There now, steady love.

This is how I feel half the time because feelings exist. It’s also the fact that once you acknowledge their presence, you’ll always be noticing its ups and downs. You pay attention to little minute changes that may mean a million different things, and then you have to keep up with those guessing games, hoping every single time that you’ve got it wrong, the next try would be right. More often than not, it turns out wrong again and you’ll persist, keep going until one day your emotions tire yourself out.

Sometimes people stop making the effort to keep guessing, sometimes you get tired first because they keep getting it wrong. Eventually, it’s all these that makes people push others away and put up mental barriers because the disappointment gets to them. And well, having no feelings at all beats being the least bit upset anytime, any day. Maybe for the sake of being considerate, I’ve put my own feelings at risk, kept quiet about things I should’ve spoken about, and I’m only regretting it now. Yet, despite regretting, I wouldn’t change this because I don’t know how to even be myself otherwise.
Days like these can get pretty depressing because you notice how people are going about their lives without you while you stand here with your mind in a permanent whirlwind while you wonder how it is even possible to be capable of performing the usual routines. I guess maybe I’m just different, maybe my thoughts get in the way, my thoughts get the better of me.

Here’s the thing about feelings; they’re like matchsticks. You play with them for while because you’re fascinated at what that tiny thing can amount to be. It’s surreal, too good to be true. You let yourself indulge in the warmth and brightness in that once dark abyss, you let yourself lose control. But sometimes you have to watch where you’re headed. Here’s the twist in the story. Stop watching this matchstick for awhile and watch what it becomes. You’re either headed for a burnt finger with ashes and charred marks that remain taunting you at your naivety. Or you turn back in time to let go of the match before getting burnt, but the moment you do, it hits the floor and roars raging bright like wildfire destroying every single thing it touches. Feelings, emotions, they’re uncontrollable little affairs you wouldn’t be able to have a hold over once you ignite them, once you claim it for yours.

I do not have the touch of Midas, nothing turns to gold. I’m not even asking for that much because I don’t really need it. There has been so many times that I’ve been ungrateful and grudging at how things turn out to be like in my life, and I think I should be because I’ve watched everything I ever wanted turn to dust right before my eyes. I’ve seen my dreams tattered and torn, my ambitions snatched before I even started fighting for them. Even after fighting and doing all that I can, they choose to run away. How can all that not cause me to be a bitter and resentful person? But instead, I push myself to excel, to keep going and keep that smile up. I’m sorry for the times I’ve given up instead because everything can be such a chore, I feel like I’m walking with balls and chains at my feet. Dear god, I know I’ve practically destroyed everything I can get my hands on. But just this once, let things turn out alright for me.