Goodbye, my 2011.

My 2011 has been filled with ups and downs, but nonetheless it was an eventful year. It was filled with heartache, worries and frustrations that sometimes I worry that my happy things would run out and I’ll end up feeling miserable for the rest of whenever. Despite that, I’m happy because whatever that happened in this year shaped me and made me a better person than I was before.

My 2011 in 19 significant events, for my 19th year of life:

1. Spending my first day of the year cycling my butt off.

2. Chinese New Year with a beautiful family

 

3. Applying for an internship with Cathay Pacific and spending six months there, before getting the most tedious part of year3 life over and done with

 

4. Said goodbye to love of close to two years.

5. Learning to stand on my own feet and finding myself all over again

6. Dislocating my ankle, nearly tearing my calves muscles

 

7. Sending off a beloved friend who went overseas for her internship

8. Chopping off my long locks for short pixie crop hair before coloring it red and brown.

9. Becoming a hockey goalkeeper

10. POL-ITE 2011, coming back home with Silver.

11. Getting to know an amazing bunch of people who gave me endless laughter and support

12. Late night lepak and jamming sessions after Div4 matches

13. Rounding with my hockey girls and coach

14. Watching my first live soccer match ever, and getting addicted to it

15. My amazing 19th birthday at Ikea

16. The Wolfpack

  

17. Going to Bangkok with my friends

18. AMS Reception and spending time with my amazing classmates

 

19. Finding my love for drawing and writing all over again

This is a year where many things changed for me. I found out that I am actually a lot more stronger than I thought I was, and I also let go of many things I thought I wasn't strong enough to. I had many "first"s, there were many downs and ups but my friends kept me going. I made about a thousand mistakes, and at the same time learnt ten times more valuable lessons than I ever could otherwise. There was a share of tiffs and fallout among friends, but I guess that gave me a second look at how friendship works and what keeps all of us together.

In 2011, good things happened to me,

• Had my happy moments in a long term relationship
• Met different people from all walks of life through my internship
• Had a wonderful internship experience that left me so much wiser, despite the stressful days and never-ending workload
• Bonded more with my family than before
• Pushed myself past my physical capabilities
• Did my hockey team proud and exceeded my own expectations by conceding only one goal the entire season, the lowest goalcount by far
• Tasted victory and accomplishment when hard work is paid off
• Shared my secrets with friends, something I've never really done before
• Found true friends who stood by me and gave me everything I could ask for when I was at my most vulnerable
• Learnt to make selfish decisions
• Experienced new-found freedom
• Started writing things that made sense again
• Realized that I didn't have a clue of who I am as an individual and eventually, I managed to find myself again
• Learnt to be slightly more friendly instead of being so painfully shy all the time
• Made new friends who never fail to make me laugh like a hyena
• Rollerbladed the night before my birthday away
• Found the courage to try new things; Riding pillion on motorbikes, clubbing, soccer, etc
• "Say You Like Me" - We The Kings
• Learning to let go and stop being afraid

Then again, there are definitely a share of bad things and mistakes,

• I picked up smoking because I thought it'll make it easier when things get tough. Dropped it because I realize that I'm only fooling myself.
• Finally admitted defeat after fighting for something I deluded myself into for so long
• Had my share of annoying people who test my patience all the time
• Let my expectations of people get ahead of me
• Became slightly more vulgar because of some things, but it got better already!
• Nearly lost a loved one, left me shaking and praying to whoever who would listen
• Had my heart broken
• Tried to shut people who love me out
• Got followed back home
• Some pervert took photos of me on a bus ride home
• Got groped in a club
• Lost touch with some people, and some things I love
• Got angry at myself repeatedly
• Disappointed people who loved me

I've made decisions no one would expect me to, I learn to lay down my defences and pride. I realized that sometimes, you've got to be strong and admit that no matter what you do, you can't make things the way you want them to be. I've never been brave, quite often I can't wait to admit defeat and wallow in my own puddle of self-pity. But after everything I've been through this year, I can stand on my own feet and fight for what I think I deserve. Even if I can't, I rest assured that my friends would be there to push me to go further. I'm getting better at accepting changes instead of being scared and worried about them all the time.

Life has a funny way of getting better at the worst, and bringing bad things when you're sky high. I've come to realized that even though that may frustrate the heck out of me, all these little obstacles that come my way make me appreciative of what I'm capable of, and the people around me who loves and cares. People would know that I'm more comfortable behind the shield of a computer screen, I'm better expressing my feelings through texts and long entries written here. I'm thankful for the people who love me because they put up with that, and they deal with the endless waiting and awkward silences I may give sometimes.

I guess the biggest challenge the entire year is having to be alone. It was difficult to let go of something that you know you've been fighting so hard to hold on to and keep alive. It's one thing to say goodbye to love you lost, it's another to do that with something you were previously too stubborn to let go off. It's also because of this stubbornness that brought me more ache and pain I could've spared myself from, but at least through it, I know that I'm still kicking after losing something that had meant the world to me. Every step of letting go wasn't easy. It took me courage to wake up everyday and face a phone that no longer have texts awaiting your reply. It was also that much harder waking up to a reality you rather not face. It was harder to endure long bus rides alone and having no one to send you back home. I guess that was one of the toughest things I had to get over because being the hopeless romantic that I am, I love being sent/walked back home. It took me ages to see things as they are, instead of replaying old memories when I walk past certain places or listen to silly music. Every step along the way, I told myself that it was for the best and I was stronger being by myself. Knowing that I'm the one who made the decision and brought on my own misery didn't make things any better. I was a mess but the past few months of being loved by the people around me and being cared for, it pieced me back together bit by bit.

I'm still flawed, still broken. There's parts of me I hide away now because I've learnt that letting people have your vice isn't a good thing. I'm still that little bit afraid of committing too much, caring too much, just in case it comes back unappreciated. Worst of all, I'm a whole lot more sensitive to things that wouldn't have hurt me in the past. I hate being this fragile and weak but I know it's all in the process of growing back to who I once was before. Yet maybe this might be a blessing because despite being incomplete, someone might come along and love me better than before. I miss being happier instead of relying on people for laughter and smiles all the time. But I know that things would get better as long as I am still putting up a fight. 

It was a year filled with a lot more negativity and pain that I've expected, but it wasn't a bad one. I've gained so much in the process, and I have to say that I like the person I am now than I ever was. This is my 2011, and I know now that hearts don't remain broken, at least not for eternity. I know now that I may be flawed but I have my strength to change for the better. 

I hope 2012 has better things in store for me. All I really want is for the people who love me, to remain loved and safe. I want to learn more valuable lessons, and meet the right people. I want to love myself instead of only seeing mistakes and incompetency. I want my dreams to come true. I want to know that love and happiness is really able to last a lifetime.

Now you're a song I love to sing, never thought it'd feel so free
Now I know what's meant to be and that's okay with me