Beginnings

A new year is supposed to mean new beginnings right? I hate that mine started without me feeling terribly carefree and happy, like there’s nothing that can possibly go wrong. I wish that I can erase the thoughts in my head or maybe just stop them from getting to me at times like this.
I always make the mistake of looking back into the past, and it’s not just mine. People like to tell others to live in the present and forget the past because it’s long gone and over. But how often do we find ourselves glancing back because really, it’s a curiosity that cannot be sated. Quite often, we come out from this curiosity hurt and troubled even more than before. I know that sucks but I’d say that sometimes it’s better to know and feel the ache than to just go on hoping that what you believe in is true.
I can’t help but wonder if the decisions that people make right now are merely reflections from the mistakes, the decisions they did not get right in the past. Sometimes I wish that I was in that past, because maybe then I wouldn’t need to keep thinking that much. But that’s impossible right? There is nobody that’s really been there all along. And all this hopeless thinking and wild thoughts can get me nowhere. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe it should stop.

I'm not sure what this is going to be

I fall into things too hard and too fast, and quite often I only discover this when I have gone past the point of redemption. I realize that sometimes, wanting something and wishing for it hard enough does not mean that it would stay that way, or that things would miraculously work out the way you hope for it too. Sometimes, when you are done with sitting around hopelessly building your alternate endings on luck, wishes and crossed fingers, you do things you would not have and try your best to make things go your way. Despite that, there's never a guarantee that whatever you have resorted to would work its wonders, most of the time it does not.

I know now that there is never really a forever. I am nineteen, not four, and I have grown up to realize that wishing on stars are silly fantasies made up to help put a little hope in the hopeless. But what is the point of doing that when really, all you are doing is to have them strung up higher to be disappointed and hurt more when they really do fall? Our good intentions often have this uncanny twisted ability to come back and slap us in our faces, undoing whatever good we wish we could have done and creating more pain and confusion we wanted to avoid. 

I have been through enough to know better. No matter how happy things may be, no matter how your luck seemed to have turned for the better, no matter how many of your silly wishes are finally coming true, things do not last that long because they just can't. What you have to offer may be the very best that you can give, in fact it can be everything that you can possibly give, and sometimes by pure chance it might be enough. Or at least it might be enough for the moment in the entire space of a lifetime. Sometimes what you have to offer lose meaning after awhile, sometimes it loses value or significance because it will gradually grow to become a norm and habit in another's life. And then what? 

I grow accustomed to the fact that something better would always show up, something new would shine, something other than what I can give, something other than me. And who would choose me over a better alternative. Who would give up what they want all their life, give up everything they wished for, for a temporary distraction that only fills in the void? Would you give up a chance of touching your dream, making it come true to a reality where things are never quite as good as you want it to be? It's an obvious decision to make, with options that speak so clearly for themselves. Would you give up a pretty diamond for some shiny penny you happen to find while on the way to seeking that diamond? I have accepted that fact that people would always leave for the better. They would not have before because back then, you were the better until another new shiny and more improved better comes along. People leave no matter how they promised not to do so, people seek better happy endings than the one I may have to offer. Sometimes my happy endings are not quite as you want it to be, they are never ever pretty enough. 

Is it not fair if I chose my own better alternative before I get chosen over? Is it selfish to pull myself out of this mess of a heart before I get entangled deeper than I already am. Can I stop loving before another stops so that when it really happens, I can tell myself that it was fair and square and hopefully that would help erase the ache that still persists. Can I push myself away and be alone again within my walls before people have the chance to find that one single weakness and crumbling brick and rip me apart? Can I start hurting to stop myself from hurting after? Can I shut off my feelings to save my heart? Is it wrong to choose to be strong and alone over the possibility of being torn apart from the inside? Can I safekeep my feelings elsewhere, lock it and throw away the keys so it remains lost forever, before you have the chance to break my heart apart? 

I always seem strong to many, it would not have mattered if I fell. Would you have a happier ending even if it means that I am alone?

Para-para-paradise

Another photo from Christmas Eve’s dinner :)
My body’s aching all over because I went to the gym yesterday. It’s been ages since I last exercised (fyi, that was the hockey competition period). Went back to school to get my shoes and I nearly couldn’t get in because it was a public holiday but I exchanged my IC and ezlink card with the security guard and promised to run back asap, thank god.

I timed my 2.4km run and finished it within 14 minutes and 7 seconds, but that’s only if I maintain constant running and a few minutes of slow jogging. My doctor told me to excuse myself from my 2.4km and shuttle run because of the dislocated ankle but I really don’t want to. I’m worried sick about my physical fitness test and I know that people say that it’s okay to fail since it doesn’t mean anything for girls. I know it seems silly but it actually means more than just a test I have to take to get my graduation testimonial. It’ll be pretty ironic if a hockey player fails her physical test right. Besides, it’s significant because it would mean that I’m fighting my monsters, dislocated ankle and anemia, and winning. I hate the thought of my physical inabilities robbing me of the chance to be better, and I really want to fight all that bad.

But no matter how I am so determined to do so, I still have to admit defeat, have to admit that the pain is real. It’s no longer imaginary or psychological, like how I would fear my calves muscles tearing and feeling the pain even when it was no longer present. I felt my ankle give way and start being wobbly barely 1km on the treadmill, which is easy as compared to real outdoor conditions. I was fighting and focusing harder to keep my balance than to pace myself while running. After the 3.3km run yesterday, my ankle was hurting so bad I couldn’t even stand for long while showering in the toilet. Every step, or everytime that I lean my weight towards my left, I fear that my bones would just shift and dislocate all over again. The aching abs and arms from the planks and core exercises didn’t help either. I hate that so much, I feel so weak and helpless. I don’t know if I should listen to my doctor, or to screw it and run because I want so badly to prove myself wrong.

Lunch with Deon and Kenny cheered me up quite a bit though. Original plan was to go home and meet later to watch Liverpool’s match at Ming’s, but they were called down for some last minute street soccer at Simei and I went along to watch. It was pretty exciting and funny because of some disputes. Deon drove us to Ming’s after and I was so knackered that I fell asleep halfway and only woke up an hour later. They took a photo of me while I’m sleeping and tried posting it online, and apparently even then I didn’t wake up when the camera’s flash went off directly in my face.

Simpang for supper after that before we all went back home and knocked out. I woke up feeling like an old lady because of the creaky bones, plus I couldn’t even sit up at all HAD TO ROLL WHAT A JOKE. Hey, but all that’s okay because I weighed myself and I’m so much lighter than I expected hehehehe :B I WANT TO BE SKINNY, I DON’T WANT TO BE A FATASS!

A very wolfish Christmas

Met the wolfpack repeatedly even after our trip, it’s kind of funny now if you think about it. Had the legendary banmian on Friday before we walked about lepaking and reminiscing  the bangkok times. It seems ridiculous, especially since “Bangkok times” was just a day before but hey, we really missed it like crazy. Buy things really feel like bargaining, the trait is in us already!
Went to popular and NTUC, and then we decided we were hungry again. This was barely three hours after dinner. Walked to Deon’s to get his car before we drove to Kembangan for meesua and beancurd. It was a good night ^^

On Christmas Eve, finally met up with Yongxiang for Sherlock Holmes at Tampines. It’s amazing that we got tickets because people were raving about the show. I nearly fell asleep though because there were a few parts when the dialogue got pretty boring. Too used to the bkk ways of sleeping everywhere hahahahaha! Anyway, the movie was good and they had cute animals (THE PITBULL AND THE PONY OH MY GODZ DROOLS), plus points.

Went back home to get Tzuming’s things he left in my luggage before going over to his house for Christmas eve dinner! Only Darren was around though, Kenny came later because of his flight but hey at least we all made it. The food was great as usual, the company even better :) Can never get tired of the cosiness over there.



Our last comrade Deon came over with his car hahahahaha, best thing ever because I feel like we can travel the world with it. Reached Katong for karaoke at midnight (HAHAHAHAHA KATONG FOR KAROKE, quite funny). Yet another long awaited event because the previous time we tried, the place was fully booked. Had our own concert in the tiny room, complete with dancers, backup singers and lead vocalists. Best times hehehehehe. Went for meesua again after that before I reached home and knocked out.


I had a simple Christmas this year, didn’t even bother to go to Orchard Road to see the pretty lights. I love the Christmas decorations, in fact it’s one of the things I look forward to most each year. Kinda silly to be so crazy over tiny bulbs you manipulate with a switch but heck, it’s just my silly little indulgence. PRETTY LIGHTS <3

Had dinner with my beautiful family at bedok round corner or whatever they call it. It was simple, not artsy fartsy high-class dining, but sometimes it’s the people around that really matter isn’t it? I can be seated on the floor with a bunch of people I love all around me and I’ll be satisfied. Of course, throw in some xiaolongbaos and I’ll be hopelessly indebted to you, but that’s just a bonus. It’s like getting all As, except for a single distinction, but that doesn’t really make a difference right. I love the people who love me and every single day I’m so thankful to have them all around.

One of my greatest flaw is my stubbornness. But sometimes, it’s also the flaw I take the most pride in because it has its good and bad. I know that once I’ve got my heart set on something, I’ll carry it through until the end. And once I love someone or something, I’ll fight even when it hurts until it gets too tiring to carry on doing so anymore. I’m grateful for the people who look past the bad and love me for who I am inside, no matter how little good I have. No matter how badly damaged I may be, no matter how my insecurities may eat at you or me, no matter how I may accidentally hurt others in my own path to self-destruction. There are times I seem porcelain perfect and alright on the exterior, but thank you all for seeing past my defences and holding me together because you know I’m falling apart on the inside. This Christmas, I am happy thanks to all the people who kept me this way the entire year xxxx

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there's just one thing I need
Santa Claus won't make me happy with a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know
Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you

Hab Wolfpack in Bangkok, flix plice

HAI THERE, Merry Christmas! I had an awesome Christmas Eve, but more on that later. I’m stuck at home right now on Christmas though, can’t really find anything to do in Singapore anymore :( I’ll take the time to blog about my 5 days trip in Bangkok instead!

There was alot of panic and imagination going wild before the trip because of the bomb threats (and actual bombs found and defused) two days prior to our departure. Luckily, I didn’t let my thoughts get the better of me so from the 18th to 22nd, I finally got my long awaited trip to Bangkok with the Wolfpack. Wolfpack aka Darren, Deon, Kenny and Tzuming, by the way going with them was the best decision ever because they made everything x1928927397439473 times funnier and better. I have no idea how the wolfpack thing came about but I suppose it has something to do with the birthday card Tzuming received.

 

Mama sent all five of us to the airport where we had macs before joining the ridiculously long queue for check-in. Darren and Kenny were wearing similar shirts which is pretty inappropriate given the fact that we’re about to step into a land filled with bapoks and guys who like guys (no discrimination intended). Darren’s teacher-look and gentle ways during the entire trip did not help at all either hahahahahahahahaha, quite amusing.
Pictures we took upon getting into the transit area. Pretty excited!

ON THE PLANEEEEEEEEE, psyched. We were pretty lucky to be seated next to each other and I got the window seat hehehehe. I love planes, love love love love love love absolutely love. Deon made friends with the stranger next to him :d

By some sort of magical ability to twist my body into awkward positions that fit into a small airplane seat, I feel asleep. Like seriously knock out all the way till we landed, and bam we’re in SuvernaBHUMi airport.

Darren’s dad has an apartment in BKK since he goes there regularly for business trips. Uncle was also there to pick us up at the airport before bringing us back to his apartment to put our things down. The apartment’s where we stayed in for the entire trip, so thankful for that because it was really convenient and helped us to save on lodging. It was pretty squeezy though but we went grocery shopping and bought an extra mattress to sleep on + cleaning supplies.

Ming and I got there first because we shared the cab with uncle and we didn’t get lost, unlike the rest hehehehehe. GOT CONNED WITHIN THE FIRST FEW HOURS OF THE TRIP. Notice that Darren and his dad has the same way of walking, quite cool. DAMN THANKFUL THAT WE HAD THEM AROUND OR BANGKOK WOULD’VE HAD US.

Had lunch at the nearby foodcourt and I had really bad gastric, reason unknown but it probably has to do with eating at 3pm. We went hotel-shopping after that because we thought the apartment didn’t have enough space. I was dying from the pain, say real. After about three hotels, we decided to screw it and squeeze into the apartment instead.

The Link2 apartment was on Sukhumvit Road which was in On Nut, pretty far from all the shopping places but it was okay because travelling proved to be quite a fun experience for us. We had a Tesco Lotus near us, kind of like an NTUC but a ridiculously cheap one. Grocery shopping has never been that fun because we screwed the whole maintaining image thing (never mind ah, never going to see all these people anymore) and played with trolleys. Funny story: Darren and his dad went to find mattresses, Ming went to find soap, we went off and he couldn’t find us so we started finding him. Kenny walked off to find him and Kenny got lost, so Deon plus me in the trolley decided that we’re the last few surviving so we had to stick together. Kenny came back after a few minutes, then Ming showed up looking super relieved. “Walao I cannot find you all and I have no money no phone, never felt that lost in my life. I thought I can never see you guys again.”, got the group hug feel. I want to laugh when I think about it now, too funny!!!!! We stuck together and tried to find Darren and his dad, nonstop reminding each other “EH COME BACK DON’T WALK OFF ALONE LATER LOST”. They showed up fifteen minutes later with groceries in hand, likeaboss. Scenario = win. Uncle introduced us to the train system in BKK, and we got this awesome cheatsheet, then class was released for us to go shopping by ourselves! CHATU-FREAKING-CHAK \m/ ^^

Shop like never give chance but I couldn’t find anything whereas the guys were really on a roll slippers, shirts, pants nonstop. UNTIL like the last half an hour when we were leaving the market, we saw the girl-heaven part. ALL THE THINGS I WANT WERE ALL THERE, but we were leaving and I couldn’t get anything so it was pretty sad.

Motorcycles were pretty much the best form of transport for us, cheap 10baht thrill. We went to meet uncle before he brought us out for dinner at this pub/restaurant specially chosen because they all wanted to watch the Arsenal v Mancity game.

We watched another game before the Arsenal one at 1am and I was pretty knocked out from one cup of beer and it was freezing in the restaurant so all of us headed out for a breather and I fell asleep HAHAHAHAHAHAHA xiaopang win. We went back to watch football after awhile and BAMMMM, the place transformed because it was buzzing with people (who are not watching football at all so it was vaire vaire tres annoying). Turns out that the live performances there were a favorite amongst the locals, there was also this bapok comedian who performed weird songs dressed in only his tighty-whities (I think he shoved sponge infront so his crotch area was really obscene). It was funny, until this group of people decided to sit themselves at the table infront of the screen and block the view. Plus they kept standing up and (stupid stupid stupid until quite funny) dancing, especially at the important parts where we’re at the edge of our seats and then this fatty decided to wiggle his junk at us. Yuck. It was a good game though, or whatever that I can see while dodging the people blocking my view.

 

We went back home to clean up the entire place and slept really late that night. Darren got cold and took out his eskimo outfit, rad.

DAY 2:

Woke up to this, and this also continued for the remaining days. Either that or they’ll be trying out massaging techniques, or wrestling hahahaha. Wrestling as in the pin your friend down in painful positions until they smack the bed and countdown from ten seconds kind of thing, being with them is pure entertainment like watching tv but live! We went swimming! Bangkok’s air is really dry as compared to Singapore so even though the sun was blazing hot, we get the chills! Our apartment’s pool was in the shade because the building blocked the sun so the water was freezing. We spent half an hour trying to get everyone else to jump into the icy waters, but apeman had a brilliant idea, which was to monkey and climb into the Link3’s pool which wasn’t in the shade. He succeeded and remained dry all the way until he climbed into Link3, hurray. So anyway, we did that too, daredevils living on the edge aren’t we.

We didn’t swim at all in the end hahahahaha, did jumping jacks to stay alive and it really felt like titanic true story.

Sigh, boys watching soccer.

 

Lunch (and awesome delish fruit juice) before taking the train down to Chit Lom for Platinum Mall!

The guys went to make their suits and left me at Platinum to my own devices for two hours. I thought I’d be in shopping heaven, but not really because the things there weren’t really my taste. It’s all lacey, flowery, fluffy and… Yea.

THEY CAME BACK FOR ME! Surprisingly I did more shopping with them than alone. But maybe that’s because I wasn’t stuck on the first floor walking about in circles because I’m a direction idiot.

HarryPotter-ing with Rudolph > MacDonald dinner with Ronald’s sawadeeka gesture > Taking advantage of Christmas decorations for camwhoring, yes the boys were totally riding that sleigh. Plastic bags in my hands are not all my shopping, I was like a part-time maid but only difference is that I volunteered for the job hahahahhahaha helpful and nice.

That’s how we roll, proud of our new tees. Kenny accidentally photobombed the three of us blind mice when he ran out from the freezing cold shower. We went to club at Shock39 after that! I was so so so excited because it was my first time clubbing ever and I was prepared to shuffle hahahahahahaha for real.

Weirdly interesting night as it turns out. We got rejected by two cabs because they no speak english, and we finally got one who thought he knows where we wanted to go. Brought us to Hollywood Bangkok which is some stripper place but luckily the bouncers directed him to the correct place. In one sentence, which is truly amazing because Ming even tried sign language and failed hahahahahaha.

We were all prepared to dance and imitate the guy we were observing while he ruined our soccer night the day before. Serious observe, I took mental notes on each hip sway or thrust quite funny. Got an entire bottle of cranberry vodka and some pepsi (all finished by the four of them, I barely drank). And they partied, and partied so hard I was proud of them *chest pump*. Darren was the champ of course, he never left the dancefloor and he get hit on when he went to the toilet. The rest pretty much stayed by my side the whole night, or jiggled/shuffled/danced next to our table. So nice of them, I felt like a real mama hahahahaha. Despite that, someone touched my ass which resulted in me gluing my butt to a chair or wall for the remaining time. Deon spent about 20 minutes walking to and fro, asking me if I remember where we stayed in case they all got drunk, quite funny but that’s his usual drunk self.

Darren the teacher whatsapped me a map, which was not really helpful because I forgot to download it hahahaha. I had to make my way back to the apartment with two drunk boys and it was quite funny. Darren puked out of the cab’s window which pissed the driver off but honestly, I’m sure the vomit cleaned the dust off instead but yea we had to pay extra. Best part was walking back home with them. Deon puked in the middle of the road while we were crossing, so we ran across the remaining part of the road while Darren and the rest stayed at the intersection hahahaha. THEN Darren started vomiting so I ran back with tissue, while Deon stripped on the other end. Hilarious shit, I cannot tahan when I visualize now. Remainder journey while walking, we had to half-drag Darren and convince Deon to keep his shirt on.


Random story: Tzuming underpacked for the trip, he only had an extra set of clothes so he needed pajamas that Darren offered to lend him. Pajamas aka a yellow shirt. On the third morning after Darren woke up from his drunken stupor after the previous night's clubbing,
D: Ming.
T: Ya?
D: Why you wearing my blue shirt.
T: *cheeky ape smile* Hahahahaha, I came back and I couldn't find the shirt. Try talking to you also no use so just take a new one
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA must be there to find it funny, Darren was seriously speechless. We found the shirt on a chair under Tzuming's bag on the last day. End of random story.

DAY 3:

Brunch at this roadside stall which was good stuff. The food there is really good, and if anyone ever goes to Sukhumvit road and sees this little Coffee Huk place tucked away in a corner, do try it! It has the best coffee I ever tasted the entire trip, don’t be deceived by the bad name. The uncle is really nice too, he talked to me while making coffee and even brought our drinks over to the table we were seated at even though he didn’t need to. I like nice kind thai people hehehehe :>

Platinum again, but this time I made my way there alone because the tuktuk was really small and the guys needed to get their suits. It was fun though because I felt fearless and really tourist-like (Okay I know technically I am a tourist but I like to pretend I’m a backpacker so whoever laughed at me that day, stop laughing). I think it’s weird that I like being alone :B

Meet up with them again after awhile, then we tuktuk-ed to the National Stadium so that they can get their soccer jerseys. We even stayed for abit to watch some local school’s soccer match, quite good actually. Absolutely miss the street food there :(

 

Darren the teacher ate some creepycrawlies, om nom nom yum yum.

MBK bored the heck out of us all because there’s nothing at all! We tuktuk-ed to Nana which is the wrong place once again because it was filled with people trying to pull us into watching their ThaiGirl shows. Interesting things once again, it was really the place made to scam gullible tourists. They sold slippers at 450 when we originally got them at 120 at some other place. MUST BARGAIN IF YOU EVER GO THERE.

Back to On Nut, where we waited for them to dropped the things at the apartment before exploring the night bazaar nearby. Deon discovered something, “EH WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LEG, I’M LIKE FREAKING FRODO LEH.”

DAY 4:

Boys in their relax pants got breakfast back, it was a feast. STREET FOOD <3 I hate that Singapore doesn’t have that. Once again, we platinum-ed and the guys finally collected their suits! We headed to Sala Deang after that because we thought there was a nightmarket there. Had dinner at this a random expensive restaurant. Once again, we made the wrong choice because the street was just about 50 metres away from the shady place we were the previous night. And we only realized this after staring at this familiar KFC. Ended up kind of running away from that place and walking about randomly. We also dropped by random hotels because somebody wanted to take a dump.

Went back to pack our bags and clean the apartment up!

Day 5:

Sigh, once again trying out their massaging techniques! Darren and I headed out in the morning to grab some last minute shopping. Came back, bathed and grabbed some snacks nearby ESPECIALLY DIARY QUEEN before we took a cab to the airport.

Grabbed the best chicken wings ever in the transit area, followed by some mango glutinous rice. I miss the mango glutinous rice so much, constantly having a bad craving for it especially the one we got from streetstalls.

Got back to the lovely land of crazy taxi fares, rude people and pure boredom at around six in the evening. Had dinner at Souperlicious in Terminal 2 for the first time ever and it was gooooooood. I miss hanging out with them 24/7 and listening to their nonstop soccer talk or bickering so much. We have plans for another trip soon, can’t wait hehehe!