Blind faith.

I guess the difference between me and everyone else is that I've always chose keep mum about everything. I have never seen the need for me to say everything that’s on my mind because words that are said/typed/whatever, cannot be taken back. You can’t un-hear what you’ve said, you can’t unread what you saw, there’s no undo button in life. No matter what has happened, no matter what got me furious, I’ve never let my emotions get ahead or said anything that I would regret because I think them over carefully.  I’d rather choose my words carefully instead of hurting people with them, so it’s either that or I’ll keep my opinions to myself because I know it’s better that way. So whilst others gets comforting words and encouragements, people might think I'm the cold-hearted bitch who's enjoying every single moment of it. That's what happened before and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it's going to happen again. But fuck that, and fuck what people think.

Everyone assumes that they know me because they see what's there, what's present on the surface. So I guess it's natural that they'd keep that impression up. But what if really, you don’t even know me that thoroughly in the first place? Despite being blur or happy-go-lucky half the time, there’s a side of me who remains the complete opposite but I guess no one really figured that out huh. And despite how hot-tempered or unreasonable people might think of me to be, I’m really not like that either. Sure, I have plenty of angry moments, but is there ever a time that anyone tried to make me smile and I still don’t? No, because as weak as it may sound, I try to fight the smile or laughter but it’ll still surface within seconds. Is that anger? No.

I fight for things I believe in, even though I may have been blind-sided. Once you start to matter, I give my all. I’ll give you anything you can possibly want that I have, no qualms, no questions asked. You may call it blind faith or stupidity but I call that trust. But why is it that every single time that I actually do, I regret it? I stand up for things I hardly know about, I put in effort for things that could’ve easily failed. I know all that, but I still did it anyway because I didn’t want to disappoint. Because it did mattered. And even if I’m the one who may have to pick up the pieces or suffer the aftermath alone, I’m okay with that because well, it’s only me to blame isn’t it? I never spoke up about anything because I believe in reciprocating, there’s give and take and there’s no need to claim credit, or to tell everyone what I’ve done. How honourable or sacrificing I can be, even if my decisions are slowly killing me inside.  What sucks the most about this is, despite all that, I realized that people still lose whatever they believe in me as easily. Then what difference does it make, why did I even bother in the first place?

I hate it when people talk about things, discuss how to get an issue over and done with. Because to me, it’s like devising a strategy to take down a prey. Maybe that’s just me, but I guess I’ve been alone in this shit for far too long to even understand how people feel or go about issues like this. I don’t like it, to be the topic of the day or the reason behind subtle messages because it’s plain as day. It hurts to say this, it hurts to type it out. I’ve been suppressing my emotions for days just so that I can lie to myself that things would be better, that I’m the one who’s paranoid and oversensitive. That I’m unreasonable, petty, hot-tempered and childish. See the shit I do to myself, that’s fine with me as long as everyone else is happy. I thought you all of all people, would understand why I  am like this, but I’m wrong. After a relationship that crippled me, I still hurt myself with my own words because I’m fine being that way, I’ve grown far too immune to even feel the sting. And it turns out that I was right, wasn’t I? I felt it right there, like a stab in the back, cold unfeeling and uncaring, but it’s worse. Guess what you didn’t even miss, you got what you want, my pride, self-worth, everything that I’ve put down and laid out right before you. I’m willing to put all that aside, just to make things work because I know that sometimes I’m not what people want me to be. I’ve gotten used to the possibility that no matter how I try, no matter what I do, no matter what I give or say, it can never be enough for anybody.  You got my heart, and you can take it because besides pumping blood that keeps me alive, it’s done nothing but shit to me. It allowed my thoughts to take control before my brain does, it left me here feeling like this right now. I don’t even know why I bothered typing this fucked up shit out because it’s pointless isn’t it? I guess everyone would be happy without this fucked up mess around. I told myself that I’ll be okay keeping quiet, I’ll be okay and I’ll shrug everything off and pretend to be happy again, I never thought it’ll be this fucking hard. So this is me being vulnerable and weak, you got what you wanted. To admit that all that mattered, but you don’t feel the same way that I do. You don’t know how bad it has left me, distracted unmotivated and worthless for days. Just one single time, that’s all it takes to bring me down. Now you know.