it. If all these quick thrills of euphoria would be able to tide me through the tough times I will have ahead. Or how would I able to survive if I end up losing everything, being alone and falling back to square one again. Or why is it that I’m leaving myself high and dry, that the best is all I’m giving, and yet it is never enough for anybody. Or if this effort would eventually come back wasted, unappreciated and unreturned.
I guess I can deal with it, that maybe past heartaches have toughened me up for many to come. That I would get used to having my heart broken because of my silly naivety, but still pick myself up in the end. Maybe years down the road, I’ll come back only to realize this is simply another chapter in a book and my happy ending is far from coming. But you know what I can’t handle? The disappointment that comes along when I realize that I should not be having these thoughts, should not be doubting what this is worth. The sadness that clouds your thoughts when you realize how quickly things can fall apart. When you really love someone, you wouldn’t be so quick to judge. You wouldn’t feel vulnerable at the littlest of stumbles, wouldn’t keep your guards up so quickly because you know and you have faith that you won’t be hurt at all.
But if that is true, then why do I feel this way? That said, am I really worth loving?
:*(
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