There’s a thousand things I wish I could say, there’s a million thoughts that run through my head and keep me awake. There’s a hundred other outcomes I can dream of, but amidst the past seventy two hours of living in my own world, there’s only one emotion that really stays and refuses to go away. Honestly I thought I'd be fine even though everything else tells me otherwise, I thought ignorance was bliss, thought that everything would fade away, but it doesn't.
I feel sad knowing that a little way down the road, the things I visualized would be isn’t going to come true. Trust me, none of this is how I ever pictured things would work out. It hurts knowing that the people that truly matter, they don’t stick around for long. It hurts more knowing that what you are to someone else, isn’t as important as they are to you. When it comes right down to it, words remain as they are, nothing more but vibration over your vocal cords to produce noise, to let you hear things that you want to. But give people a chance and they’ll scatter, they’ll run away from you the moment you have your back turned.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like keeping this up because it matters to me. For once, I just want someone to understand something that matters to me. There’s always constant problems, endless frustrations waiting for me to solve them, all I really want is someone to cut me some slack. I want people to see, I want to speak up instead of having to keep my mouth shut and brushing my own problems off as insignificant just so that it’ll make others happier. Because no one really appreciates it, all that ever happens is that people would think you’re a carefree happy person who’s never ever sad. All that happens is that people would stop caring, they’ll overlook your problems because they know eventually these problems would “disappear”. But they don’t, instead they manifest in my heart as little secrets that constantly bother me and haunt me late at night because there’s never a chance I can share them elsewhere. All that happens is that people would start to think of all this as an easy shot for you to get attention, that the problem would go away and you’re making a big fuss out of nothing.
Thinking back, it always seemed like everyone else has been taking the first step instead of me, because I’m being a selfish indigent little bitch as usual. And then I realize that all this time I’ve been pushing aside all my problems, whatever unhappiness I wanted to voice out, I didn’t because I thought a shot at friendship would be more important. It always has been important, which is probably why I end up being a doormat half the time. I’m willing to forgo something that I’ve been fuming over just to make other people’s lives easier, there’s no need for comforting words because it’s just a natural Sengie reflex to be fine immediately after I’m sad. It struck me that maybe I’m not such a great person to be around, it’s the only reasonable explanation there can be. When would anyone ever be afraid of losing me when I’m just disposable and irrelevant? I never made a difference, never could no matter how hard I try. I no longer want to be the one who’s chasing, hot on the heels of people who’re running away. People who can’t stand the thought of me, who can’t wait for me to be tired so I’ll leave them alone. I don’t want to have to pretend that what I was angry about doesn’t matter, because it does and if I’m willing to give you the attention you deserve, why can’t anyone do the same for me? Every issue, every single thing, I’m more than willing to take the blame and take that first step to letting go, and that is why people would always assume I’m always complaining about minor things when they’re not. I thought so lowly of my troubles, that eventually they become ridiculous to other people too. It’s obvious isn’t it, when people should have been asking me if I’m the one who’s okay instead of asking people if they’re still angry, no one really even cares.
I want to keep everything around, I can’t stand the thought of losing anything but it’s a tough job when I have to lose everything just to gain what I really want. I don’t want my feelings to be ignored, I don’t want people to assume that I’m going to be okay within minutes because I never fail to “get over it”. At the end of the day, I’m just that one clown who’s willing to entertain others while I end up all alone, and I still have to pretend I’m fine with being alone. I have to keep up with being strong because people expect me to be. I’ve always been satisfied to be that one happy pill and pillar of support, someone that people can turn to in times of need, someone people can lean on. But I hate it. I hate having to be strong, having to put on a mask of cheerfulness and nonchalance to cheer other people up while I’m the one who’s dying inside. I hate not being able to break down, not being able to be upset because people would think it’s a tantrum. In times of need, whenever it is possible, I’ll be there with no hesitations. But just this once, and things turned out this way. I think it taught me for the best, that’s just who I am isn’t it? Independent, strong, all nice words for someone who is alone.
Am I asking for too much, have I grown so transparent that my pleas for help go ignored, or maybe it’s just because I’ve never been that important in the first place. All these just because I don’t cry, I don’t whine, I don’t complain, and I seem like I have an auto “Happy” switch in my body that you can flick on and off for your own entertainment. I do things without questioning the intentions, I jump at the chance of anything, I make every single person happy and they end up expecting me to keep doing that. I’m tired, I feel like everything I’ve been trying to hold together is crumbling apart and no one can save me from myself. I don’t want to have to start all over again because it’ll prove this entire post redundant because I’ll be undermining myself as usual, but I don’t want to lose any of this. Do you know how that feels? I feel tears well up behind my eyes every single time I think of this but all I do is to look away or pretend I’m busy with something else.
Let me be, cut me some slack just this once because no one knows what it’s like to be in my shoes. It hurts like fuck to know that all you’ve ever stood up for is going to waste. Friends, I don’t even know what that word means anymore because apparently every single person has a different definition for it. Aren’t friends supposed to be people you have catfights with, but end up laughing over them a few minutes later? Aren’t friends supposed to feel silly because they always forget why they’re fighting in the first place? Aren’t friends supposed to have each other backs, to give whatever they can whenever they can?
My bestfriend A, from back in secondary school, and I stopped talking to each other because of misunderstandings. But three years of not talking or communicating, when I was losing sight of who I am and I didn’t know who to turn to, all I did was send a little text and she understood. Isn’t that what friends are about? They’re supposed to be there for you, to wipe away your tears, not be the reason behind them. Friends are supposed to offer you a helping hand when someone pushed you, they’re not supposed to keep you down. Friends are supposed to be willing to take on someone twice their size, and even if they get beaten up it’ll be a joke to laugh about. Haven’t I been a friend, or even someone remotely close enough for that? Friends are supposed to be the one who talk to you instead of talking behind your back. They’re supposed to stand up for you when other people who barely know you make judgements about you, not join in the fun. I know for sure that there isn’t a single time that I’ve been pissed enough at a close friend to use vulgarities or even discriminate someone who’s important to me online. Because here’s the secret, words can fucking hurt and I actually think twice or even thrice before I ever do things like that to a friend. Much less a close one, shame on me because I’m a fool. Friends don’t discuss their dissatisfaction infront of strangers because at the end of the day, the joke is me. Because at the end of the day, I’m the one who’s happily making small chat and being a friend, while just a few moments ago I was being shat on. That’s just who I am isn’t it, a joke who still confides in a friend while there’s a knife stuck right on my back. A joke, nothing more. Made me realize how much of a difference I placed you in my heart, to how much I was important to you. Apparently I wasn’t, point noted.
It came to me that at the end of every thing I’ve done to prove myself, apparently I wasn’t worthy. My mother has always chided me since secondary school because I’m willing to go all out for my friends, even if in the end it was obviously a wrong decision. I’m willing to skip family dinners, spend my birthdays elsewhere, came back home late at night just for my friends. I tell my friends more things than I share with my family. This is how important they are to me, because to me, they are my family. The thing is, when we’re born there’s some things you don’t have a choice over; your parents and your siblings. The people in your life, your friends, are the ones you choose to keep in it, the ones you put constant effort in to make sure that they stay in your life. I realized that I’ve given my friends so much more as compared to my family because my family, no doubt, will always be there since I’m born into it. So why is it that despite all that being said, despite my actions that showed how much I care, I’m still being trod on all over? Is my trust so unworthy of keeping or are there better friends people would like to fill the vacancy with. Everything I’ve done, everything that I’ve given, wasn’t that enough? All hockey ever did for me was give me a whole list of injuries I didn’t need, definitely not after I’ve blood deficiency too. Yes I have a fancy CCA involvement sheet, but it doesn’t prove anything, not after my previous plans fell apart. I prioritize my studies because of so many reasons you all know about, I could’ve just walked away and focus. Did it ever struck you why I stayed? Has it ever struck anybody why I’m willing to spend half the time a week to be here, or even today, wait outside in the rain for one hour all alone? I still turned up today even though I feel terrible with only three hours of sleep, and still I wait there alone because no one else bothered. I still turned up even though I felt like shit after all I’ve been through, and right now I feel like it’s more of a duty/responsibility, no longer something I even enjoy. It was all because I cared, because I know how important it is to everyone of you. That if I chose to abandon everything, it would disappoint you, and quite possibly I might lose whatever friendship we had. Has it ever occurred to you why I get defensive when I see people that were previously outcast/given up upon being chased after, being persuaded to come back to the team? Because it made me realize how my efforts go unappreciated. But I was okay with all that, I was fine putting all those frustrations away because you all mattered, because who I thought was important, who I thought my friends were, are all there. I just never expected all this to turn around so quickly that I get slapped in the face, whiplash. I just didn’t expect that after three years of a friendship that’s of such significance to me, people would still jump straight to conclusions and judge me, pass comments about me, even after all this time. It’s enough that strangers think badly of me because of my face, it’s worse when the people I thought I knew agreed, so much for ironic maybe I am too much of a bitch that no one would believe otherwise. With every single time that I stayed around, I have a constant fear that my knee problems would get worse, that my ankle might dislocate again, and now a brand new back injury. I struggled with the pain after one hour of training but still I pushed myself because I don’t want to give people a reason to blame me if I were to concede a goal. Dislocated ankle, huge bruises, I don’t care because it showed that I did what I could. Even with the pain, the constant aching, the times I couldn’t even get out of bed when my knee hurt so bad, or the cracking sound in my wrist, I pushed. I didn’t give up, because it mattered. I don’t understand really. Behind the tears that I’ve shed, behind every action I took, and every single effort I put in just to keep hanging… Why are people so fast to overlook anything, to cancel and strike out everything they’ve seen. Don’t I deserve a chance? It’s obvious now from all that has happened, what everything is like. It’s 5am, a total of 111 hours. I don’t know where to go from here anymore.
0 comments:
Post a Comment