Awake and unafraid

Someone told me recently that she found me a better and happier person than I’ve ever been before. I have never paid close attention to how things have become, how much changes has taken place in my life right now. But after that statement, I had a little bit of a reflection and I realized many things I previously didn’t.
I’ve got to admit that the past three months or so hasn’t been smooth-sailing. It wasn’t easy to come out of a two year relationship, start afresh and expect things to go your way. In fact, easy was the last thing that came to mind. There were days I fought back tears during my internship because my emotions got the better of me. There were days I dragged myself out of bed and remind myself that today can only be better, but it hardly ever turns out so because every little memory, a glimpse of something familiar, certain sights and sounds would open the floodgates once more. I didn’t expect it to be easy but I never expected myself to make it even harder than it already was. I’m thankful that I chose to spend my time on other things that kept me busy; hockey, school, internship and friends. Most of all, I’m appreciative of the friends who stuck by my side. They didn’t have to listen to me whine or complain or sob another heartbreaking story, but simply by being among them with nothing constantly bugging me, I felt better.

Dealing with judgemental people is another entirely annoying issue. I don’t like how people assume that I’m doing okay, that I’m someone who’s capable of breaking people’s hearts and moving on like it didn’t matter. It did, and there was so many times that I thought of giving things a second chance. But I’m always reminded that there’s already been so many chances taken and lost, one more couldn’t have made a difference. Very often, people make decisions, say things, or take action on things that they could’ve spared another moment to think over. But that never happens and all those little issues come together to make a big one, and by then, things are already past the point of redemption. There’s so many things that goes on beneath the surface, that people have no clue about, but instead they choose to ignore that and pin their disappointment or anger on me because I finally have something worth being happy about.
The relationship has never been a romantic, head over heels, fairytale-ish one. It may seem that way at the very beginning, or so I thought. I know that it’s normal that every relationship would come to a point where people take each other for granted. Where little habits you used to think was adorable started being annoying. But what matters most is that there’s effort and fighting involved to keep the entire thing together. Doesn’t matter if you’ve hit a rough patch, what matters is that there’s someone frantically gluing and stitching the seams together to make everything okay again. For me, it got tiring when suddenly I realize that I’m the one who’s always chasing after things that didn’t want me to follow. Always trying my best to meet expectations that can never be met. You wish that you can work things out, but you know that it would never be the same as it was because now you’ve seen the ugly side of things you wish you never knew. The constant anger and disappointment you feel and the negativity you place upon yourself everyday because you tell yourself repeatedly that you’re never good enough, it changes me into someone bitter and depressing.

All that aside, I wouldn’t say that it wasn’t worth the effort. There was a share of happy memories and happy times when I thought that nothing would ever get me down. But times like that hardly ever last, and at the end of the day, you realize that maybe what you can give is never enough for another. And maybe sometimes, the only thing is to stop the hate from getting at you, to change what was happy into something that’s completely insufferable. Sometimes, all that’s left to do is to let go because what you want, and what he want is two completely different things. Staying behind would only make you realize how much of a mistake it has been from the start.

I’ve became someone that’s better, hopefully, than I was before. But at the same time, there’s a million things I wish I could’ve done different, a million things I wish that I’ve never changed. I hate how this has turned me into someone who’s paranoid and insecure. I miss how sure I was of myself, confident that wherever life may lead me, I’ll still be two steps ahead. I miss how I used to be nonchalant and uncaring, laughing over the slightest of things, allowing rolls of dices to determine what I want, instead of being so anal about every single thing now. I miss how I used to live in my own world and do whatever I want to, without a single care about the consequences.

I don’t know where I would go from here. I don’t know how it’ll be like, to step into the same old territories which is familiar and different at the same time. It can be exasperating after all that time of having someone around regardless of any condition, and being reduced to being alone all the time. It was hard getting used to that the most,  but now I realize that there are times I’m comfortable with silences, comfortable with my own thoughts and nothing else. I feel like I’ve changed, but at the same time, I’m still the same. I like how I’m able to do any single thing I want without offering an explanation. How I can cut my hair, shave it off, color it any way that I want. I like how it feels, not caring about what others think because I feel like it. I’ve never liked the feeling of being scrutinized or watched.

This new chapter that I’m stepping into on my own, I’ve been enjoying it every step of the way. The pressure of schoolwork smothers me now, but I know there’s better things in store and we will always reap what we sow. It would’ve killed me if, one year ago, I’d known that I’ll be all alone on my own. But now that I’ve been through it, I know I’m stronger, I’m capable of fighting my own battles and finding myself again. I’m fat, I have chubby cheeks, I don’t have long slim legs or the perfect body of people I wish to be. I blurt out the most ridiculous of things at the wrong time, I get a little annoying on certain days. I’m not brave, I hesitate alot and I’m shy like hell even though I pretend not to be. I’m nowhere near pretty or beautiful. But what matters most is that I know where I am now, and who I want to be.

Here’s to happier days :]