I'm not sure what this is going to be

I fall into things too hard and too fast, and quite often I only discover this when I have gone past the point of redemption. I realize that sometimes, wanting something and wishing for it hard enough does not mean that it would stay that way, or that things would miraculously work out the way you hope for it too. Sometimes, when you are done with sitting around hopelessly building your alternate endings on luck, wishes and crossed fingers, you do things you would not have and try your best to make things go your way. Despite that, there's never a guarantee that whatever you have resorted to would work its wonders, most of the time it does not.

I know now that there is never really a forever. I am nineteen, not four, and I have grown up to realize that wishing on stars are silly fantasies made up to help put a little hope in the hopeless. But what is the point of doing that when really, all you are doing is to have them strung up higher to be disappointed and hurt more when they really do fall? Our good intentions often have this uncanny twisted ability to come back and slap us in our faces, undoing whatever good we wish we could have done and creating more pain and confusion we wanted to avoid. 

I have been through enough to know better. No matter how happy things may be, no matter how your luck seemed to have turned for the better, no matter how many of your silly wishes are finally coming true, things do not last that long because they just can't. What you have to offer may be the very best that you can give, in fact it can be everything that you can possibly give, and sometimes by pure chance it might be enough. Or at least it might be enough for the moment in the entire space of a lifetime. Sometimes what you have to offer lose meaning after awhile, sometimes it loses value or significance because it will gradually grow to become a norm and habit in another's life. And then what? 

I grow accustomed to the fact that something better would always show up, something new would shine, something other than what I can give, something other than me. And who would choose me over a better alternative. Who would give up what they want all their life, give up everything they wished for, for a temporary distraction that only fills in the void? Would you give up a chance of touching your dream, making it come true to a reality where things are never quite as good as you want it to be? It's an obvious decision to make, with options that speak so clearly for themselves. Would you give up a pretty diamond for some shiny penny you happen to find while on the way to seeking that diamond? I have accepted that fact that people would always leave for the better. They would not have before because back then, you were the better until another new shiny and more improved better comes along. People leave no matter how they promised not to do so, people seek better happy endings than the one I may have to offer. Sometimes my happy endings are not quite as you want it to be, they are never ever pretty enough. 

Is it not fair if I chose my own better alternative before I get chosen over? Is it selfish to pull myself out of this mess of a heart before I get entangled deeper than I already am. Can I stop loving before another stops so that when it really happens, I can tell myself that it was fair and square and hopefully that would help erase the ache that still persists. Can I push myself away and be alone again within my walls before people have the chance to find that one single weakness and crumbling brick and rip me apart? Can I start hurting to stop myself from hurting after? Can I shut off my feelings to save my heart? Is it wrong to choose to be strong and alone over the possibility of being torn apart from the inside? Can I safekeep my feelings elsewhere, lock it and throw away the keys so it remains lost forever, before you have the chance to break my heart apart? 

I always seem strong to many, it would not have mattered if I fell. Would you have a happier ending even if it means that I am alone?